Road Apples
March 29, 2010

Dumb and dumber

By Tim Sanders

Sometimes, when you go looking for stupid things to write about, you need look no further than the news. I ran across a few recent articles which offer splendid examples of spectacular human stupidity. And having done at least a thousand fairly stupid things myself over the past few days, I think I can qualify as an expert.

You can’t make stuff like this up.


1. In a March 23, New York HDTV Channel 2 report by Pablo Guzman, we learned that ... brace yourself ... there is a town named Piscataway, New Jersey, which has a problem with pets which are not cats at all, only dogs. The town fathers have expanded an ordinance banning dogs barking at night to an around-the-clock ban. The ordinance has been explained to dog owners, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s been explained to their dogs.

2. Meanwhile, some 230 miles to the south, three men pulled up to the drive-thru window of a Charlotte, North Carolina Taco Bell and ordered food. Nothing unusual there, except that they ordered their food at gunpoint. According to a March 23 WBTV report, “the robbers were given fried apples pies and they drove away.” One would think they could have at least scored some bean burritos and tacos, and maybe even a large bucket of KFC’s best. You know, with the gun and all.

3. And speaking of stupid robberies, in a March 25 AP article, I read the fascinating story of Albert Bailey. Apparently, 27-year-old Bailey and an unidentified 16-year-old gave a lot of thought to a very sophisticated bank robbery plan. Unlike many bank robbers, they instinctively realized that wasting a lot of time hanging around the bank waiting for a teller to load up bags with money might not work out too well, so they put their heads together and, OUCH, gave themselves concussions. No, actually they devised a foolproof plan, which would eliminate the waiting problem by calling the bank ahead of time and instructing a bank employee to get a bag of money ready. Of course, something went horribly wrong, and when they showed up at the People’s United Bank parking lot in Fairfield, Connecticut some 10 minutes later, the police were already there, waiting. A photo of Mr. Bailey, accompanied the article, and he looked a bit confused. In the understatement of the year, police Sgt. James Perez told reporters that the would-be-robbers were “not too bright.”

4. And how about Nadya Suleman, LA’s “octomom.” Nadya, a single mom who only had six kids and minimal income, decided in 2008 to have in vitro fertilization, so that she could have ... duh, eight more. She had the octuplets in January 2009, and was sure she was on her way to fame and fortune. Fame, yes, but fortune, not for long.

Apparently she’s having money problems, and the mortgage holder is foreclosing on her half-million dollar home. So, according to a March 25 AP article, PETA has stepped in and made her an offer she can’t refuse. They’ve offered to reward her handsomely for the right to post a sign in her front yard, carrying a photo of a cat with nursing kittens and the words “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” They'll give her $5,000. Oh yeah, and a month’s supply of veggie burgers and veggie hot dogs, which will most certainly make all fourteen of her children run or crawl away from home after a couple of weeks.

5. There is individual stupidity, and then there’s institutional stupidity, which makes even stupid individuals like me go a little nutsy. In a recent UK My Stories Online article, I read about an incident at the Church of England Manor School in Melksham, Wiltshire. After morning playtime, a 5-year-old boy climbed a 20-ft. tree to avoid going back to his schoolroom. Now that is not particularly stupid, it is only what any rational boy in the vicinity of a tree would do when the recess bell rings.

What was stupid was that the school staff was aware of the boy, suspended several feet above the pavement, and chose to do nothing but “observe him from a distance so the child would not get distracted and fall.” For 45 minutes they observed him, until a 38-year-old lady named Kim Barrett, who was not aware of the school’s “observe little boy in tree from a distance” guidelines, helped the child get down. So the upshot of this charitable act was that the nice lady was given a gold star on her forehead and thanked profusely, right? No, what happened was that Beverley Martin, the school’s head teacher, reported her to local police for trespassing on school property. “Mrs. Martin confirmed that the school’s policy prevents staff going to the aid of children who have climbed trees." She added: “The safety of our pupils is our priority and we would like to make it clear that this child was being observed at all times during this very short incident.” I suppose it’s encouraging to remember that if the little guy had fallen out of that tree, at least some school official with binoculars would have “observed” him hit the pavement.

6. Lastly, there’s the saga of Norwood Smith Burnes, just a regular kind of guy from Rome, Georgia. Police answered a call from the Walmart store in Calhoun, Georgia. According to the Rome News-Tribune: “Police officers arrived to find Burnes wearing a dark woman’s suit, including a short skirt and jacket, black leather coat, black high heels, red nail polish, green eye shadow and women’s jewelry. According to [a] witness, Burnes had been in the women’s section of the store with his skirt ‘kicked up showing his white girdle and dark thong underwear.’”

There’s more, including a police photo showing a balding guy with shoulder-length hair, a day’s growth of chin whiskers, and some really bad eyeliner. Try not to think about it.


Oh sure, we all do stupid things, but you gotta admire those folks who, day after day, year in and year out, turn stupidity into an art form.