Aug. 30, 2010
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We're off to see the wizard — again
The Family Guy Now that I know memorization is the goal, the white-knuckle morning madness has abated — a bit. Jellybean has become obsessed with the soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz. Growing up, I was creeped out by the flying monkeys and debated the Tin Man's sexual orientation, but the music was an afterthought: “We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz…” and all that nonsense. In college, instead of studying for my media law final I sat around drinking beers and trying to synch-up the movie with Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon (wait until the MGM lion roars three times, then hit PLAY. It's totally awesome). But Jellybean's fascination is all about the music. Those songs have cast a spell over her so deep the Wicked Witch of the West would turn green with envy — if she weren't green already. It's the same thing every morning, on the way to daycare, and in the afternoons, on the way home from daycare. “I wanna hear Wizard-a-Boz,” she'll say with a grin. The child can speak Spanish, but “Oz” trips her up every time. “Please.” How do you say no to that? Well, I've tried about a million different ways. I'd toss the CD in the trash or run over it with the car, if I only had the nerve. Instead, I've been forced to lie: “The Wizard's asleep,” I'll say. Or “Dorothy got sucked up in that tornado and was never heard from again”, or “Toto bit the Cowardly Lion and gave him rabies so they both had to be put down.” But Jellybean dissects my ruse with the intellectual precision of a prosecuting attorney cross-examining a murder. “No they not,” she says without hesitation. Defeated, I put the CD in and try to find somewhere else for my mind to go. But that music permeates my every waking thought, to the point where I'll later find myself wandering through the house whistling “Somewhere over the Rainbow.” We listen to the same songs in the same order every single morning. It goes like this (these are the titles according to Jellybean, figure 'em out for yourself) “The Laughing Song,” “Munchkin Land,” “Scarecrow,” “Tin Man,” and “Off to See Wizard.” Then we start all over again. And Jellybean's relentless when it comes to the music she wants to hear. I'd been looking forward to the new Iron Maiden CD for months. I got it on the way to daycare and had it playing while I strapped Jellybean into the car seat, praying that their heavy metal virtuosity would make her forget all about the Wizard. I even promised her a yogurt Popsicle if she'd just let me listen to it on the way home. “I don't like Iron Maiden,” she said. “I wanna hear 'Laughing Song.'” Three minutes in, she hurled the ultimate insult at a man denied his daily dose of metal. “Turn it up loud, Daddy. I want it louder!” So I shift the balance to the back seat and try to set my mind adrift. These songs are like a splinter in my brain. No matter how hard I try, they won't come out and just get imbedded deeper. But just when I think I've had all I can take, I look in the rearview mirror to see Jellybean grinning ear-to-ear while lip-syncing ever word and hand gesture. I guess even Iron Maiden must bow down before the Wizard of Oz. Brett Buckner is an award-winning former columnist for the Anniston Star. He lives in Columbus, Ga. with his wife, daughter and stepdaughter. His humor column appears regularly in The Post. Contract Brett at brett.buckner@yahoo.com. |