By Tim Sanders

Q: Every time I go outside, start up my riding mower, and engage the blades, I break a belt. What should I do?

A: First of all, make sure there are no holes in your underwear. You might also want to try losing a little weight, or if you can't, at least purchase a pair of sturdy suspenders.

Q: Have you ever been tempted to run over a cat on a riding mower?

A: No. I’ve never even seen a cat on a riding mower. I did hear of a possum on a riding mower, once, but that was probably just another one of those apocryphal Nashville stories.

Q: That is not what I meant. My wife’s tomcat, Earl, loves to stroll in front of my John Deere when I’m mowing, forcing me to stop, get off, and chase him over the fence with a stick. What would happen if I simply gave it some gas and called his bluff?

A: It would not be productive. Cats are not logical creatures, and nothing gums up the blades of a riding mower like cat parts.

Q: Some people mow their lawns in strips, riding back and forth, back and forth. Others block off their lawns in large rectangular plots and proceed from one to the next, and still others circle the perimeter of their lawns, describing smaller and smaller concentric circles until they finally wind up in the middle. What system do you use?

A: I like to cut designs into the lawn; sort of a crop circle thing. Since we live near the airport, late last summer, just before football season, I tried cutting "WAR EAGLE" into the back yard. I thought it would look impressive from the air. But it was very time consuming, and both the mower and I ran out of gas after "WAR E." I’d planned on mowing "AU" this year, but my wife is against it on aesthetic grounds.

Q: Whenever I get off my riding mower, the engine stops. Why is that, and how can I fix it?

A: As a safety requirement established by the Federal Department of Lawn Tractor Safety for Really Stupid People, leaving your seat activates a kill switch that shuts your engine down. This law was enacted to protect consumers who often lost body parts by sticking either their arms, their legs, or their heads under their lawn mower decks to ascertain if the blades were engaged. If you need to check your blades, might want to carry an anvil with you when you mow, and leave it on the seat when you dismount. At least that is how my friend Lefty Hofnagle and his brother, Stumpy, solved the problem.

Q: Do you perform regular maintenance on your lawn tractor?

A: I regularly perform maintenance of some sort. Last week, for example, I maintained the hood on my mower, which kept falling off because, regardless of what my wife may tell you, a number of essential nuts and bolts had been removed by a gang of very stealthy lawn mower vandals. I maintained it by skillfully applying duct tape. I also removed a wheel by jacking the mower up, removing the lug nut, and sliding it off. This was tricky, because my hydraulic jack was too tall to fit under the mower frame. A lesser man would have given up, but I used my head, dug a hole in the yard to set the jack in, and it worked like a charm. Let me rephrase that: I used a shovel to dig that hole in the yard, not my head.

Q: Do you have a weed-eater? And if so, do you have any maintenance tips?

A: That would be our dachshund, Maggie. We maintain her by supplementing her weed intake with kibble, dog biscuits, canned dog food, puppy treats, chicken parts, and pieces of Granny Smith apples.

Q: I mean the gas-powered kind.

A: Oh. Yes, I have one of those. Every Spring I maintain it by cursing at it because it won't start and throwing it against our oak tree. A mechanic once told me that when you leave gasoline in a tank over the winter, varnish will form. If they can make cars that run on wood alcohol, soybeans, and cow manure, you’d think somebody would come up with weed eater that could run on varnish.

Q: Do you recommend driving your lawn tractor in high gear at top speed, or do you favor a slower, more careful mowing style?

A: There are a lot of rough spots in my lawn, and I always encounter things like rocks, limbs, or Frisbees when I mow, so I try to build up a good head of steam on the straightaways so I can hydroplane over the obstacles, never hitting my brakes except when I lean into the turns. Unfortunately, my lawn tractor can at best make only about 7 mph, and that is with the hood removed and a tailwind.

Q: You make lawn mowing sound like a sporting event. Don’t you take your mower and your lawn seriously?

A: No, I don’t. If I took lawn mowing more seriously, both my lawn and my mower would look better. Riding a lawn mower is fun, especially if a) you aren’t trying to ride a walk-behind mower, and b) you spent a large portion of your youth pushing one of those walk-behind models. My riding mower is like the go-cart I never had. And since you mentioned it, there are sporting events all over the country featuring lawn mowers.

Q: Like what?

A: Sta-bil, the fuel stabilizer people, will be sponsoring the Spring Nationals, a sanctioned United States Lawn Mower Racing Association (USLMRA) event, in Englewood, Tennessee on April 29. Englewood, if you’re interested, is about 60 miles northeast of Chattanooga on Highway 411. There will be lawn mowers there capable of speeds of over 70 mph. The drivers wear helmets, goggles, and protective gear, just like NASCAR drivers. Throughout the mowing season there are events with names like "mow downs," "turf battles," "mowing madness," and "speedway sodbusters." Our state’s own racing team, the Alabama Dixie Outlaws, will probably be represented at the Spring Nationals in Englewood. You might want to call Kerry Evans at Evans Outdoor Power in Mobile. just to make sure.

Q: So do these USLMRA professionals actually mow while they race?

A: No, sadly, Rule No. 1 stipulates that all racing machines must have their blades removed. It’s guys like me, the non-professional suburbanites who race around our yards with mulching blades whirling and debris flying, who are the real outlaws. We don’t know the meaning of the word "fear." I may never be a pro lawn mower racer, but next Fall I plan to enter the Pro-Am 100-yard Leaf Blowing Time Trials in Tuscaloosa. My wife thinks I would excel in that event, even without a leaf blower.