Road Apples by Tim Sanders
April 18, 2011
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Alabamer Grammar, more or less Often, in response to one of our highly educational Alabamer Grammar columns, we have been asked the following question by concerned readers: “Why don’t you go out and find honest work somewhere?” It is a mean-spirited question, and we (my tapeworms and I) always ignore it and instead stress the importance of good grammar in our everyday lives. Let’s say, for example, that you were to slink sullenly into the personnel office of a major corporation and introduce yourself this way: “I are looking for a job because irregardless of that flower pot accident when I was three I are a hard worker and also ain’t never been arrested for no serious crimes except maybe once, I forget when.” That grammatically incorrect statement would guarantee that a) you would not be hired and b) the personnel manager would immediately call the security guard. If instead you were to stride proudly into that same personnel office and announce: “I are looking for a job because irregarldess of my head injury and all them sparkly lights and the arrests, my Uncle Leo still is your Senior Vice President in Charge of Human Resources,” the personnel manager would hire you on the spot. And you would owe it all to good grammar. Here are some other practical answers to common grammar questions: Q: Why do some people say “I stand corrected?” A: They’ve probably just purchased an expensive pair of orthopedic shoes. Q: I read a headline that said “Actor Charlie Sheen is much better after falling down a flight of stairs.” Does that sound right to you? A: Probably. But we do not subscribe to the popular theory that what would really fix him up would be an empty elevator shaft. Q: I told Lorraine we ort to send Prince William and Kate a waffle iron for their wedding. Lorraine she said I could send them a black Angus steer and a propane barbecue grill for all she cared, as long as I left her alone. But I couldn’t find no address for Buckinghorse Palace, and the Internet don’t have no listing for nobody name of Prince William of Whales, which is his real last name, so I told her to look up the address of that West Minister who is going to preach the service and she said I was a fool because it wasn’t no minister at all, but only somebody called the Arts Bishop of Cranberries. So instead of the waffle iron I decided to just send a taste full card, which if it was to get lost in the mail wouldn’t involve no heavy expenditures on our part. Here is what I wrote: “Dear Prince and Mrs. Whales, Sorry we couldn’t make it to the wedding, but Lorraine she says we would have to get past ports, which we can’t at this late date. She says the church where you are getting married is very old. I hope they have central air. If they don’t, you could have them rent some window units for the ceremony and then take them back afterward. If you aren’t settled on a place for the honeymoon yet, keep Gatlinburg in mind. Lorraine and me we took our honeymoon there, and they have cabins which are very reasonable. And not that its any of my business, but if you and the Mrs. was to spring for some Boone’s Farm Apple Wine it would help you take the edge off and get things started, if you get my drift. We got us two bottles. Maybe you won’t need but one. We’re hopping anyway. Sincerely, Arvis and Lorraine Deets” Lorraine she said I wrote way too much. Which part do you think I should leave out? A: Everything after “Dear Prince and Mrs. Whales.” On second thought, you might want to leave the “we’re hopping” part in. We here at the Institute enjoyed the imagery. Q: When Francine sees a photo she likes posted on Facebook, she says the photo is “sooooo” cute, with five “o”s. Her sister Nadine says “sooo” cute, with only three “o”s. Which is correct? A: Neither. The Oxford Encyclopedia of Irritating Facebook Responses advises: “Puppies and children all require at least seven “o”s, and the entire word should be capitalized to show that this time you really, really mean it; as in “That baby is SOOOOOOO cute, whereas his mother is only so-so.” Q: Mrs. Fassner gave us a quiz, and one of the questions was “Complete the following aphorism: There’s no fool like ___________.” I wrote “my Uncle Ernie.” She marked it wrong and I told her no it wasn’t wrong because there wasn’t no fool like my Uncle Ernie and she said the correct answer was “an old fool” and I said everybody in the family knew Uncle Ernie was an old fool because he was already 63 and I didn’t know what an aphorism was, but Uncle Ernie was probably one of them too. So when she asked why he was such a fool I told her because he had a huge sign in front of his house that said “BEWARE OF BAD DOG WHO HATES CATS.” He ain’t even got a dog, but he put that sign out to warn off two neighborhood Siamese cats which kept sneaking over at night and eating Melissa’s food. Melissa is his tabby cat, and she is nineteen years old and very slow and afraid to fight anymore. So I told him his sign was stupid because Siamese cats couldn’t read English signs no matter how big the letters was. But even after I explained it to Mrs. Fassner she still marked my answer wrong. So when I went home I asked Momma what was an aphorism and she said they was the organisms that hatched out into aphids which was little bugs that got into her roses and she had to spray them with hydrogen peroxide 35 percent which killed them off but also bleached all her red roses white. A: And I’ll bet your Uncle Ernie is your Momma’s brother, right? Q: How did you know? A: Just a wild guess. By the way, did that long story of yours include a question? Q: I forget. A: It’s probably just as well. |