By Tim Sanders

It is primary season; a time when journalists follow candidates all around the country and make grand pronouncements about who will win which debate, who will win which primary, who needs a win to stay in the race, and who actually uses an effective decay-preventive dentifrice in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.

And afterward those same journalists offer even grander explanations as to why they were wrong. You know: "Our analysis shows that voters stayed home in droves due to global warming."

Well, we (by which I mean I) commit journalism too, and we like a small dose of politics every once in a while. We have even threatened to poll people if they don’t keep their cats off our deck. A recent survey by serious political researchers at the Bazooka Gum Corp. shows that among likely voters, 78 percent of women under 60 and 89 percent of men under restraining orders are already sick and tired of hearing about the upcoming election. They get it: this election will be about "experience, experience, experience" vs. "change, change, change." As we look down through the corridors of history, we can plainly see that "experience" is what equips a seasoned politician to recognize a mistake when he makes it again, and "change" is what you need a sack full of to buy votes in large metropolitan areas.

So we will follow our instincts here and answer some questions pertaining to grammar, which as we all know has absolutely nothing to do with politics.

Q: You mentioned "seasoned politicians." How do you season one?
A: We recommend stewing him in a pot of olive oil overnight, periodically adding garlic, cloves, and diced red peppers.

Q: Mrs. Bohack next door told Momma that when she drives, she always keeps one eye on the dashboard on account of her GPS. I asked Momma how long had Mrs. Bohack suffered from GPS, and wasn’t she afraid her glass eye would roll off onto the floorboard, and Momma told me keeping one eye on the dashboard was only a figure of speech. What did she mean by that, and is Momma losing her mind?

A: A figure of speech is something which doesn’t exactly mean what it sounds like it means. Like losing your mind, for example, which doesn’t mean that you’ve actually misplaced your mind, but only that it doesn’t work like it used to. By the way, my grandmother used to keep her dentures in a jar in the glove compartment, and that was not a figure of speech.

Q: Our Sunday School teacher he told us to go home and read the part in the Old Testament where Jonah books passage on a ship full of unbelievers and fleas. I read that chapter three times, and couldn’t find nothing about the fleas. Why?
A: Some translations don’t mention the fleas. I suppose they feel that the presence of fleas onboard an ancient sailing vessel went without saying.

Q: If it went without saying, then why did Mr. Mooney say it?

A: He’s probably a stickler for details.

Q: So what is a stickler?

A: A "stickler" is somebody who stickles. And that should go without saying, too.

Q: DeWayne he said he quit smoking cold turkey. I told him smoked ham was better anyhow, because it didn’t have that trapped propane stuff in it that makes you bloat up and get sleepy. He told me I was illiterate. He knows good and well my parents was married a month-and-a-half before I was born, so why would he call me that?

A: People who quit smoking cold turkey tend to get cranky.

Q: How do you spell "ocelot?"

A: We personally spell it with an "r," but opinions vary.

Q: Why is spelling important, anyhow?

A: There was a recent news story about a man named Jason Michael Fife who was sentenced in Norristown, Pennsylvania for stalking, making terrorist threats, and harassing another gentleman. The headline read "Man Gets Probation for Nailing Cow’s Head to Wife’s Lover."

Q: I bet that hurt, huh?

A: Probably not. There was a cow’s head involved, but it wasn’t "nailed" to Jason’s wife’s lover, only "mailed." A misspelling like that could have cost poor Jason some serious jail time. [NOTE: We do not endorse either nailing or mailing cow’s heads, nor any other cow parts, for that matter.]
 

Q: What do you mean by "serious" jail time?

A: You know, as opposed to "frivolous" jail time.
 

Q: My friend found him a wonderful woman on the Internet. She cooks and cleans and takes care of him, and says this is the first time she’s been really happy since she left the Philippines. He said he met her on a website called Eat Hominy Dot Com. I can’t locate it on my computer. Should I try a different spelling, or what?

A: We firmly believe that you are not ready to date, yet.

Q: I told Larry he was too fat, and he told me "You know what they say about people who live in glass houses." What do they say about people who live in glass houses?

A: They say, "Morbidly obese people who live in glass houses shouldn’t vacuum in the nude."

Q: I came home from work a little late last night, and my wife told me she was going to retaliate. What did she mean by "re-taliate?"

A: At some point (and believe me, it may have been years ago) you must have unknowingly "taliated," and she has never forgotten it. Drop a few subtle hints about taliation, and maybe she’ll tell you what or who it was you taliated, so you can apologize for it. Remember, women do not accept vague, generalized apologies, as in: "Whatever it was, and whenever I did it, I apologize, dear." What they expect is: "When I taliated that cat back in June of ‘02 with the lawn mover, I was wrong, dead wrong! God help me! I apologize, dear, and here’s a nice bouquet and a WalMart gift card."

I hope you will continue to work on your grammar. If nothing else, it will keep your mind off politics.