By Tim Sanders

These are difficult times for humor columnists. That is because it is awfully hard to top some of the supposedly serious news stories we encounter on a regular basis.
Consider the blog entries made by singer Cheryl Crow and environmentalist Laurie David during their recent Stop Global Warming College Tour. Some of those remarks were reprinted by The Washington Post in an April 22, 2007 article entitled "Saving the Earth: The Biodiesel Bus Blog."

In one entry, Crow and David gush over a meeting in their bus with former Vice President and future heavyweight contender Al Gore:

Crow and David (4/18, Nashville): ... [He] sat and talked with us on the bus about what he hopes to see happen in this country as the stop global warming movement catches fire. Having the former Vice President visit was like having your dad show up for Father’s Weekend at the sorority house. We were giddy with excitement and proud to show him our home away from home.
 

We can only assume that the comment about the stopping global warming movement catching fire was a slip of the tongue.

The following day Crow was quick to point out that even giddy, middle-aged sorority girls on a road trip can have some really, really ... you know ... like ... um ... serious thoughts.

Crow (4/19, Springfield, Tenn.): ... Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

God-given right to toilet paper? TWO OR THREE SQUARES? I know a little bit about those pesky bathroom emergencies. You might as well try to ward off a pesky grizzly bear with a flyswatter.

You can study humor for years, and still not come up with material like this. And there's more:

Crow (4/19): I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what’s called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.
 

But our sorority girl/singer is just warming up. She presents another idea which she’s cultivated, fertilized, and harvested in that tiny green cranial garden she calls her mind. She is proud to call it "my latest, very exciting idea for creating incentive for us all to minimize our own personal carbon footprints." (Carbon footprints? Write it down; you’ll be hearing evangelically zealous environmentalists tossing that catch phrase around for the next few decades. It’ll be on everybody’s lips, activating your gag reflex and making your ears bleed. You know, like empowerment, self-actualization, closure, and Oprah. I’m sure Cheryl will use it in a song, if she hasn’t already.)

It’s a reality show. (I feel pretty certain NO ONE has thought of this yet!) Here is the premise: the contest consists of 10 people who are competing for the top spot as the person who lives the "greenest" life. This will be reflected in the contestant’s home, his business, and his own personal living style. The winner of this challenging, prestigious contest would receive what?? ... a recording contract!!!
 

"Greenest" contestant wins a recording contract. A recording contract followed by several exclamation points! Step up to the microphone, Kermit. There is more humor to follow, including Laurie David’s heart-wrenching account of how her speech outside the Charlottesville Pavilion "in front of a couple of thousand slightly inebriated college men" waiting to hear a musical group was received. "Out of the corner of my eye," she says, "I saw guys yawning, I heard kids saying ‘where’s the music?’ and I think I heard the ‘b’ word ... when I walked off the stage I immediately burst into tears. Not because I took anything personally but because it was so clear how much work is still to be done."

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing really funny about caring for the environment. I think we could start right here in Cherokee County by ticketing these boobs who toss litter all over the roadsides. But while it’s really trendy for people like Crow and David to lament the doom which will befall the planet within the next couple of centuries if we all continue to leave those fearsome carbon footprints all over our highways, and those dreaded carbon butt prints all over our Charmin, I think we might have some much more pressing problems. Maybe it’s just me, but I find global terrorism a little more bothersome than global warming. While the jury may still be out on the global warming threat, the verdict on global jihadism is already in.

I’ve never won a Grammy, and my spouse never produced any award-winning TV shows, so I guess I’m no environmental expert. But I do know what would happen the next time my wife called from the bathroom for more toilet paper and I had the nerve to slide two or three little squares under the door. Talk about your doomsday scenario; she'd strangle me with my own non-virgin wood, environmentally correct, detachable, designer dining sleeve.