Road Apples by Tim Sanders
May 16, 2011

Strange and Stranger

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There are people out there who put a lot of valuable time and effort into providing mankind with information which, without their help, many of us would never ... be provided with. I know this because somebody, a couple of years ago, put my email address on the info@strangecosmos.com mailing list. This website, which sends a twice-weekly newsletter, provides “strange and interesting facts and valuable information” on a wide variety of critical categories like Strange Roller Skating Dogs, Strange Blind Golfers and Their Unintended Targets, Strange X-rays of the Rich and Famous, Strange Lesbian Jockeys, and surprisingly long Strange Lists of Politicians Whose Last Words Were “If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’!” (In less than two centuries of statehood, Alabama has lost seventeen congressmen, six mayoral candidates, and four governors that way.)

The website also carries a variety of very instructional photos of attractive young ladies in the Strange Attractive Young Ladies in Tiny Bikinis section. [NOTE TO WIFE: I don’t view those photos personally, but I’ve heard rumors that several of them offer excellent examples of how the contrast between light and shadow affects the art of photography, and how much easier it can be to view a quality Internet photograph when you zoom your page size to 400%.]

But I digress. The May 11 edition of Strange Cosmos carried a couple of interesting items which I thought I’d pass along to you. The first, which I believe followed a fascinating series of photos titled Strange Hoveround Accidents, was something called Strange 2011 Calendar Mysteries. One of the strange 2011 calendar mysteries was: “This year we’re going to experience four unusual dates. 1/1/11, 1/11/11. 11/1/11, 11/11/11. And that’s not all ... Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born - now add the age you will be this year. The results will be 111 for everyone in [the] whole world.”

So, ever the skeptic, I did the math all by myself and the result was indeed 111. I tried my wife’s birth date and her age, and again, 111! I tried a few other birth dates and ages, and SURPRISE, they all added up to 111. I strongly suspected that either Nostradamus or the ancient Mayans were responsible for this strange mathematical anomaly, and that it had something to do with the world ending in 2012. But then I felt something slowly creeping up my neck and into my brain. It was a sense of foolishness. Of course if you add your age to your birth date, the current year will result. DUH! Somebody on the Strange Cosmos staff had gone to a whole lot of trouble solving the simplest of math problems and then wording it so that monkeys like me would run off to amaze our friends with it until one of them pointed out that we were jackasses.

The second item was a list of Strange Tips and Hints, which was contributed by somebody named “Pasadena Phil.” There were 42 tips and hints listed, but I will mention only a few, each of which brings with it its own set of questions:


• #4 informs the reader that “Mayonnaise will KILL LICE. It will also condition your hair.” Pasadena Phil would have us believe that after dosing his hair with Mayonnaise to rid himself of head lice, his friend Bob discovered that “HEY, THIS STUFF WORKS GREAT AS A CONDITIONER, TOO!” As to just what led old Bakersfield Bob to try the Mayonnaise Lice Treatment in the first place, we can only guess. Maybe he was out of ranch dressing.

• #5 says: “Elmer’s Glue - place on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads, if any.” We aren’t told just how this method of skin defoliation was discovered, but we strongly suspect old Bakersfield Bob was again involved. Probably drunk.

• #12 and #13 recommend Preparation H for both chigger bites and puffy eyes. And we thought it was only good for ... well, conditioning your hair.

• Here’s another home remedy we cannot for the life of us understand the origins ... of. It is #15, which states simply: “Stinky feet - Jell-O.”

• And we can only surmise that at some point Pasadena Phil’s kids were fooling around with the CD player, which resulted in #20, which tells us “Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CDs!” And as if that weren’t enough, #23 adds “Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls,” and #33 advises using peanut butter to remove labels from glassware. Maybe Pasadena Phil should hide the peanut butter from his kids before they decide to try and de-flea the kitty with it.

• #25 recommends that for heavy dandruff you should “pour on the vinegar!” That, I assume, is because if you’ve ever stood close to anybody who has poured a bottle of vinegar on his head, you probably never noticed his dandruff.

• #29 tells us that “A Slinky will hold toast and CDs!” This hint doesn’t mention, however, the mess the toy will leave on the stairs. Again, we suspect Pasadena Phil’s kids.

• Here’s one we’re relatively sure would work, but cause more problems than it would solve: #30 “To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste.” #35 recommends Colgate for removing crayon marks from walls, and #37 recommends it for removing stains from clothes. Like peanut butter, Colgate apparently has many uses, despite the fact that brushing teeth is never mentioned. (I do think Phil recommended peanut butter for tooth brushing, though.)


The website includes many strange photos and videos, such as Strange Minnesota Frogs with Too Many Legs, Strange Minnesota Lumberjacks with Too Many Legs, Strange Minnesota Lumberjacks Eating Strange Minnesota Frogs with Too Many Legs, and Strange Emergency Room Patients with Screwdrivers, Railroad Spikes, and Ten-Penny Nails Embedded in Their Skulls.

And speaking of sharp objects and skulls, I remember one photo that showed Mrs. Biden using her salad fork to wake the Vice President from his nap at a formal White House dinner. It was an excellent photo, and if you zoomed to 400% you could actually see the bits of croutons and lettuce on his forehead.