By Tim Sanders

With most of the year 2007 still ahead of us, it’s time for Americans to recapture that dream, that vision we’ve lost. That’s right, I’m talking about the ability to see our own feet. In case you’ve forgotten, your feet are those things at the end of your legs which you used to admire on a regular basis before nasty food gremlins crept into your den and pumped 50 pounds of corn chips and 12 gallons of onion dip directly into your arteries while you dozed in the recliner. Now, when you stand and gaze at the floor, all you see are the buttons on your shirt, assuming that you still have buttons on your shirt. Oh sure, you can solve the disappearing feet problem by purchasing a pair of bright red, size 22 clown shoes, but that is not the answer.

I have embarked on a rigorous weight loss program this year. The first thing each morning I hop out of bed and get busy. It’s up, down, up, down, up, down, back and forth, back and forth–on and on until I’ve worked up a good, healthy sweat. Then I give up trying to fasten my pants and fall back onto the bed, exhausted.

But strenuous exercise is only part of my weight loss regimen. There are also strict dietary rules I’m following. Many were suggested by my wife, and involve restaurants. If you’ll put down that fork and pay attention, I’ll pass these practical hints along to you:
 

1. Dining out is problematic for dieters. Unless you count vegetarian restaurants, where frail, nervous people get all excited about watercress, restaurant food is notoriously unhealthy. (You may want to keep this in mind if you ever feel the need to sue somebody and your favorite tobacco company has declared bankruptcy.)
 

2. Remember that the only things more dangerous than trans fatty acids are carbohydrates. In a Minneapolis restaurant last year a man armed with a fully loaded dinner roll and an unregistered stick of margarine seriously wounded two waiters and a chef before taking his own life with a lethal bread stick.
 

3. If you must dine out, avoid buffet-style restaurants. It has been my experience that if you can get refills as often as you like for one low price, then of course you will. Often. Simple economics tells you that if 6 lbs. of fried okra, chicken and dumplings, and catfish logs for $13.50 is a good deal, then obviously 50 lbs. is a better deal. You are no fool.
 

4. My wife says that since salad dressing always has more calories than the salad itself, a diner should never allow the kitchen staff to put dressing on his salad. He should always put the dressing on himself. If you’ve ever seen a diner sitting at an adjoining table with ranch dressing on himself, then you can bet it was his wife’s idea.

5. Wriggle while you eat. Wriggling a lot, my wife says, uses up calories. If you keep an eye on the guy at the next table with salad dressing in his hair, odds are he’s wriggling.
 

6. Chew your food slowly. The idea here is to fool yourself into thinking you are eating more than you actually are. This way, after chewing on that solitary piece of well-done steak for twenty minutes, your head will tell your stomach, "Gosh, we’re stuffed, aren’t we, Earl?" And of course, since you’re dumb enough to sit there with salad dressing running into your eyes, wriggling and twitching like an individual with live minnows in his pants, your stomach, whose actual name is "DeWayne," not "Earl," will answer, "BURP!"

"But Tim, what if I don’t have your kind of dietary stamina?" you ask. "Well then," I answer, "you may want to consider making your overeating pay for itself by signing up with the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE)."

The IFOCE was organized in 1997 by two brothers, George and Richard Shea, who had way too much food and way too much time on their hands. Actually, the food was probably on their hands, on their shirts, and in their pants pockets, too. (An upstart eating league, the Association of Independent Competitive Eaters, or AICE, was established in 2004 by Dave "Coondog" O’Karma and Arnie "Chowhound" Chapman. We mention it only because we like the founders’ names.)

At any rate, the IFOCE sanctions professional eating contests each year, some of which have actually been seen on ESPN. One of the more notable is the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, held annually at New York’s Coney Island. Others include a three-hour elimination (yeah, I know) tournament called the Alka-Seltzer US Open of Competitive Eating, and a series of four 30-minute shows known as the Tour de Gorge.

Many of these well trained, highly skilled athletes, who call themselves "gurgitators," have known both the thrill of victory and the agony of ... well, let’s just say agony of the bowel. On May 10, 2006, James "Jerri" Ahn broke the longstanding Gorgonzola cheese eating record in West Coxsackie (seriously), NY when he ate 16.4 lbs. of melted Gorgonzola in 10 minutes. He spent the following week in treatment for severe constipation.

Perhaps the most famous professional eaters, at least according to the IFOCE website, are Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi and Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas.
Among Kobayashi’s tournament records you’ll find:

1. 57 cow brains, weighing 17.7 lbs.

2. 53 3/4 Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs

3. 97 Krystal hamburgers
 

And Sonya is no slouch, either. Here are some of her tournament stats:
 

1. 8.31 lbs. of Armour Vienna Sausage

2. 65 hard boiled eggs (in just 6 minutes, 40 seconds)

3. 4 lbs. 14 1/4 oz. of Wegmans Fruitcake

4. 44 Maine lobsters

5. 8.62 lbs. of sweet potato casserole

6. 46 British mince pies

So there you go–something to shoot for. If just reading about scarfing down those dozens of pounds of cow brains, Vienna sausages, hard boiled eggs, and fruitcake doesn’t help curb your appetite, you may have found the professional sports career you’ve always dreamed of.

Or if you’re not gastronomically talented, you might want to work with the IFOCE grounds crew. I hear they have plenty of openings. They’ll furnish the mop.