By Tim Sanders

So how do you alleviate stress? Many people practice yoga, perform deep breathing exercises, or simply read a good book. Others, sadly, resort to medicating themselves with prescription drugs or alcohol. There are none so stress free, after all, as the comatose. But every once in a while somebody comes up with something new.

Here are some excerpts from a March 7, 2007 Los Angeles Times article by staff writer Andrew Blankstein:

LAX Passenger hides objects in his body; bomb squad called
Authorities called in the bomb squad early Tuesday and diverted a flight to Las Vegas after Los Angeles International Airport security screeners found hidden wires and other objects in a body cavity of a Philadelphia-bound passenger.

Fadhel Al-Maliki, a 35-year-old Iraqi national living in Atlantic City, N.J., had been flagged by security officials at LAX and was undergoing a secondary "selectee screening" when he set off a metal detector.

Al-Maliki, a former security guard, told screeners that he knew what had triggered the alarm and proceeded to remove items from his rectum, including a rock, chewing gum, and thin wire filament.

... During questioning, Al-Maliki said the objects in his rectum were used to alleviate stress, federal law enforcement sources said.

The rock, authorities said he told them, was from another planet.

The article explains that while Al-Maliki was being questioned, his luggage was loaded onto the flight to Philadelphia, which was soon diverted to Las Vegas "out of an abundance of caution." Once there, all of the passengers deplaned while the luggage was checked. Nothing dangerous was found, so the passengers planed again, or replaned, and went on their way.

There is more in that article, but none of it is germane to my column. Suffice it to say that I have no reason to doubt its veracity, since staff writer Andrew Blankstein is probably every bit as honest as any of the other journalists at the Los Angeles Times. Possibly more so. My only problem with Blankstein’s article is his repetitive use of the term "rectum." I remember the first time an editor called me one of those; it wasn’t just hurtful, it was emotionally devastating. So in the interest of sensitivity and political correctitude, I shall henceforth refer to that portion of the anatomy as the "R-word." (This is a family-friendly column, after all.)

Here are some questions that the LA Times article raises:

First the issue of racial profiling comes to mind. Does racial profiling actually happen at our nation’s air terminals? Yes it does. History tells us that Scandinavian raiders plundered the British Isles in the 9th and 10th Centuries. So when an oxcart full of Irishmen saw a Nordic-looking guy wearing a horned helmet and chain mail striding purposefully in their direction, they recognized the importance of questioning him in depth–sometimes with axes and shillelaghs. This historical lesson was not lost on those wise bureaucrats at the National Transportation Security Administration. Since terrorist attacks perpetrated by Middle Easterners have occurred with regularity over the past thirty years or so, but the Viking Age lasted for nearly 300 years, airport screeners are now instructed to detain and carefully interrogate every single Viking attempting to board a plane.

Another question which the LA Times article did not address is: Was the gum found in Fadhel Al-Maliki’s R-word already chewed, or still in the wrapper? I am not a professional psychologist, but if I were one, and were to recommend that stressed patients put Wrigley’s Spearmint up their R-words so as to soothe their troubled minds, I am sure the question would come up. (By the way, many’s the time I’ve climbed out of my car on a hot day and stepped directly onto a wad of chewing gum carelessly tossed onto the pavement. On almost every occasion I’ve said to myself, while scraping my shoe on the curb, "I wish that dimwit had his gum stuffed up his R-word." Perhaps Al-Maliki’s gum was inserted into his R-word to alleviate somebody else’s stress.)

The article says that eventually an FBI bomb squad was called to the airport, due to "concern that the objects might be components for an explosive device." I can only imagine that scene:

AGENT #1: All right, so where are the objects?

AIRPORT SECURITY SCREENER: After he removed them from his R-word, we had him place them over there on that table.

AGENT #1 (Approaching table): EEEEEW! Hey Earl, why don’t you check this stuff out while I take notes.

AGENT #2: Why is it always me? Why don’t you check them out this time, and I’ll take notes?

AGENT #1: Because I have seniority, that’s why!

AGENT #2 (To airport screener): Okay then, let’s see. We’ve got some–hey, what did he say that was? (Points toward object on table)

AIRPORT SCREENER: Chewing gum. It was the first thing he pulled out of his R-word.

AGENT #2: That’s good enough for me. (To agent #1) Write down chewing gum. (To screener) And some copper wire?

AIRPORT SCREENER: That’s what he said. See if it doesn’t feel like copper to you?

AGENT #2: I don’t have to feel it. I’m a professional, and I guess I know copper wire when I see copper wire! Write down copper wire, Gary!

AGENT #1: Length?

AGENT #2: Your guess is as good as mine. You’re the one with seniority! (To screener) And that other thing, the big one, what’s that?

SCREENER: He says it’s a rock from another planet.

AGENT #2: Write down ‘asteroid,’ Gary. That’s with one ‘s.’

AGENT #1: Very funny, Earl. (To airport screener) Did you guys examine his R-word for any other hazardous materials?

SCREENER: We don’t, as a general rule, go poking around in people’s R-words. We asked him if there was anything else up his R-word, and he said no, his R-word was empty. According to our job classification, that’s all we’re required to do. Now if you guys at the Bureau have a specially trained team of butt-sniffing dogs, then you just bring ’em over, aim ’em at his R-word, and let ’em go to town.
 

My guess would be that even those primitive, 10th Century Vikings had better ways of alleviating stress.