By Tim Sanders

According to Wikipedia (which allows regular people like you and me, with no expertise and very little sense, to post online encyclopedia articles), manners are "the unenforced standards of conduct which show the actor to be cultured, polite, and refined." Now I don’t know which actor that article refers to, but since I’ve never been on stage in my life, I know it’s not me.

I may not be an expert on manners and etiquette, but I still think I could write an excellent "manners" column. I think I could write a manners column because the rules of etiquette are all arbitrary. What is mannerly in Cherokee County, Alabama, for example, might well be grossly inappropriate in Papua New Guinea. For all I know, in New Guinea one of the most frequently asked etiquette questions is whether one should serve Baptists smothered in onion gravy or Presbyterians simmered in white wine sauce when the in-laws visit.

So, since manners vary from place, and since ignorance has never stopped me before, I am ready to answer your etiquette questions. If you like, you may consider me the president and CEO of The Cherokee County Mannerly Man Institute. Here are some frequently asked Cherokee County etiquette questions which I feel that I am qualified to answer, simply because I live here and have never been convicted of a felony:

Q: I am 60 years old, and have always operated under the principle that at a formal meal one should pass food to the left, not the right. My daughter, who is in her 40s but has not held her age nearly as well as I, says it is proper to pass food to the right. This is a critical issue. Where do you stand?

A: I usually stand in the hallway until my wife tells me dinner is ready, and then I gallop to the table and sit. As to passing food, my guess would be that you’d pass the potatoes to the left if somebody on your left asked for potatoes, and to the right if ... well, you know. It is never good form to toss potatoes to guests seated across from you, unless they are baked and tightly wrapped in foil. The potatoes, I mean. Now when you start the platters circulating, I don’t think left or right makes a bit of difference, as long as everybody at the table agrees to the rules beforehand. Otherwise you could have some nasty collisions. If you and your daughter get into a scuffle over which way to pass things, simply toss a coin. Try not to get it in the gravy.
 

Q: Let’s say I am walking down the sidewalk on a rainy day, step in a puddle, and splash mud all over a complete stranger who has never seen me before in his life and will probably never see me again. Let’s say he looks like the kind of person who has probably splashed mud all over several innocent people himself and not given it a second thought. Let’s say he has a really weasely look to him that reminds me of my ex-brother-in-law, who once borrowed my four-wheeler for three weeks without asking and ran all the oil out of it and let two of the tires go flat. Let’s say he notices the mud on his slacks, which are probably cheap Chinese imports anyway, and glares at me with his squinty little eyes. Should I a) ignore him, b) apologize profusely and walk on, or c) offer to pay his cleaning bill?

A: I cannot answer your question without more information. For example, is this person a feeble senior citizen who could never catch you if you were to suddenly make a break for your car? If he is a very physically fit individual with large biceps, or if you suspect that he is "packing heat," you might want to offer to pay his cleaning bill and then hand him a piece of paper with your ex-brother-in-law’s name and phone number scribbled on it.
 

Q: I am uncomfortable with e-mail etiquette. For example, am I obligated to answer everybody that e-mails me, even when they don’t write anything, but only forward something? What if the e-mail says I will get a blessing if I send it back to the person who sent it to me, and that the blessing will increase in geometric proportion to the number of people I forward the message to? Would you please reply as soon as possible? You will be richly blessed if you do. :)

A: Next question.
 

Q: All right then, Mr. Mannerly Man. Easter is coming. The next door neighbors have a ten-month-old baby. Would it be socially appropriate for me to lay an egg on their doorstep for the child?

A: Appropriate? It would be astounding. (By the way, if you can e-mail us a photo of you laying that egg, you will be richly blessed. We here at the Post will be richly blessed. And we’ll put that photo on the front page, so as to richly bless a multitude of readers.)
 

Q: A friend of mine would like to know the best way to keep track of where the police are, and are they headed in my, by which I mean his, direction?

A: That question involves scanners, not manners.

Q: What?

A: Never mind.

Q: At the table, how should I hold my fork?

A: You must ask yourself:
1. Is this a pool table or a dinner table?
2. Am I eating soup?
3. Do I suspect that somebody has been stealing food from my plate?
 

If you answered "yes" to either of the first two questions, then you can casually toss your fork under the table while nobody is looking. If, on the other hand, you answered "yes" to number three, then you should remember that fork technique is the true measure of a cultured individual. Grasp your fork firmly in your fist, much as you would grasp a rake handle, with the prongs facing down and your pinky finger raised. When the guy next to you makes a move on your tater tots, give him a sharp jab on the back of the wrist. Do not try to pin his arm to the paper plate; that would be uncouth. Simply draw a little blood, and that will be enough to teach him good manners. Believe me, he will thank you for it later.