Road Apples
Feb. 1, 2010


Decorate your burrows, the big day is almost here

By Tim Sanders

This week we celebrate a holiday which embodies all the virtues our great nation holds dear. That’s right, this week we celebrate Groundhog Day. Now granted, we all know about decorating our homes with little mounds of dirt and inviting the neighbors over for a cup of grog and some traditional acorn and hickory nut clusters, but how many of you really know what Groundhog Day is all about?
Three?

Okay then, here are some frequently asked Groundhog Day questions, and some equally frequent answers, many of which are very plausible.


Q: What is the difference between a groundhog and a woodchuck?

A: About two pounds.


Q: Can you be serious for a moment?
A: All right then, “groundhog” is a crude name for pork sausage. “Woodchuck,” on the other hand, isn’t, although you can purchase something called “ground chuck” at the supermarket. We’ve always avoided ground chuck on general principles.


Q: So can you explain all the stuff about the groundhog and his shadow?
A: Yes. According to legend, when the groundhog emerges from his burrow on February 2nd, if he sees his shadow he’ll return to his burrow and there will be six more weeks of winter. Unless it is a Leap Year.


Q: Speaking of burrows, what is the difference between a burrow and a burro?

A: A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro, on the other hand, is an ass. You should know the difference.

Q: How about a burrito?

A: Not now, thanks. I’m writing a column and they tend to backfire on me.


Q: Your columns?

A: Burritos.


Q: Where did Groundhog Day originate?

A: Groundhog Day originated in medieval Europe. I believe the Germans were the culprits.


Q: So the Germanic peoples came out of their burrows on February 2nd to look for their shadows and to predict the arrival of spring?

A: If you prefer that version, it’s fine with me. On the other hand there’s the version that says the old Germanic tribesmen used to celebrate something they called “Sacred Bear Day” on February 2nd, which involved sending a special emissary from every small village to watch at the mouth of a cave to see if the fierce black bear that hibernated in the cave did or didn’t see his shadow when he awakened. If the bear persisted on trying to sleep through the holiday, the emissary would throw chunks of coal and large stones at him until he awakened. It was a much livelier holiday back then.


Q: So why didn’t they continue with the Sacred Bear celebration?

A: In the 13th Century the Germans ran out of village idiots. Due to inflation, a shrinking Deutsche Mark, and something called the Great Sauerkraut Famine of 1256, the poor German villagers could not afford to import idiots from other European countries to annoy their bears. Smaller, more economical burrowing mammals were the obvious choice. Votes were cast throughout Germany on the second Tuesday of November, 1258, and the results were very close. If not for the good people of Dresden, we would be celebrating Hairy-Tailed Pygmy Mole Day this week.


Q: How did we acquire the holiday from the Germans?

A: It came to this country aboard an Austrian steamer in 1882, along with a load of German chocolate.


Q: Why do the people of Pennsylvania make such a big deal out of Groundhog Day?

A: Because there are huge numbers of Pennsylvania Dutch in that state.


Q: What do the Pennsylvania Dutch have to do with the Germans?

A: The Pennsylvania Dutch aren’t actually Dutch, they’re German.


Q: So why aren’t they called Pennsylvania Germans?

A: Because ... because ... because OUCH ... BECAUSE I HAVE A HEADACHE, THAT’S WHY!


Q: Who is Punxsutawney Phil?

A: He is the resident groundhog of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Phil emerges from his prefab home on Gobbler’s Knob outside of town every February 2nd, and as thousands of Pennsylvanians applaud and cheer wildly, he decorates the grass with several festive groundhog turds. I believe Bill Murray played him in the movie.


Q: So what makes you such an authority on groundhogs?

A: When I was a kid I had a pet groundhog. I named him Woody because a) I mistakenly thought he was a woodchuck, and b) I was not known for my originality. Woody could not predict when spring was coming, but that was because he was only a minnow when I got him, and he didn’t get the proper meteorological training.


I must go now and finish my last minute Groundhog Day shopping. Shadow or no shadow, I’m buying my wife a new snow shovel, just in case.