Nov. 23, 2009
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Jellybean will eat just about anything
The Family Guy Oh, she's no Jeffrey Dahmer, but Jellybean's appetites are just as disturbing. Though not the cannibal-next-door “monster” in terms of body count or Lifetime movie adaptations, I do fear that Jellybean is growing into a monster of the playground persuasion. It seems that, through no fault of our own, My Lovely Wife and I are raising the most unfortunate of childhood oddities, which stands ahead of only The Smelly Kid and the Booger-Picker in the pubescent pecking order. Yep, we've given birth to The Kid Who'll Eat Anything for a Quarter. Well, that's probably selling Jellybean a tad short. Assuming that the adolescent gross-out market has experienced the same explosive rate of inflation as everything else from my own childhood (for example I saw a Sock Monkey at Target the other day for 20 bucks. That was the toy parents MADE for their kids), Jellybean may very well grow up to be The Kid Who'll Eat Anything for $15.50. Now that ain't half bad. It doesn't require a college diploma and could lead to a brilliant future working the carnival circuit. First she's scarfing down handfuls of red wigglers alongside the Bearded Lady and the Wolf Boy in a sideshow, then it's on to managing the corndog fryer and then, after a freak accident when the regular dude suffers a concussion while moonlighting at the local skating ring, she'll take over as DJ on the Himalaya, shouting, “So you wanna go fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-FASTER!” while “Back in Black” blares out over the speaker system and some little kid pukes in his dad's lap. A parent can dream. All kidding aside, I have to admit some concerns about my toddler's diet. The child eats like a goat, and that's no metaphor (there was a race and the winner was too close to call, but I hear the goat was sick for a week), but it's what she eats that's upsetting. Sure there's the normal stuff – macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese, cottage cheese, Cheese-itz, string cheese, Kraft cheese singles, shredded cheese, cheese dip, and basically anything that at some point involved cheese or cheese bi-products. Oh, and grits. But Jellybean seems to prefer things that weren't meant for human consumption and we've read the warning labels to prove it. She tries to chow down on stuff that makes the dogs roll their eyes and gag. From Crayons to dish soap, toothpaste to twigs and leaves, if it's in her hands, sooner or later it'll be in her mouth. Oh, she also drinks her bath water – usually with a Mr. Bubbles chaser - and lord only knows what kind of bacteria is swimming around in there. And yet Jellybean's shown no ill effects. True, there've been a few stomach bugs, but given her appetite and quick hands those could've been actual bugs that just hadn't gotten digested and were still scuttling around down there in the bottomless pit. Still, we (and by “we” I obviously mean My Lovely Wife for not even Jellybean would eat my cooking) work very hard preparing her good, nutritious meals only to have her twist away all disgusted as if we'd served up sautéed squirrel scrotum … probably 'cause that's what she had for lunch and doesn't want seconds. Course, come to think of it, these gnarly eating habits will lessen the transition to college dining, where water-based mac 'n' cheese and dry Capt'n Crunch are considered a delicacy. And if that doesn't work out there's always the carnival. Corn dogs, anyone? Brett Buckner is an award-winning former columnist for the Anniston Star. He lives in Columbus, Ga. with his wife, daughter and stepdaughter. His humor column appears regularly in The Post. Contract Brett at brett.buckner@yahoo.com. |