Road Apples
April 14, 2008

Ask Mr. Mannerly Man, installment No. 83

By Tim Sanders

It is time for another exciting installment of Ask Mr. Mannerly Man, which due to popular demand has been installed this week with a mute button. We must mention, modestly of course, that all three remaining major presidential candidates have contacted us here at the Mannerly Man Institute for help in drafting appropriate apologies for a) offensive things they may or may not have said in the past, b) friendships with lobbyists, lunatics, and felons they may have had in the past, and c) lies they may have inadvertently uttered in defense of a) and b). So far, we’ve supplied the three campaigns with 46 "misspokens," 53 "mischaracterizations," and 198 "move ons." None of the campaigns has paid us yet, but we are not worried, because we have faith in our elected officials. If you can’t trust three United States Senators, just who can you trust?

... Okay, you’ve given that enough thought. Let’s move on.

I feel it is incumbent upon us to proceed without further adieu and answer the many etiquette questions we would receive here at the Institute on a regular basis if we only had a telephone or a mailbox.


Q: When you say "incumbent upon us," given the fact that George W. Bush is the incumbent, isn’t that an inappropriate remark?

A: No, you mischaracterized my statement. Or perhaps I misspoke. Or hey, how about if we just move on, huh? (To our knowledge–and we want to make this perfectly clear–we have never actually had an incumbent upon us. We would have noticed.)


Q: Didn’t you mean "ado," not "adieu."

A: This is a column on manners and etiquette, and we feel it doesn’t hurt to use the sophisticated French spelling whenever we can. It adds a certain amount of style. You know, salve warfare.


Q: "Salve warfare?" Mr. Mannerly Man, do you understand French at all?

A: Uh ... we.


Q: All right then, do "we" understand French at all?

A: You betcha. "We" is French for "yes."

Q: I am always confused about just how much to tip when I dine at one of our finer restaurants. Can you help me?

A: The word "TIP" is an acronym for the old phrase "To Insure something or other beginning with a P." Mr. Mannerly Man advises you to tip whatever you think is appropriate, depending on the quality of service you’ve received. If, for example, your food handler has his cap on straight, and remembers to ask you if you want fries with your order, then there’s certainly nothing wrong with giving him a dime. At your more prestigious eateries, where your waiter or waitress has the added burden of navigating to your vehicle on roller skates, a whole quarter is not out of line.


Q: My sister Erma persecuted me when I was a child. I won’t go into details, but you need to know she used Brillo pads and turpentine, and I still flinch when she comes to visit. Anyhow, she goes through husbands like a thresher. Her first husband Eddie was a good man and she run over him with the John Deere. Her second one, Harvey, wasn’t much, but he still didn’t deserve to fall off that fishing boat with the anchor rope wrapped around his ankle. The third one, I forget his name, come to a bad end while they was skeet shooting. She said he run out in front of her to fetch his hat which somebody accidentally threw, and she thought he was a clay disk. Number four, was taken from her by a plate of bad clams, and number five he got trampled to death while they was line dancing. The point is, she has a real estate salesman named Leo on the hook now, and I think I ought to do something before she has the chance to bury number six.

My question is, when they have the church wedding (she always has church weddings) and the preacher says the part about if anyone can show just cause why them two ought not to be awfully joined then he had better speak up now or forever hold his piece, going once, going twice, and so on, should I raise my hand, stand up, or just kind of slip up beside Rev. Birdwell and hand him a note? Which is proper?

A: While any of those alternatives would be appropriate under normal circumstances, you must remember who you are dealing with. Given your description of your sister, and given the fact that Brillo pads and turpentine are still available at local department stores, Mr. Mannerly Man would advise you to make an anonymous phone call to Leo before the nuptials, while he still has a chance to disentangle himself from Erma. Disguise your voice, and do not give your name.

Q: I was at my cousin Kyle’s funeral last week, and enjoyed most of it. But Jack Leppler he sung the special music, which was "Come Thou Fountain Never a Blessing," and when he come to that line which says "Here I raise mine Ebenezer," I swear I seen Kyle move. He didn’t raise his Ebenezer, but his finger twitched and his right eyebrow come up. I was in the second row, and could see him real good. I told Momma, and she told me to hush, so I didn’t say nothing else. Should I have mentioned it to one of the undertakers, so they could of rechecked him, or should I have checked him myself, with one of Momma’s hat pins? What if it happens again at some other funeral?


A: It’s better not to say anything. Mr. Mannerly Man feels that at funerals, children should be seen and not heard.


Q: Children? I’m 47!

A: Well then, the next time you notice activity in the coffin, Mr. Mannerly Man would advise you to voice your concerns, ever so discreetly, to the next of kin as soon as the festivities are over.


Q: Last week Meemaw she got excited when she seen that huge lobster in the fish tank at the seafood restaurant and when she stood up on tiptoe and looked in and said, "Oh, would you look at that–" her dentures fell into the tank. It took us an hour-and-a-half to fetch them out using a coat hanger a waiter brung us from the kitchen. I’m sure you’ve run into this before, Mr. Mannerly Man. How would you handle it?

A: To save time, find a small child, tell him he’ll get a nice prize if he can grab the pretty dentures, and lower him into the tank headfirst.


If you have any questions about etiquette, or about any other French words, please write them down. When we get our phone reconnected, you may want to give us a call. Goodbye for now.

By which we mean ah reservoir.