Road Apples by Tim Sanders
May 7, 2012

If not the tabloids, then who can you trust?

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I have been contacted by readers who want to know why it is that I so seldom discuss articles from supermarket tabloids like The Weekly World News or The Sun in my column. “You used to quote them,” one reader said, “So why not now?”

Well, this may surprise you, but while there was a time when these supermarket tabloids were the gold standard when it came to media integrity, and could be relied upon for their veracity, lately they have wandered a bit too far from literal truth. The tabloids no longer provide honest, hard-working journalists like myself with any serviceable material. Fifteen years ago, when I noticed a detailed photograph of a cow launching herself from a hayloft, and in a subsequent photo that very same, identical cow was shown soaring above an Iowa cornfield, I recognized the potential there. A trained journalist could use that little story to explain aerodynamic principles–wings, fetlocks, rudders, udders and such–to young readers. But when, a few years later, I saw a similar article in a similar tabloid with a photo of not one, but a whole herd of Guernseys flying south in that familiar V-formation, I strongly suspected that there was mischief afoot. I looked it up, and sure enough, it’s geese that fly in a V-formation, not cows. Cows don’t even walk in a V-formation, except during windstorms.

Other questionable tabloid articles involved stories about how former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno was actually the love child of Eleanor Roosevelt and Bigfoot. This was almost certainly a hoax, since a) Eleanor was well past her child-bearing years in 1938 when Reno was born, and b) Reno was born in Miami, and not one single Bigfoot sighting has ever been reported in the greater Miami area.

Another article told how Hillary Clinton had adopted an alien baby. That one was accompanied by a photo which showed the [then] first lady smiling proudly, holding not a Mexican or Guatemalan baby, but a rather unpleasant looking child with a perfectly round, bald head, no ears and eyes the size of dinner plates. The caption beside the “official photo” explained: “Space creature survived UFO crash in Arkansas.” But I didn’t fall for that one, either, due to the obvious lack of antennae anywhere on that “alien” baby’s skull. Everybody knows that alien babies all come complete with little antennae, and this particular child looked like he, or she, weighed at least 40 pounds, which would have made it old enough to have sprouted an impressive set of roof antlers.

Other questionable articles included titles like:


• Contortionist swallows own foot, hops to Emergency Room

• At 6 ft. 4, radio personality Garrison Keillor is officially the world’s largest midget

• Half bat, half teacup Chihuahua sleeps hanging upside down from owner’s curtain rod

• Horse with eight legs disqualified from entering Kentucky Derby

• 35 pound hairball found inside 2 pound baby armadillo

• Bodies preserved in ice since Titanic disaster are thawed, brought to life

• Unhatched Martian egg found in gymnasium turns out to be moldy basketball

• 400 pound goldfish eats owner, escapes through open skylight

• Congressional committee recommends tapeworms for obese children

• Insiders say Romney to choose Lisa Marie Presley as VP nominee

• Scientists must re-schedule end of the world due to inclement weather


These and other articles have, over the years, aroused my suspicion that the old, reliable supermarket tabloids have gone the way of The New York Times and The Washington Post. By which I mean downhill. If you doubt me, here is an entire article, ripped from the pages of The Bi-Weekly Universal Beacon of Truth at Reduced Prices. This once fine publication still carries the same logo, a depiction of Diogenes wandering the streets of ancient Athens, carrying a large Eveready flashlight, looking for an honest man. But the content makes old Diogenes’ search seem futile:


New Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood Negotiations Fall Apart

PBS negotiators said last week that their new version of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, with a working title of Mr. Gore’s Neighborhood, is in hiatus again. Author, environmentalist, Nobel Prize winner, Academy Award winner, Grammy winner, and former Clinton VP Al Gore, who had initially agreed to host the new children’s show, has balked at many of the producers’ requirements.

Says one unnamed staffer, “He ripped off his red sweater, threw his slippers into Grandpere’s Eiffel Tower, and demanded that his old boss be given the recurring role of the postman, Mr. McFeeley. He said that Mr. Clinton ‘just liked the name.’ Mr. Gore then insisted that we do away with the Cousin Mary Owl character, because she made him nervous. He also said that providing voices for puppets like Mrs. Frogg, King Friday XIII, Lady Elaine Fairchild, and Princess Margaret H. Lizard did not fall within his job description, and would require some concessions from the International Hand Puppeteers Union, as well as a sizeable pay increase.

None of these issues had come up until Mr. Gore became agitated during the filming of a segment meant to assure children that their fears of being sucked down the commode after a good, healthy flush were baseless. When his director objected to his attempt to physically demonstrate that a five-year-old couldn’t possibly fit down that commode, even with the help of a toilet plunger, Mr. Gore got very upset. Basically, he pitched a hissy fit.”

Negotiations are expected to continue next week.

Which may help explain why I so seldom use supermarket tabloid articles anymore.