Road Apples
April 6, 2009


Please forward this to seven very special people

By Tim Sanders

If you need any proof that men and women are different, not only physically but also emotionally, just read your email. Here’s a typical female-type email. I’m sure you’ll recognize the style:


From: Kathleen
Subject: This is SOOOOOOOOOOO HEARTWARMING!!!!
To: You (plus dozens of other recipients)

THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!

A baby boy was born in Jaipur, Rajashan in the spring of 1919. His mother was one of the Jat inhabitants of that region of India, and his father was a traveling haberdasher from Newark, New Jersey. The boy’s mother named him Oojam Omprakash, which is Sanskrit for "joyous one with lotus blossom in nostril." Little Oojam Omprakash Greenberg’s father was killed a year later in the Jaipur goat and lentil riots, and the boy grew up in poverty.

When he was nine, Oojam was playing outside during a thunderstorm when a lightning bolt struck a power pole and sent an oil-cooled, single-phase, steel transformer hurtling earthward. The poor boy’s skull was fractured, and his spine was severely injured. Neighbors who came to help were reticent to pull him away from the bare wires, so he lay in a puddle with thousands of volts of electricity coursing through his helpless body for nearly twenty minutes until someone finally found a large forked stick and pushed him to safety. Six months later Oojam could still only say four-and-a-half words: "OH, SEE THE PRETTY COLO–." Even worse, he could not walk at all.

It was then that Oojam’s mother loaded him into her little makeshift wheelbarrow and took him to a neighbor, who called seven other townspeople together and told them to hold hands, gaze upon Oojam, and repeat his name. There was no medical treatment, only the sincere emotional support and thoughts of those who cared for him, but in a few days Oojam was repeating entire sentences, and in a week he was walking.

But the story doesn’t end here. You may not remember his name, but in the 1936 Olympic games in Berlin, Oojam Omprakash Greenberg competed as a member of India’s fledgling Olympic track and field team. After recovering from his childhood accident, Oojam found that he could not only walk, but in fact could run like the wind. Especially when he heard a loud noise, like for instance a thunderclap. Or a starter pistol.

Oojam’s event was the 400 meter hurdles, and out of the blocks he shot like an arrow, clearing nine of the hurdles far ahead of his nearest competitor. He had but one more hurdle to clear, and then that final 40 meters to victory. Unfortunately on the tenth hurdle he snagged his sandal, and although the hurdle remained upright, the jolt sent his turban down over his eyes, and he sprinted across the track directly into the stands, where four German spectators helped him dislodge his turban. By then, of course, the race was over and Oojam was out of contention.

While this might well have discouraged a lesser man, young Oojam took pride in his effort, and often spoke of meeting Jesse Owens and catching a glimpse of either Adolph Hitler or Charlie Chaplin, he wasn’t sure which, in the stands. He became a well-known dentist in Calcutta, and is now 90 years old, and lives with a small herd of Brahman cattle and fourteen house cats just south of Mumbai.

Neighbors say that although Oojam’s lightning accident occurred over eighty years ago, and although his body still carries enough current to power a small 150,000 rpm dental drill and a 10-volt dental light simultaneously, he knows that he owes his success, in both track and field and dentistry, to the power of applied human thought, not to any electrical advantages he might possess. Applied thoughtitude!

I sent this to you because you are so very special to me. If you wept when you read this as I did, then send it to seven other very special people. Within a week, with all of those minds thinking about you in unison, something wonderful will happen to you. And PLEEEEASE, if you care for me, send this back to me.


Only a female could have sent this email, because:


1. The message clearly states it is from Kathleen.

2. And the phrase "SOOOOOOO HEARTWARMING!!!!" Men never use the word "heartwarming." (They also never use "moving experience," except when referring to furniture and rental trucks.)

3. Phrases followed by a multiplicity of exclamation points are what gynecologists call "estrogen-rich."

4. Men are not usually inspired by emotional email, although I once received an inspirational forwarded photo of a group of Hooters girls at a biker benefit which I appreciated. The photo, I mean.

5. Men do not for the life of them understand the need to send an email back to the person who just sent it to them. Women, on the other hand, think this is perfectly rational.


Imagine a man sending another man an email using the popular female format:


From: DeWayne
Subject: Hurts SOOOOOOO bad!
To: Earl

Earl, DeWayne here. Got a Vast Ectomy on Tuesday. Charlene said I needed one. The swelling is down now, but they is still black and blue. Still using the ice pack. Tomorrow will try wearing pants again. Charlene insists. If Carol tries to talk you into it, make an excuse.

If you care for me, please send this to seven special people, and also send it back to me. You know, so I will know that you know that I know how much you care for me and them others, too. By which I mean only as a friend, not in a nasty way. If you don’t, something bad will happen to somebody.

P.S. Do not send this to Larry, as he already had one so it wouldn’t do him no good.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot ... !!!!


As you can see, men are genetically incapable of forwarding emotionally charged email without sounding really foolish. It’s probably just as well.