Road Apples
May 1, 2006

At least he didn't have to worry about his toupee blowing off

By Tim Sanders

By now I’m sure you’ve heard about the guy in Oregon with a really bad headache who went to the local emergency room for treatment. According to a report in the current Journal of Neurosurgery, doctors found twelve 2-inch nails embedded in his skull.

X-rays revealed four nails on the left side of his head, two below his right ear, and six clustered between his right eye and ear.

The unidentified 33-year-old checked into the hospital last year. Doctors said that although he initially claimed the nails in his head were due to an unfortunate nail gun accident, he later admitted that he was suicidal and high on methamphetamine when he fired the nails into his skull.

The report said that the nails came close to major blood vessels and the brain stem, but missed them. The patient was in remarkably good condition when transferred to the Oregon Health and Science University in Portland, where surgeons removed the nails with (seriously) needle-nosed pliers and a drill.

He survived with no lasting ill effects.

Several of those intriguing skull X-rays hit the TV news channels last week, and many are still available on the Internet. I liked the story not for what it said, but for what it left unsaid. And like most serious journalists, when I don’t know those all-important "whats," "wheres," "whos," and "whens," I assess the situation logically, gather all of the resources at my disposal, and make stuff up. For example, one can only imagine the suicide attempt:

ATTEMPT #1: "Lemme see here, last words. Uh ... Oh death, where is thine stinger?" KERPOP! "OUCH! Ooooh, I see a real bright light ... and ... and angels beckoning. Ain’t they pretty? Oh crap, that’s the TV, and them angels is ...Fred and Ethel Mertz!"
 

ATTEMPT #2: "It’s a far, far better thing I do than the thing I done the last time!" KERPOP! "Yeeeowie! Still alive, dang it!"

ATTEMPT #3: "Goodbye cruel world, I’m ... I’m leaving all my bass plugs to Leon!" KERPOP! "Ooooh boy, that hurts!"

ATTEMPT #4: "I shoulda told Loretta I love her!" KERPOP! "OUCH! Aw, n-n-n-nuts, s-s-still here!"

ATTEMPTS #5 and 6: "This is really it, and ... uh ... there’ll be n-n-no more old Sta-Sta-Stanley Hacklespackler to kick around any m-more!" KERPOP! KERPOP! "YEEEOWTCH!! Dang!"

ATTEMPTS #7, 8, and 9: "This time I ... I really ... I ... you ... you drove ... you drove me to this, M-M-Momma! And you too, Eugene! You’ll all be s-s-sorry. I MEAN IT THIS TIME!" KERPOP! KERPOP! KERPOP! "... Hey, I m-m-must be n-n-n-numb, I didn’t feel n-n-n-nothing. Probably this stupid n-nail gun! That’s the last time I’ll buy anything from Home D-D-D-Depot!"

ATTEMPTS #10, 11, and 12: KERPOP! KERPOP! KERPOP! "OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!! Whooooeeee! The f-fog is rolling in, n-now. I think I’ll g-g-get me a b-b-beer before I cross over old Jordan. Maybe a b-b-beer and a Tylenol."
 

And if the suicide attempt itself was a little silly, that nail removal surgery must have been downright farcical:


SURGEON #1 (entering operating room): "Sorry I’m late. You remember Dr. Lipschitz, don’t you?"

SURGEON #2: "Oh yeah, urologist with a 10 handicap and a smooth, but powerful stroke."

SURGEON #1: "Well, he had a smooth, but powerful stroke on the12th hole at Green Meadows this morning. It was ischemic, I think, and after today, his handicap has gone way up. He’d have had to finish the round putting lefty, if he hadn’t driven his cart into that water hazard on the 13th. "

SURGEON #2: "Shame. 10 handicap urologists are hard to find. Are you sterile?"

SURGEON #1: "I’ve got three kids, and another one on the way, if that means anything. Is Mr. Spacklehackler out yet?"

SURGEON #2: "That’s Hacklespackler, and he’s out like a light."

SURGEON #1: "I glanced at the chart before scrubbing in. Cranial nail extraction, right?"

SURGEON #2: "12 of ‘em. From the looks of the X-rays, they’re 2-inch galvanized roofing nails with barbed shanks. And not a one of them hit anything vital."

SURGEON #1: "That’s because the guy has a brain the size of an English pea. I saw the X-rays too."

SURGEON #3: "Yeah, well I think this pea brain ought to consider giving up roofing for a safer line of work. Maybe he could run for Congress."

SURGEON #2: "The way I understand the story, it was a suicide attempt."

SURGEON #1: "You mean 12 suicide attempts, don’t you?"

SURGEON #3 (examining patient with a magnifying glass): "Hey, look, fellas. I think I can get this one behind his ear with a claw hammer."

SURGEON #1: "Claw hammer? Don’t be ridiculous, this is an operating room. We have the very latest, state of the art surgical instruments at our disposal! Nurse, hand me those needle-nosed pliers from the tray. And the Vise-Grips. And while you’re at it, make sure that Black and Decker 18-volt cordless drill–the one with the stud finder–is fully charged.. We’ll need a tapered quarter-inch bit. Dr. Fine, you can man the drill."

SURGICAL NURSE: "Pliers and Vise-Grips, Dr. Howard. Drill, Dr. Fine."

SURGEON #1: "Pliers, Vise-Grips. Got ‘em."

SURGEON #2: "Drill. Got it."

SURGEON #3: "What about me?"

SURGEON #1: "You just stand by with that trowel and the Elmer’s wood filler, Picklepuss!"

SURGEON #3: "Certainly. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Trowel and wood filler, standing by. Oooh, but I love medicine!"


A CNN.com news release said that the patient was transferred to a psychiatric care unit and stayed there under a court order for nearly a month, before leaving against doctors’ orders.

Coincidentally, the day after he left, the psychiatric staff reported all of their office staplers missing.