The Post Online - The Family Guy by Brett Buckner

April 5, 2010

Good grades take all the fun out of parenting

The Diva is taking all the fun out of parenting. While there are times when she makes me wish I were Catholic if only to have access to an exorcist whenever she turns demonic, for the most part she's a good kid — and that's really annoying.

Half the reason I wanted children was to hand out punishments like Vanna White hands out vowels, but The Diva is robbing me of this biological right.

There's a list of gnarly chores as long as my high school mullet that I've been working on forever. The baseboards aren't gonna clean themselves and the muck in the gutters is ripe for the scraping.

Why would I pay someone to re-grout the tub when I've got a perfectly good teenager who should be punished into doing if for free? Not to mention a yard littered with dog poo that's been in the making since October.

And those are just ideas off the top of my head. I could come up with chores that weren't only cruel and unusual but personally beneficial as well if only given the chance.

The problem is her report card.

For most teenagers, the report card is the harbinger of social death. It is the thing they fear the most and that which their parents, who've been secretly praying for an excuse to punish, find glee in receiving.

I speak from experience.

Despite being a terribly intelligent – not to mention ruggedly handsome and witty – young man, I wasn't what one might consider a good student. Rather, the terms “marginal” and “doing just enough to avoid transfer to either reform or public school” comes to mind.

The words “report cards” still make my stomach clench like I'd eaten Walmart sushi.

By using her all-knowing Parental Force, my mother could sense it was Report Card Day before I could come up with a decent lie for why I'd “lost” mine.

“Mrs. Pitts wasn't finished with mine because she likes going in reverse alphabetical order,” I'd say. Or, aiming for heroic high drama, I'd come up with something like, “I was mugged getting off the bus. I tried to fight him off, but he had a knife and stole my Trapper Keeper, which had my report card.”

Or, I'd blame it on a friend. “Paul Umbarger stole my report card and ate it because he wants me to get in trouble.”

No matter what I said, Mom stood with her palm extended until I dropped the offending paper in her hand.

The Diva has no such concerns.

Ever since I've known the child she's made straight A's. It takes all the excitement out of Report Card Day when I already know it's good. Plus, it's boring praising her all the time.

“Good job, sweetie,” “That's just terrific,” or “Wow, I didn't know you could actually make a 100 in a subject.”

I was looking forward to conjuring up words of encouragement, attending fretful parent/teacher conferences and planning my schedule around tutoring sessions, but all A's is, I don't know, anti-climactic.

The only drama was in geometry, where The Diva had struggled a bit. But she pulled it up to a 90, which is close, but an A nonetheless.

Heck, I was secretly hoping for a B just so I could practice my disappointed voice …, “Now honey, it looks like you've got a little work to do here.”

Guess it'll give me something to do while I'm cleaning the gutters 'cause it looks like the only one getting punished for The Diva's grades is me.

Brett Buckner is an award-winning former columnist for the Anniston Star. He lives in Columbus, Ga. with his wife, daughter and stepdaughter. His humor column appears regularly in The Post. Contract Brett at brett.buckner@yahoo.com.