Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Feb. 27, 2012

E-mail tails ... er, tales

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Facebook or no Facebook, your old, reliable e-mail inbox is still an excellent source of all kinds of valuable information. Here’s some of that information, followed by our analysis of it.


• This one has been circulating through e-mail inboxes for a while now. “THIS IS INCREDIBLE!” it says, and then tells you to scroll down, where eventually you are told that Tom Hanks’ father was the lead singer of The Diamonds way back in 1957, when the group released “Little Darlin’.” There is a link to a YouTube video of one of their 55-year-old performances, and sure enough, that lead singer looks almost exactly like movie star Warren Oates. No, sorry, that’s the bass singer. The lead singer is the guy on the left of your screen, and he bears a striking resemblance, especially if you back away from your computer, to Tom Hanks. His hair is similar, and his eyes are squinty and positioned, just like Tom’s, on both sides of his nose. But I researched this one using the Sanders Research Method, and learned that Tom Hanks’ father was an itinerant cook in California who never, ever sang with a doo-wop group. Hanks’ mother, on the other hand, was the original drummer for the Jimi Hendrix power trio. Or not, if you prefer. FALSE.


• Here’s another: “BELIEVE IT OR NOT, LAUGH-IN STAR RUTH BUZZI, AND FORMER PRESIDENT CALVIN COOLIDGE BOTH HAD PREHENSILE TAILS!” This, of course, is pure, unscientific nonsense. “Prehensile” is defined as “adaptable for seizing or grasping,” and only species like new world monkeys, opossums, and some skunks have tails suited for grasping. There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that President Coolidge ever dropped a pen in the Oval Office and picked it up with his tail. And did anyone ever see old Gladys Ormphby slip a long, furry tail out from under her dowdy old skirt, sling it around poor Tyrone’s neck and fling the old man from that park bench? Of course not! What they had were “vestigial” tails, which means those tails were much shorter, and, for all practical purposes, useless. Coolidge had his vestigial tail surgically removed in the late 1890s due to the difficulty he had finding trousers that fit. Newspaper reports from the period when he was first running for state office in Massachusetts complained that his habit of wagging his tail to express joy or amusement during political speeches tended to distract likely voters and frighten children. ONLY PARTIALLY TRUE.


• “FAMED DIRECTOR AND PRODUCER ALFRED HITCHCOCK HAD NO BELLY BUTTON!” Where did that one come from? My theory is that, since none of the famous stars who worked with Hitchcock, including Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, Grace Kelly, Tony Perkins, or Janet Leigh ever saw the director’s belly button, and since he never displayed it while hosting his “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” TV show, and since he never, ever appeared wearing a Speedo in any of the Beach movies with Frankie and Annette, then obviously, if you put two and two together, you get ... FIVE! The man had no belly button. The other possibility has to do with that bothersome headline buried on page 8 of the April 1, 1959 edition of the New York Times which read: “Hitchcock claims ‘I am a fastidious man, and I have no belly button.’” The quote, however, was incomplete and should have read: “... no belly button LINT.” INCONCLUSIVE.


• Several Internet posts have reached my inbox claiming that, as a matter of scientific fact, “CATS ARE LESS AERODYNAMIC THAN FRISBEES.” Since one so seldom sees cats being tossed about on the beach, where Frisbees are always flying in vast profusion, this may be true. On the other hand, you can drop a Frisbee from a garage roof, and there’s no telling how it will land. A cat, on the other hand, will always land on its feet. I personally performed this experiment several times as a youngster. During my scientist phase. QUESTIONABLE.


• And speaking of aerodynamic cats, here’s a story that I really admire, even if it is apocryphal. “CAT SURVIVES FLIGHT FROM SAN DIEGO TO CHICAGO IN BOEING 747 WHEEL WELL.” This one came across my email inbox a few months ago, and included several comments commending the cat for his courage, perseverance, resistance to cold temperatures and bowel control. There was even a photo of the cat, which the O’Hare airport employees had named “Lucky.” In that photo, Lucky’s claws were still firmly embedded in the top of that wheel well, while a ground crew wearing heavy gloves and catchers’ masks worked to pry him loose. Lucky’s fur was sticking out in a very unattractive fashion, although, to his credit, for a tabby cat he certainly had large eyes. WOULD I LIE TO YOU?


• “IN THE OLD MR. ED TV SERIES, MR. ED WAS ACTUALLY NOT A HORSE AT ALL, BUT A ZEBRA.” Palomino horses, according to this particular email, all had lousy diction. Zebras, particularly a Grevy’s zebra named Amelia, could pronounce over 800 English words in a perfect, Midwestern accent. So when the original Mr. Ed demanded salary increases and fewer lines, the producers borrowed Amelia from California’s Jungleland Zoo, and she agreed to fill in during the now legendary Mr. Ed contract disputes. Fortunately, Amelia the Zebra had a very deep voice, and when fully painted (with non-toxic whitewash) bore an uncanny resemblance to Ed. According to the email I received, Ed deeply resented Amelia, and even though he returned to the set to watch as she filled in, he never spoke to her at all. I didn’t do any research on this one, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s absolutely true. It sure makes more sense than the old peanut butter on Ed’s lips and the trainer yanking a length of string explanation. Then again, OPINIONS VARY.


If this has been helpful, don’t bother to thank me. That’s my job.