Road Apples by Tim Sanders
March 11, 2013

How to compose a business letter

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When I was a kid, we had a teacher who felt it was absolutely imperative that a bunch of gum smacking, spit ball shooting, rock throwing little nose-picking barbarians learn to compose a proper business letter. The closest I'd ever come to transacting any business of any sort involved a recent shipment of Christmas cards. I'd sold twelve boxes, which was just enough to earn me an actual Viscount 6 transistor pocket radio with a genuine leather case and a fully functioning earphone. Each box was especially designed for each specific family, with their names personally embossed inside each card. The problem was that one of the boxes of cards contained a serious misspelling, and the customer wanted his check back until the mistake was corrected. The teacher thought this would be an excellent chance for me to learn how to get the desired results by composing a really impressive business letter. I did my best, which initially went something like this:


“Dear Maxwell Personalized Greeting Cards of Stackpole, Massachusetts, Inc. How are you? I am fine. I got your address off of an old Boy's Life magazine although I am not a boy scout, but they have them stacked in the school library. The magazines. The cards you sent are all fine, too, except for the box for the Merry Christmas from Dr. Kevin Asman and Family ones, which he wants a refund for because he says that Asman has only one s, not two. I know I printed each letter in the boxes you provided, and so it was your mistake. Until you send some other ones, he wants his check back, which I told him I already sent to you guys along with all the other ones so I could get my 6 transistor radio with leather case which I still haven't got. Please write me back right away so I can tell Dr. Asman something. Dr. Asman treats my dad for his asteroids. Dad said I need to do something drastic, but he didn't say what.”


I thought the letter covered pretty much everything, but my teacher wasn't satisfied. She said it wasn't a proper business letter at all. After all these years, I think I've finally figured out the difference between a proper and an improper business letter.


IMPROPER BUSINESS LETTER:

“HEY, HEY, HEY! That there pint of asparagus treakle ice cream you sent me was supposed to come in a refrigerated truck, but it came UPS and they left it on the doorstep and when I got to it there wasn't nothing but a soggy box and a puddle and you couldn't even taste the treakle. I know where you live, and I know that you have a cat. So if I don't get another pint of asparagus treakle delivered nice and icy cold to my hands by next Friday, I will hunt you and your cat down!” Empty threats have no place in a modern business letter. Instead we recommend the following:


PROPER BUSINESS LETTER: You need to know that nothing impresses businessmen like lots and lots of very legal sounding words. Several pages worth, if you can manage it. Here's what you'll need:

At the top of your asparagus treakle business letter you'll need what they call a “letterhead.” Any letter will do. Include your address and personal data if you think anybody is interested. This is called the conundrum.
Date. Preferably the current date.

Inside address. As opposed to the outside address, which if you're talking about a large city building may be altogether different. For example:

“Sven and Larry's Tasty Dairy Treats

Asparagus Treakle Div.

10216 Grand Fenwick Dr.

Nogotny, Vermont.”

Salutatorian: This would consist of a friendly greeting, as in: “Dear sir or madam or otherwise, as the case may be.”

Body of the letter, or Habeas Corpus. This gives the writer a chance to really spread himself, if you get my drift.

“Mr. and Mrs. Billy Bob Lester, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part, is asking that Sven and Larry's Tasty Dairy Treats, Inc., henceforth known as the party of the second part, refund the purchase price of $19.88, plus shipping and handling ($9.30), and an additional $186,000 for pain and suffering and loss of marital intimacy, brought on by poor service by the party of the second part. Inasmuch, hereto, therefore, etc.

Please direct any response which does not include the monetary amounts mentioned to the offices of Hopwell, Hopwell, and Flotsam, our fine legal team.

Our lawyers have your address, and they will hunt you down if need be. And they do not like cats, so you can look forward to somebody, somewhere, taunting your cat with sardines until he loses his mind and costs you an arm and a leg in re-upholstery bills.”

This is always followed by the “Complimentary Closing,” as in: “With kindest regards and may your day be blessed, your friend Billy Bob Lester, party of the first part.”


That is how a business letter should be done. Lots of words and as many pages as you can produce. If necessary, take your original page-long business letter and back it up with a couple hundred copies. When you walk into an office waving all of that superfluous paperwork around, people will be impressed. They'll encourage you to run for office. Or at the very least, encourage you to run from that particular office.