June 7, 2010
|
The Diva: Angry and heartbroken
The Family Guy Under the heading of “Be careful what you wish for” comes the following update to my previous column. To those of you who don't religiously follow my musings (shame on you), The Diva had a boyfriend and I was none too happy about having some loathsome, lanky, long-haired dude hanging around the house trying to put the moves on my daughter. I remember the pains of puberty but that's nothing compared to being the unarmed guardian of a young girl's virtue. Now I know why so many dads belong to the NRA. Anyway, I was openly rooting for the ruination of their relationship. Wish granted. The catalyst really isn't any of your (or my) business but suffice it to say that The Diva is both angry and heartbroken. And I'm just plain mad. We've all been there. Even the cool kid from high school knows that punched-in-the-gut feeling of being dumped, of hearing only love songs on the radio and endlessly writing letters that'll never be sent. And we all survived, moved on and did what any self-respecting person would – got revenge by devouring the heart of someone else. The Diva's not quite there yet. She's still in mourning over a dude that was, and I say this without bias, a total “doofus”. With his saggy jeans, monosyllabic conversational skills and about as much insight as a rerun of “The Jeffersons”, he was no Justin Bieber. If dumb was people, this dude would be China. But The Diva liked him, so all My Lovely Wife and I could do was grin and bear it while secretly wishing she'd see the light and dump his loser butt. And she has, but love always comes with collateral damage. She woke up at 5 a.m. after a night of tossing and turning and endless internal dialogue, wanting to have her cell phone back, having – in her mind – composed the perfect you'll-be-sorry message to send her now ex-boyfriend. And it's all so futile. It won't make the pain of regret go away. It won't make the questions and second guessing stop, but there is something cathartic about cussing out a “doofus” and then giving him no opportunity to reply. And no one is better at getting in the last word than The Diva. Lord knows, I've had enough verbal sparring matches with her to know. Still, I wished I could help by offering her some words of wisdom. I could tell her that one day she really will look back at all this drama and laugh — the kind of embarrassing laughter that'll bring tears to her eyes. I could tell her this pain will keep her from being reckless with someone else's heart while avoiding those who are reckless with hers. I could tell her that it's really not possible to “give up on love” because love is like that '80s song you can't get out of your head. It's a splinter in your heart. (Wow! “A splinter in your heart” actually sounds like an '80s song.) But telling her that won't do any good. It didn't do any good when my mom told me the exact same thing so many years ago. It's just something she'll have to learn in the midst of moving on, which is just another way of saying dating someone who is NOT a total loser. And while she's doing that, I shall begin plotting my revenge against Mr. Baggy Pants. I'm not sure what I'll do, but it'll definitely involve a belt and a haircut. Brett Buckner is an award-winning former columnist for the Anniston Star. He lives in Columbus, Ga. with his wife, daughter and stepdaughter. His humor column appears regularly in The Post. Contract Brett at brett.buckner@yahoo.com. |