Road Apples by Tim Sanders
April 9, 2012
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To sleep, perchance to yelp A few nights ago as Marilyn and I lay in bed, discussing whether I could possibly trim my nose hairs a little more closely (she initiated that discussion), we heard Maggie yelp. Maggie is our dachshund, and she sleeps in her little doggie bed near our own bed. “She’s having a bed dream,” Marilyn said. I agreed, but later, after we’d resolved the nose hair issue in Marilyn’s favor, I wondered if being an expert on husbands’ nose hair length also made one an expert on what dogs are dreaming about. I accepted the theory that it was probably a dream, not a flea, that prompted that yelp, simply because Maggie doesn’t have fleas. She is very careful about her personal hygiene. But how could anyone determine that the dream in question was a “bad” dream? I asked myself that because Maggie has a yelp which can mean a whole variety of things in a whole variety of situations. • MAILMAN YELP: When the mailman, the very same mailman who has delivered our mail every weekday at approximately the same time for her entire life, makes his daily appointed rounds, she says “YELP!” and then proceeds to bark strenuously for several minutes after he’s gone. That yelp is part of a common canine reaction to the U.S. Postal Service. There is no reason for it, but it always occurs, and sounds exactly like Maggie’s - • YELP OF PAIN: This yelp, identical in every way to her mailman yelp, is emitted when she steps on an exceptionally sharp blade of grass while sniffing the yard, searching for just the right place to poop. Sometimes this procedure takes quite a long time, and is marked by several false stops, careful reconsideration, and new searches. • YELP OF JOY: Sometimes this yelp occurs when she finds a dead worm in the yard. Dead worms are held in high regard by Maggie, because of their exquisite smell and the fact that they will hold perfectly still while she rolls on them. Since we take her out on a leash due to back problems (hers), we usually catch her as she tilts her head sideways before initiating her dead worm roll. This sometimes produces the common canine - • YELP OF FRUSTRATION: This, surprisingly, sounds exactly like the - • YELP OF RECOGNITION: If Marilyn has been grocery shopping, as she pulls into the driveway, Maggie’s keen canine instincts react immediately and she recognizes several things, almost simultaneously: 1. It is a car. 2. It sounds vaguely familiar. 3. It’s Mommy’s car, and finally, as the door opens: 4. It’s MOMMY! All of this deep mental calculation takes only a few seconds, and is followed by that same, familiar yelp, which is in turn always followed by wild barking and tail wagging and much hopping about. By Maggie, not me, necessarily. It has been nearly two hours since she’s seen Mommy, after all. • YELP OF FEAR: This yelp sounds like all the others. It can be precipitated by several things, such as: 1. Thunder. Maggie is apparently under the impression that God is firing off all of his ammunition at once during a thunderstorm, and that it is all aimed at her. She always chooses to be around her “people,” in close proximity to their legs, when God fires his second round. She spends a lot of time under my desk, crowding my feet when these storms occur. Her reasoning is, I believe, that if God wants to smite her, he’ll have to smite Daddy first. 2. Helicopters. She has heard these flying behemoths land, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, at the old airport behind the house and watched them disgorge several humans that they’d tried to eat. If God sends thunder, then obviously Satan sends helicopters. Again, she usually seeks shelter underfoot. If that thing is after another meal, it will have to eat Mommy or Daddy to get to her. 3. Vacuum cleaners. Ours is an upright model, and is kept in the spare bedroom, guarding the closet. We keep the door to the bedroom shut, because every time Maggie spots that Darth Vader look alike, she yelps and then goes into her mandatory maniacal barking mode. • YELP OF THE LONESOME WOLF: Two or three times a week Maggie is struck by the urge to howl. When this happens, she finds Marilyn, whose voice is much better in a duet, and yelps at her. Soon they are howling together in perfect harmony, more or less. Maggie has other yelps, including her “Oh look, a man on a horse” yelp, her “Oh look, a boy on a bicycle” yelp, and of course her “Oh look, a dog leaving a personal message on the fence” yelp. All of these are accompanied by vociferous barking and much tail wagging. The only yelp Maggie has which is clearly different from all the others is her “Oh look, an evil cat on the deck” yelp, which is much louder, and followed by serious growling and barking. There is no tail wagging with the evil cat yelp. Her tail is always tucked up under her, to protect her vital rectal area, and her hackles are always at full alert. So while Marilyn may be absolutely right about Maggie having dreams, she obviously has no way of knowing whether those dreams are good, bad, or indifferent. Yes, Maggie’s yelp may indeed indicate a really bad dream about a disgruntled postal employee with a huge rotor THWAP, THWAP, THWAPPING on his back, riding that horrible upright vacuum cleaner around the house during a thunderstorm. Then again, it may just be a happy yelp about Mommy returning from the grocery store with a trailer full of bacon strips for Maggie and a bucket of fragrant, dead worms for her to roll on. And no leash. Oh joy. |