Road Apples by Tim Sanders
March 12, 2012

Making the Happy Meal pay for itself

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The political primary season is upon us. It has been upon us for several months now, and we are getting very, very weary. But here in Alabama we have a saying, which is: “Primary? Schmimary! The really important day will come in November, when Alabama and Auburn meet in the Iron Bowl!” Which is not to say humor columnists don’t take politics seriously. According to the recent Gaylesville humor columnists caucus, at least 27 percent of us do. You may count me in that number. I voted twice.

One of the political ads I took seriously was aired recently on a Guntersville radio station. It actually advised folks to vote for a north Alabama county commissioner because he’d always supported term limits, and then immediately added that he needed just one more term to finish all the laudatory things he’d tried to accomplish in his last term.

On the national scene, the Republicans have come up with a brilliant strategy this year, which involves not picking an actual presidential candidate until November, just to confuse the Democrats. The Democrats, on the other hand, plan to take the wind out of the Republicans’ sails by blaming the last four years on Joe Biden.
I know what you’re thinking: “Give us the good old days, when we had statesmen like Washington and Jefferson and Coolidge. Why aren’t they here when we need them, to lift us out of our economic doldrums?” Well, they are here, at McDonald’s, and they can indeed lift us out of our economic doldrums. Some of us, anyway.

In a March 8 article in the Sioux City Journal, Nick Hytrek reported:


“... The owner of the now world-famous McDonald’s McNugget bearing a resemblance to [George] Washington remains optimistic about selling the frozen chicken chunk after the winner of an online auction backed out on the deal.
‘They were very sorry,’

[Rebekah] Speight said of the bidder, who had submitted the winning bid of $8,100 on eBay.

Speight said eBay rules allow her to offer the McNugget to the second-highest bidder, who had bid $8,000. Speight said she’s been in contact with that bidder, but a deal might not be doable because the bidder lives overseas. Speight is concerned that she might not be able to ensure that the chicken will ship quickly enough to remain frozen.

If that deal falls through, Speight said, she can offer the nugget to the third-highest bidder, and so on. She has 60 days to decide what to do.

The Washington McNugget has taken on a life of its own, drawing interview requests from media in Germany and Canada.

... Speight, of Dakota City [Nebraska], noticed the nugget’s resemblance to the first president when cleaning up her children’s uneaten meals at a Sioux City McDonald’s three years ago. It’s been in her freezer since then.”


The Speight McNugget is much better than all the other George Washington McNuggets on eBay. One of them looks more like Bess Truman, and another looks like Terry Bradshaw with a rat on his head. I have seen several photographs of the Speight McNugget, and they are all impressive. The McNugget is always photographed to show the Commander-in-Chief in profile, and that right eye seems to have the very same steely George Washington determination you will notice in all of those old Gilbert Stuart paintings, although the McNugget eye is not nearly as blue. The powdered wig looks very good, and what appear to be either ruffles or lumps of batter around the president’s neck are an excellent touch. I was a little skeptical about the chin whiskers, but after closer examination I decided they were only freezer burn, and could be removed if Ms. Speight would only thaw the president out just a bit to make him more cosmetically appealing. Nobody would want to invest good money in a Gabby Hayes McNugget, after all.

Now granted, not everybody who purchases a box of McNuggets will come up with a George Washington McNugget. The odds are against it. On the other hand, there are places here in Alabama where you can still purchase a 50-piece box of McNuggets for under $10, and at least one of those McNuggets is bound to look like one of our 44 presidents. Or if not a president, at least a presidential candidate. My guess is that there would be two or three McNugget in every box that bore a striking resemblance to Ron Paul. Not that you could get eight grand for a crusty old Paul McNugget, but even if you auctioned the thing off for, oh, let’s say $20, you’re still talking about an excellent return on that initial $10 investment.
And there’s no reason to limit yourself to McNuggets when it comes to finding familiar faces in everyday foodstuffs. People are always finding the Virgin Mary’s likeness on pieces of toast, and Jesus miraculously pops up every few months on a potato chip or a pancake. These, and more, have all made considerable money for their owners on Internet auction sites.

So yes, I realize that the economy is bad, and gas prices and supermarket prices are skyrocketing, but I’m not just taking it lying down. I have a strategy.
I, personally, have an old russet potato that looks almost exactly like Newt Gingrich. Except for the fact that the potato is starting to sprout. And also there are those eyes, which are somewhat larger and more numerous than Newt’s. Regardless, I’m sure I can get a few bucks out of it.

And just last Saturday, while browsing through the produce section in a local grocery store, I found a parsnip that looked a lot like President Obama. It had that same upward tilt to the chin, and a blemish that resembled his sardonic smile.
Still, there was something not quite right about it. But when I took it home and taped those two vitamin–enriched 8-inch taco shells to each side for ears, my little Barack parsnip came to life. The resemblance was uncanny. I also have an old, moldy tortilla shell that bears the likeness of Millard Fillmore. I plan to auction both items as a presidential set, and given the cost of gas for shipping, the expense of maintenance and storage, and allowing for inflation, the bidding will start at $22,000.