By Tim Sanders

One nice thing about writing a humor column is that when your cat has fallen from your 50 ft. pine tree, Grandma is on the roof, and not one single funny thing has happened to you in the last week, you can still find plenty of quality material by reading news from around this great but increasingly absurd nation of ours.

Consider, if you will, the following article about imported sewage (no, I’m not talking about Howard Stern’s new satellite radio show).

From the March 28 edition of IOL South African News (where America goes for vital information about such distant and primitive places as Zimpopo, Mpumalanga, Botswana, Fort Lauderdale and the Florida Keys):

Village faced with embarrassing sewage problem

A Florida village may have to import human waste to test its new sewage plant.

Islamorada’s first municipal sewage treatment works is due to go live in May, reports the Keynoter.

But not enough residents’ homes are connected to the system to test it properly.

"It’s a brand new plant," Councilman Chris Sante said. "When it first gets on line is the hardest time because there’s no flow."

In a worst case scenario, he cautioned, Islamarada could wind up paying to import sewage so operators can get the plant up and working.

Sante called for incentives to encourage residents to complete the hookup "so we don’t have to buy sewage."

"To have to obtain sewage seems embarrassing," he said.

I’m sure that there are some readers out there who see not a bit of humor in that little news item, and others who think Islamorada must be where all the mullahs go for beer, broads and light tackle reef fishing. Still others–kinder, more sensitive souls–may already be looking for a sturdy shoe box in which they can place their donation to those poor sewage-challenged folks in the Florida Keys. Maybe it’s just me who finds the situation funny, and uniquely American.

Here are some other, non-sewage-related things on which we Americans are happy to waste our time and money ... on:

1. Purchasing bottled water is silly. Okay, so I’m a relic of a bygone era, but buying bottled water ranks right up there with buying bottled hot air. (Yeah, I’m way ahead of you with the snide "buying hot air" comments. May I remind you that this column and this paper are both free.)

2. Eating California rolls and sushi might be an indication of just how far down the fatal footpath of foolishness our culture has tumbled. Kelp and raw carp by any other name are still kelp and raw carp. Get a grip. Go grab a burger, for Pete’s sake. And I don’t mean a raw burger with a silage roll on the side, either.

3. The Bodyblade is selling like hot cakes, according to the Bodyblade people. Their ads claim you can "unleash the power of your core" with one of these fine, expertly crafted, 4 ft. long sticks. I do not even know what my "core" is, or where it is located. I do know that the stick costs $159.95, and stickwise, it is the "most efficient core power training tool ever designed!" It comes in a variety of colors, and has an accompanying video to tell you how to use your very own, personal stick. These core power training tools from Hymanson Inc. are apparently the best thing since the popular Popiel Ab Anvil and the famed Hefty "Bag O’Dirt" combination Fitness Ball and Topsoil Spreader.

4. Paul McCartney’s left shoe is currently for sale on eBay. The last time I checked, the price was up to $256.99. There is a photo of this platform shoe, and even for a platform shoe it is ugly. As the seller says, "This shoe worn by Paul McCartney in the early 1970s is three tone leather (black, gray, & red). Toe has a red star with gray arrows emanating from the star. Shoe has a 3" heel & a 1" sole. It was made by ‘DERBEI’ of Italy."

There is only one shoe for sale–perhaps the right shoe was stolen and is being held for ransom. By the time this item sells, it will fetch way more than your regular, run-of-the-mill left shoe, and much more than $256.99. Some lucky one-legged bidder with an extremely low IQ will be able to hop around the living room in McCartney’s left shoe and impress his dinner guests. Who knows, if he watches his eBay site carefully, he may be able to purchase one of Peter Falk’s old glass eyes, and top off his ensemble with a genuine Liberace hairpiece.

5. How many times have you watched a TV special, after which the announcer tells you that you can purchase a video of the program you’ve just watched for $29.95 plus shipping and handling. If you are anything like me (and even if you aren’t), it must have occurred to you just how stupid that would be. Only in America would some goober with his very own VCR and TV guide decide not to make himself a free copy of the program, but instead to send thirty bucks to somebody else to do it for him.

6. And speaking of TV shows, which many Americans spend valuable time watching, I used to think that televised golf was the nearest thing in the world to watching snail races on the Animal Planet channel. Now there’s televised poker. I can stand playing a few hands of poker, but watching somebody else play poker is like watching those snails sitting around a table plotting their strategy for the upcoming race.

"What ... you ... got ... under ... that ... shell, ... Cal? Think ... you ... can ... beat ... me ... in ... the ... quarter ... mil ... li ... meter ... speed ... trials?"

"It ... will ... cost ... you ... a ... pint ... of ... slime ... to ... find ... out, ... Ned."
 

"I ... I ... I ... fold."

"Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z"

So if you have either time or money to waste, or waste to waste, for that matter, instead of flushing send a good, healthy donation to the Islamorada Municipal Sewage Treatment Plant in the upper Florida Keys. If you’re watching a televised poker tournament, you don’t have to wait for a commercial break to make your donation. You won’t miss anything.