Road Apples
Feb. 2, 2009


Fat viruses and other scapegoats

By Tim Sanders

A couple of interesting news items surfaced over the last few days. The first one appeared on Saturday, January 24, on the FOX news Internet website:


BLACK MAGIC? NEWSPAPER CLAIMS SUSPECT TURNED INTO A GOAT

LAGOS, Nigeria – One of Nigeria’s biggest daily newspapers reported that police implicated a goat in an attempted automobile theft. In a front-page article on Friday, the Vanguard newspaper said that two men tried to steal a Mazda car two days earlier in Kwara State, with one suspect transforming himself into a goat as vigilantes cornered him.

The paper quoted police spokesman Tunde Mohammed as saying that while one suspect escaped, the other transformed into a goat as he was about to be apprehended.

The newspaper reported that police paraded the goat before journalists, and published a picture of the animal.

Police in the state couldn’t immediately be reached for comment.

Belief in black magic is widespread in Nigeria, particularly in far-flung rural areas.


This article caught my attention because it contained all of the elements one could possibly need in a newspaper article:

1. There are car thieves

2. There are vigilantes

3. One thief escapes

4. Second thief turns into goat

5. Due to skillful police work, goat is captured and charged with attempted car theft

6. None of this surprises people in Nigeria

Then there was the following headline, likewise on the Fox news website, this time dated January 26:


OBESITY ‘VIRUS’ SPREADS LIKE COMMON COLD, SCIENTISTS SAY

Obesity can be "caught" as easily as a common cold from other people’s coughs, sneezes and dirty hands, scientists said Monday.

The condition has been linked to a highly-infectious virus which causes sniffles and sore throats.

Nikhil Dhurandhar, an associate professor at The Pennington Biomedical Research Center in Baton Rouge, La.,, said the virus, known as AD-36, infects the lungs then whisks around the body, forcing fat cells to multiply and also causing sore throats.


The "fat virus" article goes on to explain that "evidence in tests on mice and chickens shows the bug could cause overweight prople to gain weight," and then allows for the possibility that "people COULD be fat for reasons other than viral infections ...”


Like that first article, the second caught my attention because of the critical journalistic elements it contained, such as:

1. A REASON OTHER THAN OVEREATING WHY I CAN NO LONGER SQUEEZE INTO MY PANTS

2. Something or other about mice and chickens

3. Okay, so there aren’t really any critical journalistic elements

What these two articles do have in common, however, are the similarities between the "one of the slippery devils turned himself into a goat but we caught him anyway" defense, and the "I contracted a very serious nineteen-pound virus at the International House of Pancakes last month" defense. Both are novel ways of re-explaining the obvious. Those explanations are much more satisfying than the old "we expect an arrest soon" and "I have a glandular condition" lines.
I admire creative excuses. There was a time, many decades ago, when that time-worn "the dog ate my homework" excuse was new. Parents, teachers, and school administrators accepted that excuse, and it worked well. Sadly, it was overused, and research into canine dietary habits eventually rendered it ineffective. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the "goat-man" excuse were to gain popularity over the next few years. Wives of convicted governors, investment bankers and other felons will undoubtedly be showing up in courtrooms all over the country leading Nigerian dwarf goats, Blackface Highland sheep , and even feisty little Dominicker roosters on leashes, swearing "Yes, your honor, it certainly is my husband; he hasn’t been himself lately." And as to the "fat virus" excuse, within a few months people will be avoiding fat farms and Weight Watchers support meetings for fear of reinfecting themselves with an even more virulent form of the poundage bug. Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore will both be hosting concerts to raise money for Viral Fat Research (wearing surgical masks, of course). And Senator Edward Kennedy will undoubtedly sponsor legislation earmarking a good portion of the latest economic stimulus package for Viral Fat Awareness programs in our public schools.

I’d hoped to include a third informative news article in this week’s discussion. It involved a Brooklyn gentleman named G. Lynnwood Sprott who admitted to stuffing a grapefruit into his wife’s mouth and duct-taping her to the wall in their bedroom closet. The article said that he told the judge that he’d only done so because he’d been picking up old TV reruns on his dental fillings and became convinced she was Lucille Ball. It was a good story, and it seemed to fit the theme of this column, except that since it appeared on the front page of the New York Times, I decided it probably wasn’t true.

Since the Martians took over the editorship of that paper, I have no confidence in their stories. I’ll stick with reliable sources like the Nigerian Vanguard and good old Tunde Mohammed.