Road Apples
April 13, 2009


April 15: When worlds collide!

By Tim Sanders

This is the week of April 12-18, and not surprisingly, this year April 15 still falls right smack dab in the middle of the aforementioned two dates. I say "still," because, since April 15 has traditionally been income tax day, I am confident that the Obama administration will soon sign an executive order moving April 15 back to the middle of January for those making over an as yet undisclosed amount, and move it forward to the middle of October for those making under an as yet undisclosed amount. Except, of course, for all future cabinet appointees, for whom April 15 will be done away with, and replaced with an as yet undisclosed date of their choice. (Both Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack and Energy Secretary Steven Chu have already voiced support for February 2, pointing to a recent congressional study which indicates that "Two Groundhog Days per year would significantly improve weather prediction, which would in turn have a salutary effect on corn production for ethanol, which would promote more fuel efficient vehicles, which would be a great source of sustainable income for our sole remaining American auto maker, Fiat. Nonetheless, inasmuch, whereas, blah, blah, blah.")

But that is not all. April 15 is also known as the date the Titanic sank in the frigid waters of the North Atlantic after striking an iceberg which had floated southward due to global warming. In 1912 the Titanic, as you already know, was the world’s largest passenger ship. It was considered "unsinkable" right up until the very moment it "sank." And of course you also know the story, passed down from generation to generation, told over and over again, of how Kate Winslet sadly watched from her lifeboat that early April morning as a heroic Leonardo DiCaprio stood athwart the great ship’s bow as the band played that haunting Celine Dion song, "O Canada." Down the Titanic went, with Celine wailing and Leonardo standing there, athwart, pondering the meaning of life, and also the meaning of "athwart."

So, you say, April 15 is both Income Tax Day and Titanic Day, so what? Well, as a trained journalist I am here to tell you that there are no coincidences.

Here are some other important historical events, each and every one of which occurred on April 15. As you read them, I’m sure you will notice a pattern:


April 15, 1865 - Lincoln was shot by Booth

April 15, 1877 - The first telephone line was installed in Boston, Massachusetts. Shortly thereafter the Telephone Booth was patented. Coincidence? We think not.

April 15, 1892 - The General Electric Company was incorporated in New York.

April 15, 1893 - New York experienced its first city-wide power outage.

April 15, 1900 - An early 50 mile race was won by an electric car. The race took eighteen hours.

April 15, 1901 - The first British motorized burial occurred. We have no earthly idea whether automobiles were involved in the procession, or if some sort of an electric motor was used to lower the casket.

April 15, 1910 - William Howard Taft became the first president to throw out a baseball at a professional ball game. Later the 300 lb. Taft became the first president to get stuck in the White House bathtub. He was extracted from the tub by three plumbers and Secretary of State Philander C. Knox.

April 15, 1931 - The first walk across America backwards began. It sounds subversive to us.

April 15, 1952 - The Franklin National Bank issued the first bank credit card. Several of those very first customers are still paying for their initial credit card purchases.

April 15, 1957 - Congress gave the U.S. Post Office $41 million, restoring Saturday mail delivery. Coincidentally, on April 15, 2008, Lawrence Bohack of Brazelton, Iowa, finally received a letter postmarked April 15, 1958. It was from the Franklin National Bank, offering him a credit card.

April 15, 1959 - Cuban dictator Fidel Castro began his U.S. goodwill tour. During the tour he purchased formal camouflage attire from Goodwill Industries in New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

April 15, 1962 - The U.S. national debt crept above $300 billion. To celebrate, congressmen in both houses voted themselves substantial raises.

April 15, 1975 - This date marked the very first appearance of the San Diego Chicken.

April 15, 1990 - Barney Frank. Okay, so we don’t have anything specific here, but given his track record, we’re confident that on this date something either "widiculous, wepwehensible, or weally wegwettable" happened to the congressman. It pwobably involved a wabbit. Or at the very least a wascally woommate and a male pwostitute.

April 15, 1992 - William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy were inducted into the National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame. That should send chills up your spine. On that very same day evil billionaire Leona Helmsley was sent to prison for tax evasion. Needless to say, she was not a cabinet member.


All you have to do is connect the dots. First came John Wilkes Booth, followed by Massachusetts telephone booths and Barney Frank. Add General Electric, power outages, electric cars, and motorized funerals. Not enough, then how about Taft in a bathtub, backwards walks across America, credit cards and junk mail? It only follows that Fidel Castro would be implicated as the national debt soared, with the San Diego Chicken rearing its ugly head to distract the average citizen from the real April 15 threat. And all of this, including Shatner, Nimoy and Helmsley, is only the tip of the April 15 iceberg.

Which brings us back to Titanic Day and Income Tax Day. A country with too many taxes and too few taxpayers is like a sinking ship with too many passengers and too few lifeboats. Trust me, there is more to this April 15 stuff than meets the eye.

I could say more, but I don’t want to be audited.