Road Apples
Jan. 12, 2009


Old Ad Infinitum

By Tim Sanders

For Christmas my son David gave me a little book by Kate Parker entitled "Outrageous Ads." It contains nearly 100 pages of old advertisements, dating from the late 1800s to the mid-1950s. There is one ad, however, which is dated 1611, and depicts an apparatus called Bartholin’s Clyster. The drawing shows several tubes, nozzles, funnels and canisters, all designed to provide physicians an enema device to blow smoke up their patients’... er, Bartholins. My guess would be that in those primitive times they simply wanted to see where the smoke would come out. Here are some more ads from that book, plus a few others I ran across.


1. PROFESSOR MACK’S CHIN REDUCER AND BEAUTIFIER - This ad from the 1890s boldly states that "Curves of Youth will be yours if you will Pull the Cords." According to Professor Eugene Mack, the apparatus in question also "prevents double chins and reduces enlarged glands." There is an excellent drawing of a young lady wearing an attractive leather harness on her head with a pulley on each side. A cord runs through the left pulley, down to a chin strap, and then another cord runs up the other side through the right pulley. The young lady is tugging away at the cords on each side of her head, beaming with pride because she knows that she is operating a technologically complex mechanism designed for "dispelling flabbiness of the neck and throat, restoring a rounded contour to thin, scrawny necks and faces, bringing a natural, healthy color to the cheeks, effacing lines and wrinkles." This fine piece of beauty equipment only cost $10, and an instruction booklet came with it.

2. MADAME ROWLEY’S TOILET MASK - No, this was not a gas mask. Also known as the "face glove," this thing was meant to eliminate the need for costly and harmful cosmetics. The ad states that the mask is "soft and flexible," and continues with a list of thirteen more advantages to the product, including the assurance that "its use cannot be detected by the closest scrutiny." There is a drawing of a lady of indeterminate age wearing the thing, which is held in place by several buckled head straps. The lady looks more like a goalie for the Detroit Red Wings than a Victorian society matron, so apparently "the closest scrutiny" indicated a view from across an outdoor hockey rink in foggy weather. The Toilet Mask was also sold in the 1890s, which makes one wonder just how much lead was in the paint back then.

3. PAGE WOODCOCK’S WIND PILLS - Aside from noting that this product was also sold in the 1890s, no commentary is necessary.

4. THE HARNESS EYE BATTERY, DR. SCOTT’S ELECTRIC HAIRBRUSH, and F. NEWBERRY’S BRAIN SALT - I am not sure how the eye battery was installed. I do know that Dr. Scott also sold "Electric Flesh Brushes and Electric Corsets for Ladies and Gents." And the Brain Salt stuff was effervescent, and cured "Brain Troubles, Headaches, Sea Sickness, Nervous Debility, Sleeplessness, Excessive Study, Mania, Over Brainwork, etc. etc." So if you were one of those excessively studious Victorian students who was cross-eyed, balding, and mentally unhinged, these three products would have fixed you up. And if not, you probably wouldn’t have noticed.

5. VIGOR’S HORSE ACTION SADDLES - These provided much-needed "horse exercise at home," for which so many sophisticated ladies in the late 1800s yearned. There is a rendering of a proper Victorian lady perched atop a saddle set on a device bearing the words "TROT, CANTER, & GALLOP." I believe there’s also a gear shift there, somewhere. From the look on the lady’s face, she’s probably only cruising in canter, but ready to shift into full gallop at any moment. The ad says the product has already been ordered by "Her Royal Highness, the Princess of Wales."

6. THE DOCTORS’ SPECIAL RUM - This ad, by M.D. Daly & Sons, affirms that their rum is "Prescribed by the Medical Profession." There is an excellent depiction of a gentleman with long, white whiskers holding a rum bottle in one hand and a shot glass in the other. There are also a couple of beakers and a funnel on the table in front of him, to assure consumers that he’s really a doctor, not just some old bewhiskered drunk who wandered in off the street.

7. DR. WILLIAMS’ PINK PILLS FOR PALE PEOPLE - These pills, which were pink, apparently helped pale people become less so. Less pale, that is.
8. DRI-POO - This one, from the 1920s, promoted "The New Way to Fluff and Clean the Hair." The name may explain why the product is no longer on the shelves.


Here are some products not mentioned in Ms. Parker’s book:


9. HEIDELBERG ALTERNATING CURRENT ELECTRIC BELT - These were sold by Sears & Roebuck and other retailers about 100 years ago. The ad I read advertised the product "for nervous diseases of all kinds." Some of the nervous diseases mentioned included lost strength and power, impotency, rheumatism, sciatica, lame back, railroad back, insomnia, melancholia, Bright’s disease, disorders of the liver, female weakness, weak heart action, dyspepsia, and "almost every known disease and weakness."

10. THORAZINE - Smith Kline and French Laboratories advertised this powerful anti-psychotic drug "for prompt control of SENILE AGITATION." The ad carries a photo of an agitated elderly gentleman waving his cane at a fly. It is unclear whether he’s already been given his Thorazine.

11. BENTYL - This product was offered by the good people at Merrell, who guaranteed "No Belladonna Backfire." We’re not sure about the Belladonna part, but we are familiar with the backfire problem.


So when you find your ears bleeding from those excruciatingly annoying Head On commercials, and when you grow dizzy watching those octogenarians spinning around on their Hoveround Power Chairs, take heart. Ads treating consumers like morons are nothing new. And when you’re convinced that if you hear Billy Mays screaming about his stupid Awesome Auger, Mighty Putty, or Mighty Mend-It just one more time, your head will explode, simply take a pill. Or you could find yourself a large funnel and take the prescribed dose of whatever special rum your doctor recommends. Hey, make it a double.