By Tim Sanders

This is the week Americans proudly unfurl their flags and celebrate Presidents Day, even though they are not exactly sure what it is. A recent survey, in fact, revealed that the public understands less about Presidents Day than it does about Daylight Saving Time, Democratic super delegates, or Restless Leg Syndrome. In hopes of clarifying all the Presidents’ Day confusion, I have researched the holiday at length, and found its length to be exactly 24 hours, Daylight Saving Time or no Daylight Saving time. Here are the answers to some of those pesky Presidents’ Day questions we’ve all asked at one time or another:

Q: You mentioned "unfurling" flags. How do you "unfurl" something?

A: Try to remember how you furled it, and work backward.

Q: Is Presidents’ Day a federal holiday, or isn’t it?

A: We are almost positive the answer to your question is: Yes.
 

Q: Yes it is, or yes it isn’t?

A: Absolutely. Sort of.

Q: Why do you say "sort of?"

A: It may still officially be Washington’s Birthday, not Presidents Day. We do know that one of the two is definitely a federal holiday.
 

Q: How do we know?

A: We know this because it is always celebrated on the 3rd Monday in February. All federal holidays occur on Mondays. That was arranged when Congress passed the 1968 Party Time Holiday Weekend Act so that overworked, underpaid federal employees, including Congressmen and their lobbyists, would have an extra long weekend to spend in Bimini. If Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday were ever declared federal holidays, they’d automatically become Palm Monday and Easter Monday, which would probably force Congress to declare a whole month of Mondays, just to make sure that Ash Monday and Good Monday were covered, too. Congresspersons are very spiritual when it comes to their paid holidays.

Q: So Washington’s actual birthday was February 22, right?

A: Sort of. George Washington’s birthday was traditionally celebrated on February 22, although technically he was born on February 11, 1732 according to the old style Julian Calendar. The Julian Calendar was switched to the more attractive Gregorian Calendar by the British Calendar Act of 1751. This parliamentary act enabled American colonists to go to sleep on Wednesday, September 2, 1752, and wake up the next morning on Thursday, July 4, 1956. Only kidding, actually when they woke up it was still 1752, but it was Thursday, September 14. They’d lost 12 whole days and gained a leap year, which caused many of them to give up whiskey altogether. So by the 1790s, some Americans celebrated Washington’s birthday on February 11, and others on February 22. Understand?

Q: No.

A: Neither do we.

Q: So when did Washington’s Birthday become a federal holiday?

A: Federal offices in Washington D.C. began observing it officially in 1880. In five years the law was expanded to include all federal offices nationwide, just in time for the historic 1885 Washington’s Birthday Sale in Congress, which allowed common, everyday lobbyists to buy legislators at huge discounts.

Q: Why do we call it Presidents’ Day now, and when did all of that nonsense start?

A: We do not know, but we firmly believe that Richard Milhous Nixon was implicated, somehow. After all, he spelled "Milhous" with only one "l" and no "e." We do know that by the 1980s the name "Presidents’ Day" seemed like a good way of pretending to include Abraham Lincoln in the February holiday equation. (Lincoln was born on February 12, and although he certainly deserves his very own federal holiday, the U.S. Bureau of Paid Federal Holidays has repeatedly ruled against him on the grounds that during his minor league career in the Illinois Senate he’d taken Human Growth Hormone injections, which gave him an unfair height advantage.)

Q: But on Presidents’ Day we celebrate both Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthdays, right?

A: Not exactly. Many Americans now consider Presidents’ Day a celebration honoring all Presidents, or certain Presidents they admire. Chester Alan Arthur, for example, was born on the steps of a Vermont maple syrup refinery on October 25, 1829. I’ve never heard of anybody celebrating his birthday on the 3rd Monday in February, but if they wanted to, it would be perfectly legal. And the same goes for William Jennings Bryan.

Q: There was a President Bryan?

A: Actually no. That was the name I selected as the 21st President of the United States from the multiple choice list in a high school history test. Chester Alan Arthur was on the list, too, but I was sure the teacher had made that name up. I was wrong, but I always consoled myself with the fact that one of my buddies missed the question by an entire continent and two centuries when he selected "Oliver Cromwell."
 

Q: Whew! Washington’s Birthday, Lincoln’s Birthday, Presidents’ Day, February 11, February 22, Gregorian Calendars, Congress, Parliament, Chester Jennings Whatchamacallit! I think I’m feeling queasy.

A: Could you put that in the form of a question?
 

Q: OK then, do you have a Maalox?

A: No. But I promise not to mention how state celebrations differ. Georgia, for reasons known only to Georgians, celebrates Washington’s Birthday as an official state holiday on December 26. In our own state of Alabama, Presidents’ Day is also known as Washington and Jefferson Day. Alabamians celebrate Jefferson’s birthday on the 3rd Monday in February because .... well, because he was born in Albermarle County, Virginia on either April 2, 1743 or April 13, 1743, depending on which calendar you consult. Surely you can see the connection.

Q: LORD HELP ME! Can we please (URP) stop now?

A: Yes. We could discuss Chicago’s eighth annual celebration of Washington and Winfrey Day this Monday, but we won’t.

Next month we will answer questions about Daylight Saving Time, which either begins or ends on the second Sunday of March, depending on which calendar you use.