By Tim Sanders

It’s been almost a year since Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger rearranged his face in a motorcycle accident. In a June, 2006 Post editorial, Scott Wright railed against the idiocy of motorcycling without a helmet. I wasn’t surprised -- Scott writes most of his editorials without a helmet. That is all right, I suppose. But being a cautious man, I always wear a helmet when I write my columns.

I do not, however, wear a helmet while riding a motorcycle anymore. That is because I don’t ride a motorcycle anymore. I sold my last motorcycle a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve since promised my wife I’d never get another one. Oh sure, I’ve made that promise several times before, but those promises were only practice promises. I wanted to make sure that someday, when I finally really, really meant it, I could say it with a straight face. I am sincere this time, because I am older and wiser now, and more safety conscious. And I am particularly worried that were I to continue riding, at some point I might hit a bathtub.

The following article appeared in the April 9, 2007 New Orleans Times Picayune (Motto: If you must Picayune, pic ourn):

Tumbling tub hurts motorcyclist

A Robert man was seriously injured Saturday afternoon when a bathtub fell from a pickup truck and collided with the motorcycle he was riding, State Police said.

Charles S. Warren, 72, was riding a Honda motorcycle west on Interstate 12 about 1:50 p.m. when a large box containing the bathtub fell from the truck, which also was going west.

The 2006 Dodge, driven by Shain Autumn, 32, of Springfield, was traveling in the right lane when the box came out of the truck, Trooper Louis Calato said. The tub slid into the left lane where Warren’s motorcycle hit it.

Warren was knocked off the motorcycle and wound up in the left lane, while the tub and motorcycle wound up on the highway median, Calato said. He was transported by Acadian Ambulance to St. Tammany Parish Hospital, where he was being treated for severe injuries ...

Perhaps there was nothing poor Mr. Warren could’ve done to avoid that accident. Maybe there was simply a bathtub out there with his name on it. Knowing full well just how dangerous unmanned freeway bathtubs can be, I plan to avoid even the possibility of such a tragedy by keeping four wheels under me at all times. Oh, all right, maybe not while watching TV or sitting on the commode, but certainly while driving down the highway.

For those of you who still ride, I will offer the benefit of my years of cycling experience.

1. BATHTUBS - Yes, there may be one out there with your name on it. But to improve your odds, try not to follow too closely behind a pickup truck filled with bathtubs. The same would probably apply to trucks filled with washing machines, refrigerators, or watermelons.

2. HELMETS - An excellent idea. I believe everybody, including football players, skydivers, dental hygienists, and Britney Spears should wear one. And they should leave them on when they climb onto their motorcycles, too.
 

3. CLOTHING - I recommend it. There is nothing impressive about a naked motorcyclist. I did run across a website called "Ride Free, Ride Nude", posted by somebody who calls himself "The Naked Man," but most of the people I saw in those photos were not riding at all, only standing around looking rather uncomfortable. One of the ladies appeared to weigh about 300 pounds, and I think if she were to actually ride a motorcycle dressed, or undressed, like that, she’d encounter some serious chafing problems by the time she made it to the doughnut shop. And we won’t even mention the bugs.
 

4. RIDING IN LARGE GROUPS - There are advantages to riding with several other bikers. For one thing, elderly motorists who may not see just one motorcycle can often detect the sounds of sixty or seventy. Sometimes their seeing-eye Chihuahuas will bark to warn them not to switch lanes abruptly. There are other advantages, which I cannot remember just now.

I seldom rode with large groups. Guys who ride together often tend to show off for each other, and do really stupid things they would never do when riding alone. You know, things like "Look Carl, no hands!"

5. ON THE OTHER HAND - About thirty years ago, when I had the all the common sense of a housefly, I did get a friend to tow my Honda 450, with me sitting precariously on the seat, clutching my handlebars as if my life depended on it. Which it did. He towed me, using fifteen feet of rope, with one end tied to the rear bumper of his Datsun and the other to my front forks. The trip down the expressway into Chattanooga at speeds much higher than I’d intended did not do me any physical damage, but I still carry the emotional scars. I mention it now only to show that while large groups can offer moral support, a single, dedicated motorcyclist can come up with his own really stupid stunts if he applies himself.

6. DOGS - If you are riding your Suzuki down a gravel road, and see what at a distance appears to be a quarter horse, or possibly even half a horse, standing in a driveway, don’t be concerned. It is probably only a playful Doberman Pinscher. Just remember not to bark at the Doberman for fun. He will interpret your barking as a signal that it is time for the games to begin, and large dogs have a real advantage over motorcycles, especially on gravel roads.

7. KICKSTANDS AND NEUTRAL LIGHTS - There is nothing more important to a motorcyclist that his kickstand and his neutral light. Leaning a 650 lb. motorcycle against a tree is a dumb idea. Leaning it on a kickstand you’ve forgotten to snap down is even dumber.

Sometimes people who talk you into letting them ride your bike because they know all about that particular model will park the machine and not leave it in neutral. This means that later, when you hit the starter button without checking the neutral light, it will go "ROWWP, ROOWP, ROOWP" and lurch forward. Results of this experiment will vary, depending upon your proximity to either rose bushes, plate glass windows, or ... well, bathtubs.

I hope this has been helpful. I must stop now, this helmet is making me itch.