Road Apples by Tim Sanders
March 19, 2012
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Alabamer Grammar returns Words are critical. When you string a whole lot of them together, you get grammar. Sometimes. And just one wrong word in two otherwise sensible sentences can make the speaker sound like an idiot. Take, for example, the following statements: “On March 20, 1979, President Jimmy Carter fought off a swamp rabbit with his boat paddle while fishing on his mother’s trout pond in Plains, Georgia. Tomorrow Americans everywhere will once again celebrate this courageous head of state and his ability to single-handedly foil that fearsome rabbit’s assassination attempt.” As you probably already noticed, that one little word, “March,” is all wrong. As everyone knows, the infamous rabbit attack occurred on April 20, not March 20, which is why you see no street decorations yet. And therefore neither sentence has any business in this column, which will appear in the March 19 issue of The Post. Fortunately, I noticed the mistake, and realized that I’d have to wait until next month to explore the Jimmy and the White Rabbit incident further. In the meantime, here are some other grammar questions, none of which have anything to do with either presidents or rabbits. Q: Yesterday in class I tole my teacher I had seen that old movie “Where the Boys Are” on TV and it was very good except that old Connie Franklins voice hurt LeGrants ears and made him run off in to the bedroom and howl and she told me my verb tents was all wrong and also I should put a separate TV in to the bedroom for LeGrant and I told her LeGrant was very good at treeing squirrels but he couldn’t work no remote and she ast was my brother in any special classes and I tole her LeGrant weren’t my brother but only my dog which is three quarters feist and half beagle and she said I should of said so to begin with and I tole her I only had the one brother which had run off with the Gypsies back in 1980 name of Durward and she– A: And your grammar question is? Q: So what is verb tents? A: Verbal agreement is essential. The five verb tents are present tents, past tents, past perfect tents, irregular dome tents, and A-frame tents. If you said you “had seen” it, then the movie you had seen should have been “Where the Boys WERE!” Q: Speaking of old pop singers, did Pat Boone use good grammar? A: He certainly did. If you don’t believe me, just listen to his moving renditions of “You Aren’t Anything But a Hound Dog” and “Whom Put the Bomp in the Bomp ba Bomp ba Bomp?” Q: Whom did? A: You are absolutely correct. Q: One of my Facebook friends who lives on a farm in Indiana said he doesn’t get much sleep at night because his goose is always honking. What should I advise him to do? A: That old phrase “my goose is honking” is a metaphor. I’d recommend a hefty dose of Pepto Bismol. Or at the very least he should avoid the pinto beans. Q: I recently received an e-mail containing several actual headlines, including the following: • Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25 • Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf • Homicide victims rarely talk to police • Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on Northwoods Public Radio There were several other interesting headlines, and at the end of the e-mail was this disclaimer: “This transmission is intended only for use by the intended recipient(s). If you are not an intended recipient you should not read, disclose, copy, circulate or in any other way use the information contained in this transmission.” Am I an intended recipient, and will you use any of these in your column? A: Yes you are intended. And assuming that your intended intent was to intentionally transmit this valuable information to me, yes, I intend to use it. Q: Last week for my English class I wrote a short story about the time me and Momma went to church and after the sermon which was about a man in the Old Testimony with a talking donkey name of Bailum we was out on the steps and old lady Conklin who everybody calls Miss Hanner all though she is been married to old man Conklin for all most forty years but anyhow she tells Momma how she is looking kindly puny and her straggly hair don’t help none and Momma could certainly use some hair spray so Momma she says at least it is her own hair and if little Miss Hanner was looking for more blue wigs like hers she ort to go worship with the Methodists or some of the other heatherns across town and by the way she wasn’t no Miss Hanner anyhow but only a near miss because Elbert Conklin had got drunk the weekend Nixon resigned and proposed and that flew all over old lady Conklin and one thing led to another and so Momma she balled up her fist and– A: I know I have to ask this same question every time I answer one of your rambling rants, but IS THERE A GRAMMAR QUESTION LOOMING ON YOUR HORIZON? Q: Yessir. My English teacher Miss Gackler she looked at the title and said it was in correct and she wouldn’t read no more until I fixed it. My title was Me and Momma goes to Church. What’s wrong with that? A: It should have been “Momma and I.” Q: It probably should of been you and Momma because I got scratched up awful bad but Momma hadn't never heard of you and your stupid newspaper columns back then and besides which she is very particular about who she goes to church with. By the way would you like to meet Momma? A: With medical costs what they are today, no thank you. If you’ve read this and still have grammar questions, don’t be discouraged. We here at Grammar Central stand ready to give each and every question the good old college try. We won’t mention the name of that good old college, but it offers a wide range of advanced degrees in such specialized fields as Pest Control, Astrology, Hair Restoration and Cat Grooming. |