By Tim Sanders

Here are some interesting news stories, every one of which is absolutely true.

1. Marijuana tied to memory problems

AP (March 16)–According to recent findings, individuals who smoke marijuana on a regular basis may find their memories growing cloudy over time.

In a study of marijuana users published Monday in the Journal of Preemptive Neurology, Bolivian researchers found that long-term users who had smoked more than 87 joints per week for at least 14 years showed significant deficits in tasks requiring memory, attention and other cognitive abilities. Among users who smoked only two joints per week for less than a month, no such problems were noted.

Dr. Norma Leigh Dents, head of the Bolivian Institute of Non-Invasive Cranial Studies, told AP Health that her study included 77.5 marijuana users aged 44 to 81 from a La Paz drug treatment center, half of whom had used the drug for 14 years or more, and two who weren’t sure.

According to Dents, "long term pot users had the greatest difficulty on tests involving remembering a series of two single-digit numbers, finding their shoes, and locating the bathroom."

When reminded by AP reporter Barbara Seville that the doctor and her colleagues had published a similar report just two years ago, Dents admitted that the earlier study had completely slipped her mind.

2. Man hits his own car then sues himself

LODI, Calif. (Thursday, March 16) - When a dump truck backed into Curtis Gokey’s car, he decided to sue the city for damages. Only thing is, he was the one driving the dump truck. But that minor detail didn’t stop Gokey, a Lodi city employee, from filing a $3,600 claim for the December accident, even after admitting the crash was his fault.

After the city denied that claim because Gokey was, in essence, suing himself, he and his wife, Rhonda, decided to file a new claim under her name.

City Attorney Steve Schwabauer said this one also lacks merit because Rhonda Gokey can’t sue her own husband.

"You can sue your spouse for divorce, but you can’t sue your spouse for negligence," Schwabauer said. "They’re a married couple under California law. They’re one entity. It’s damage to community property."

But Rhonda Gokey insisted she has "the right to sue the city because a city’s vehicle damaged my private vehicle."

In fact, her claim currently pending at Lodi City Hall, is for an even larger amount–$4,800.

"I’m not as nice as my husband is," she said.

3. Lodi dump truck suit settled

LODI, Calif. (Friday, March 17) - Updating yesterday’s story about city dump truck driver Curtis Gokey, who sued himself: Lodi officials say they believe they’ve tentatively agreed on an out-of-court settlement.

City Attorney Steve Schwabauer said this morning that while no monetary damages will be paid to Gokey or his wife, the city has agreed to fire the responsible party, Curtis Gokey.

Contacted at his home, Gokey said, "I’m just glad the whole thing is over. I feel like I’ve won a moral victory–the money didn’t really mean that much to me. I got the SOB fired, and I’m satisfied. It was the principle of the thing."

But Gokey’s legal problems are not over. Rumor has it that Rhonda Gokey will soon be suing her husband for alimony and child support.

4. Alabama’s Mad Cow case - the Cherokee County connection

CENTRE, AL. (3-17-06) - Last Friday the Post was contacted by dairy farmer Harry "Beau" Vines, of Rt. 2, Cedar Bluff. According to Vines, his prize 1,000 lb. Jersey, Tiffany, had been "acting strange for nearly a week."

Vines stated that Tiffany’s milk production had decreased from 7 gallons per day to about half a gallon, and that her butterfat content was now almost nonexistent.

"More important," Vines said, "her attitude has changed. Ever since she stepped on her own teat last week, she has showed a lot of resentment toward me. I didn’t have nothing to do with it, but now if looks could kill, I’d be a goner for sure. When I went to rub some Bag Balm on her the other night, she tried to bite me. She’s kicked over three stools, and has even instigated the other girls. Their production has fell way off, too. You talk about your mad cows–I got me a whole dairy full of them."

Vines said that his cows now spend very little time grazing and chewing their cuds, and instead huddle together in the pasture near his pond, as though plotting something.

"I went to run them back into the barn yesterday evening. I took a hickory stick with me, like I always do, and that whole bunch they all looked at me very nasty-like, and then they come galloping toward me with blood in their eyes. They run me around that pond five times, and I finally had to shin up a sweet gum tree. Them cows wore me out. They wasn’t just being obstinate, they was mad. They didn’t go up to the barn until well after 9, and then they made sure I knew it was their idea, not mine."

Vines told Post editor Scott Wright that he had contacted the FDA, the USDA, and the Alabama Cattlemen’s Association, but none of the organizations had shown any interest in him or his mad cows.

Okay, so I gilded the lily a bit. Truth is such a valuable commodity that I hate to waste it. Here's what little truth I can spare:

NUMBER 1 - Not exactly, technically true, but actually loosely based on a March 14 article by Reuters Health correspondent Amy Norton.

NUMBER 2 - Absolutely true, but stolen from an AP item in the Lodi News-Sentinel, and the AP people strictly forbid such thievery. So if anybody asks me, I’ll deny having anything to do with reprinting it.

NUMBER 3 - Not true; just wishful thinking on my part.

NUMBER 4 - I can’t help you with this one. Call Mr. Vines and check it out for yourself. His number’s in the book. Honest.