Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Feb. 18, 2013
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Words and phrases we can do without The English language can be a thing of beauty when wielded by people like Shakespeare, John Donne, and Mark Twain. And of course there was Admiral Myron Meeks Gilhooley, captain of the Irish ship Ballyhoo, who once uttered that memorable phrase, “Avast! Stand athwart there, trim the top'sils and HEAVE TO, ME HEARTIES!” Sadly none of the deck hands understood “boat talk,” but several of them were inspired to run to the rail and heave to, and the Ballyhoo sank on her maiden voyage across Galway Bay. But those words still remain lodged in our collective minds. Or maybe not. So where was I? Oh yeah, the English language can be a thing of beauty, and then again certain English words can be a real pain in the backside. Some words are so overused that if they ever really had any meaning, it is lost by falling incessantly from the lips of teenagers and 50-year-olds who still think they're teenagers. Some of these words should be illegal, and people who use them should receive stiff penalties. Read the following example, and see if you recognize any of those annoying words: EXAMPLE: “Yesterday was so totally awesome 'cuz me and Julia went to Gnarley Bob's Pancake and Oyster Bar and they had this seriously awesome band called Caligula and the Screamers and we went on my chopper which is one badass machine and Julia she had just got her snake tattoo which is like, you know, not just a garden snake but a really wicked rattlesnake with its like, you know, body curled up down on her chest and the head reaching up to her chin and the tongue all flattened out under her nose and it looks like it is going after her nose ring and she had also just got five more tongue studs and she was totally hot and if we could of stayed longer we would have won a prize but when the Screamers started in on “Itch and Burn,” Julia said, like, you know, her ear drum exploded and she had to leave. After the ride home on my badass chopper, she done better. She said oysters made her sick anyhow. Or maybe she has a bug. Whatever. I told her I could care less. Literally.” ANNOYING WORDS AND PHRASES: SO TOTALLY AWESOME - First, the word “so” is a useless appendage, and “totally” awesome apparently means that some things are only “partially” awesome, which is totally silly. And that brings us to “awesome,” which has become the most annoying word in the English language. “Awesome” used to indicate either the deity, or things he'd created of such magnificence that even he was proud of them; things like Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon, the Rocky Mountains, and Sophia Loren. “Awesome” meant “awe inspiring.” Now it can be used to describe a new tattoo or a peanut butter fudge recipe or a cat with eight toes. Awesome is used over and over and over again, and it should be banned for at least two generations. SERIOUSLY AWESOME - As opposed to “humorously awesome,” I guess. BADASS - This term should be used when describing a proctological problem, but it has nothing to do with vehicles. LIKE, YOU KNOW - These give the speaker time to, like, you know, think. He'd be better off if he just said nothing. SHE HAS A BUG - Julia's pets have nothing to do with the subject at hand. WHATEVER - ? I COULD CARE LESS - This phrase is meant to show indifference, but actually misses the point. “I couldn't care less” would indicate indifference, but “I could care less” means that not only do you care, but it's possible you couldn't care more. LITERALLY - “I could (or couldn't) care less, literally” means that figuratively, on the other hand, you couldn't or could, depending on how much beer you've consumed. If one were to remove all of the unnecessary words and phrases from that original statement, what was left would make much more sense, and sound like this: “Julia and I went to a bar last night and heard a rather loud band which ruptured Julia's eardrum. She also claimed she got sick from eating oysters, but it may have been the trip home on the Vespa that did her in. That thing will do 55 mph downhill.” Here are a few more to add to the list. None are as annoying as “awesome,” but some come really close. I, for one with all due respect LOL OMG double down kick the can down the road my two cents worth it's not rocket science/brain surgery my bad cutting edge proactive back in the day the “F” bomb friendly (family, environmentally, etc.) We all have our favorites. Feel free to add your own. |