Road Apples
Jan. 18, 2010


More inspiration from the Mannerly Man Team

By Tim Sanders

Before we answer your questions concerning deportment and etiquette, our Mannerly Man campus is proud to announce that Gaylesville, Alabama is now the home of A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM! We here at the campus chose to keep our championship under wraps until all the hubbub over the Crimson Tide’s National Championship died down.

Durward Hacklespeck, coach of our Intercollegiate Free Range Croquet team, tells us that the Mannerly Man Institute’s 2009 undefeated season was largely due to our acquisition of Dub “Diesel” Horowitz, one of the best croquet goalies in the game. Coach Hacklespeck said that the fact that not one institution of higher learning in the lower 42 states has a croquet team, or even knows what Free Range Croquet is, may have contributed to the team’s undefeated record. In yesterday’s press release, Coach Hacklespeck noted: “We thought we had a chance at scheduling the boys from Vanderbilt, but when they found out our team had a goalie and that the rules for Free Range Croquet allowed for the “wicket stomp” and the “three way head butt,” they backed down. So when we didn’t get any takers by the end of the season, we declared ourselves National Champions by default. Free Range Croquet is a team sport, and it took our entire team not playing even a single inning of croquet to win the title. For a young school with an altogether new team, we think that’s no mean feet.”

We suspect that Coach Hacklespeck meant to say “no mean feat,” although you can never tell with the coach.

But now to the business of manners, which we know like nobody’s business:


Q: Deena’s cousin Charlene she is one of them odd shaped women which has a head no bigger than a squirrel’s and tiny arms and then down there where there’s supposed to be a waist she spreads way out which Deena says is because of a teeter totter accident when she was little which ruined her thigh roid glands. So anyhow last week she come over and since her hindquarters was so large that she couldn’t see behind her she sat down on the TV remote which I had left on the couch and it did something to it to where all we get now is the Weather Channel.

Now I know good and well Charlene knowed she sat on that remote because after she sat down and wiggled around some she reached up under there and snatched it out and said she wondered how that got there. So yesterday I called her and told her the remote wasn’t working and maybe whoever broke it could see her way clear to get me another one but she said her husband Lamar he was always having trouble with his remote too and she thought it had to do with how men was always pushing the buttons too hard. Then she said she had to go because she had two blueberry pies in the oven. So what do you think?

A: We think that in Charlene’s case, two blueberry pies in the oven is probably two too many.


Q: No, I mean what do you think would be a mannerly way of asking Charlene to replace our remote?

A: Forget it. Buy another remote, but leave the old one lying on the couch as a decoy, just in case Charlene comes to visit again.


Q: Nearly every day old Tom struts out of the neighbor’s back door with his tail up in the air, climbs over our backyard fence and poops in our yard. He never covers it up, and when I beat on the window and holler “SCAT!” Tom he gives me a dirty look and climbs away up to the top of our oak tree where he carries on something awful for three or four hours. I’ve asked the neighbors to keep old Tom at home but it don’t do no good. I don’t want to hurt old Tom, but I’m beginning to think I ought to get me a pellet gun. What do you think?

A: That would depend on whether old Tom is your neighbor’s cat or his grandfather.


Q: Momma she got me a royal blue tie with yellow flying fish on it for Christmas. So where do you wear a royal blue tie with yellow flying fish on it?

A: Around your neck.


Q: Me and Belladonna we went to our neighbor’s daughter’s wedding last week and when Nadine which is the daughter’s name went to light her candle up in front of the church she caught her vale on fire which the preacher finally put out with water from some of the flowers they had in a vase on the piano before much damage was done. Nadine she wasn’t hurt except for losing a good deal of her hair which had a hole lot of hairspray on it and went up right away. Mainly on the top and the right side. And also the right eyebrow and eyelasher. So anyhow when they got her put out and her head stopped smoking she said she was ready to get married come Hell or high water and did anybody have a boggin she could wear which somebody had a ‘Bama cap and she wore it and although the groom he looked very distracted due to him being an Auburn fan and his new bride’s hair all singed off and all but irregardless they finished up without any more fires or accidents except for the ring bearer he wet himself when she caught fire and her momma got to hollering and they had to take her outside until she quieted down.

A: And your question is?


Q: Huh?

A: Think really hard.


Q: Oh yeah, don’t you think it would be a good idea for the Baptists to have beer and hard liquor served at their wedding receptions like the Catholics do?

A: Until I read the preamble to your question, it had never crossed my mind. But now that you mention it, probably.


If you have a question on manners, be sure to contact us here at the Mannerly Man Institute. Coach Hacklespeck also has Championship boggins at reasonable prices.