Road Apples by Tim Sanders
March 28, 2011

No fooling

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In a few days it will be April 1, the date that kids from eight to eighty have chosen to pull mindless pranks on their friends and relatives. You know what I mean. It’s that special time when little Bobby comes running into the house to tell grandma that kitty is on fire in the backyard. “HA HA HA Grandma,” Bobby finally says after the poor old lady has worn herself out sprinting to that ball of flame under the oak tree and dousing it with the garden hose. “It’s only a ball of dryer lint and some old ear muffs. I done it my own self with this box of matches!” It is not funny at the time, and after Grandma gets her wind back she takes a hickory stick to Bobby and reforms him. Years later, of course, the whole incident is considered hilarious.

Journalists, however, do not do childish things like pretending to set cats on fire on April 1. We are mature adults, and those silly pranks are beneath us. I did, several years ago, compose a scholarly article which I attributed to a college professor with several PhD.s after her name. I think she was from Auburn, but my memory fails me on that point. What I do remember is that the article chronicled, in very serious, pseudo-scientific terms, toxicity in the water supply here in Cherokee County due to various foreign elements and harmful metal particles found in abundance in Weiss Lake. The pollution explained why crappie fishing had fallen off so dramatically hereabouts, and also warned parents and teachers in the area to be on the lookout for children with lower than expected IQ scores on standardized tests and slower reaction time in tasks requiring mental acuity. It was all in good fun, but the newspaper and certain local utility companies received phone calls from readers who’d noticed that little Jimmy and Melinda weren’t quite up to par lately, and wanted to know if a water filter would help. The fact that the article appeared in the April 1 edition hadn’t occurred to them.

Here are more April 1 news items, some of which are absolutely true:


• Tucson Template (AP) - On Monday, March 14, two illegal immigrants disguised as a popular ‘70s singing group were arrested in Nogales, Arizona by federal marshals after stopping at a checkpoint on Highway 19, a mile north of the Mexican border. Suspicions were raised by the magnetized sign “Tony Orlando Tour Bus” affixed to the side of a 1982 model Pinto station wagon. According to sheriff’s deputy Leon Stiles, who conducted the initial vehicle inspection:

“The driver was dressed in a white, rhinestone jump suit and had a thick mustache and dark hair streaked with grey. He said he was Mr. Orlando, and he did resemble the singer except for a missing front tooth. When he exited the vehicle we noticed he was wearing red and blue Nikes rather than platform shoes. His companion was wearing women’s clothing, although he was badly in need of a shave. When questioned, the passenger became belligerent and finally shouted that his name was ‘Don, as in Tony Orlando and Don!’ When neither one of them knew the lyrics to ‘’Knock Three Times,’ we called ICE agents. They made the arrest after finding four crates containing 28 contraband chickens covered with a tarpaulin in the back of the station wagon.”


• On October 14, 2010, ABC’s 20/20 carried the story of Sherron and RC Bridges of Quinlan, Texas and their house pet. Their house pet, Wildthing, is a 2100 lb. buffalo (technically an American bison). When Wildthing was abandoned by his mother, RC bottle fed the calf and it has lived with the couple for the last five years. By the way, Wildthing was the ring-bearer at RC and Sherron’s wedding. For a while, at least.


• The March 24, 2011 issue of the Toronto Sun reported that Canadian rancher Jim Sautner and his wife Linda have raised a buffalo named Bailey, who also wanders through their house at will. Bailey only weighs 1600 lbs., but Jim has still customized his sedan into a convertible so that he can take Bailey for rides to local Edmonton, Alberta bars where the bison is happy to drink beer along with the other customers. Says Linda: “He likes to cuddle.” She is apparently referring to Bailey, not Jim.


• According to a February 17, 2011 Animal Planet episode entitled “Man and Beast,” Lonnie Crookshank of Brookhaven, Mississippi shares his modest two bedroom mobile home with a 352 lb. alligator snapping turtle named Big Ed. Big Ed has access to a homemade, structurally reinforced, glass-paneled 43 gallon tank half full of water in the living room not far from the TV set, where he seems to find Wheel of Fortune soothing. On sunny days Big Ed is transported to a wading pool in the backyard. Big Ed was only the size of a quarter when Lonnie found him along a riverbank fourteen years ago, and has been Lonnie’s constant companion since. “We take walks together, and he keeps up pretty good. I use a chain clipped to a little hole I drilled in the front of his shell for a leash.” Lonnie claims that Big Ed is loving and affectionate, although he does admit to having lost part of his right index finger to the turtle three years ago during a feeding mishap. “He had always took chicken gizzards from my hand very gentle, but this one time he missed his mark and got my finger. I could tell he didn’t mean it, but he already had it in his mouth and all he knew was to swallow it, nail and all. I took him to the eye doctor who didn’t examine him very close, but said he probably missed that gizzard due to something called a stigmatism. He said he couldn’t fit him with glasses due to the fact that he didn’t have no ears to speak of.” Lonnie, or Nub, as his friends call him, now feeds his reptilian friend with a pair of fireplace tongs.


Some of these are true, and others are not. Your mission, if you accept it, will be to determine which are legitimate stories and which are not. There are no prizes, only the satisfaction of knowing this Friday that you’re nobody’s fool.