By Tim Sanders

It is time for another grammar column, aimed at convincing readers that good grammar will somehow turn their lives around and allow them to win the lottery.

Q: I have trouble with punctuality because I never know when to use periods like sometimes I think comas would be better and then again how about your colon by which I mean the two dot thing which is half a smiley face not your actual colon which is located in the hindquarters of your abominable cavity anyway and when do you use those three little dots that mean–

A: We’re sorry, your time is up, you have a call on another line, and we believe your best friend may well have passed away while reading one of your text messages.

Q: I’ve been watching TV ads for Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, who’s running for President of the Alabama Public Service Commission. So my question is: What kind of a name is "Twinkle?"

A: Many Southern families wait for awhile, sometimes for several weeks, before naming their newborn babies. They do this so that the name they select will fit the physical and behavioral traits of the child. Twinkle’s parents loved descriptive names, and Twinkle was so named for her sparkly, cheerful personality and her shiny little eyes. According to a close family member, "Even as a tiny baby, Twinkle was a joyful child. The name seemed to fit perfectly. Just between you and me, I wish I had a name like ‘Twinkle!’"

Q: Which close family member said that?

A: We believe it was one of her older brothers–either Dribble or Poot.

Q: A co-worker told me: "According to scuttlebutt, somebody in the office is about to get a promotion." I told her that was no way to talk about our supervisor, Mr. Nasalrod, and she said it was only a word. What kind of a word is scuttlebutt, anyhow?

A: Scuttlebutt is an old nautical term. In the early 18th Century, captains of British ships transporting cabbages and chili beans from the South Pacific often suspected that their cargo was infested with scuttles. Sailors who ate enough of the vegetables on these long voyages developed a severe gastrointestinal condition called "scuttlebutt," which was treated by binding the suffering mariners with stout ropes and dragging them behind the ship until they reached port. I do not know enough about Mr. Nasalrod to say whether the nickname fits or not.

Q: When sailors weigh anchor, do they use the bathroom scales?

A: Barring a serious outbreak of scuttlebutt, yes.

Q: Explain what is wrong with the following sentence: "Careening wildly across the median, the seemingly endless primary race had finally given Neil a cerebral hemorrhage."

A: The sentence violates several federal and state hate speech regulations by boldly interjecting the word "race" into an already volatile peripheral clause. It also mentions "cerebral hemorrhage" without the express written consent of qualified medical personnel or major league baseball. We recommend rewriting the sentence this way: "Careening wildly across the median, the seemingly endless primary race (which in no way means RACE race) had finally given a person of interest still unnamed pending notification of next of kin an alleged traumatic injury in an undisclosed location which by all accounts may well have been above his neck region, somewhere under his hat ... possibly."

Q: Which is correct: "expressed written consent" or "express written consent?"

A: We prefer "express written consent," unless you are talking about a recently deceased wealthy uncle who died under mysterious circumstances, in which case we would recommend that you lawyer up.

Q: Every time I hear that stupid "free credit report dot com" commercial, my ears bleed. But my question is, when that moronic bobble headed kid sits in his sub-compact and says "Now instead of lookin’ fly and rollin’ fat, my legs are stickin’ to the vinyl and my posse’s gettin’ laughed at," just what language is that?

A: The language is English, sort of. If you will remember, when you were young and told your parents that you were a "groovy, happenin’, dude who’d tuned in and turned on," your parents were not particularly impressed with your intellectual capacity. Mostly they blamed public education. Well, today’s youth are even more intellectually challenged, and public education is certainly no better than it was in neolithic times. Here is our interpretation of those perplexing phrases in that commercial:

1. LOOKIN’ FLY - This probably has something to do with an old Vincent Price movie. Or it may involve your trousers.

2. ROLLIN’ FAT - We aren’t sure, but we suspect that this is either a reference to overinflated tires, or to cellulite.

3. MY POSSE- This one we know. The youngster in the commercial firmly believes that he’s a sheriff, riding the range. Our guess would be that he’s ready to head somebody off at the pass. Judging by the looks of his posse, he’d better hope the bad guys are out of ammunition.

Q: I just read a May 13 Reuters article by Jon Hurdle about Philadelphia’s very first "Gay Rodeo," in which he said:

Interspersed with familiar events like steer riding and calf roping were "goat dressing" - in which pairs of contestants try to put hot-pink underwear on the hind quarters of an uncooperative goat in the shortest time - and "steer decorating" in which one partner of a team has to tie a ribbon on the tail of a struggling steer while the other tries to hold on to its horns.

What do you think of that?

A: We have just dozens of hilarious "gay rodeo" one-liners we could use here, several of which use the term "buckaroo," but we could never top hot-pink goat panties and decorated steers.

Q: My doctor recently told me I needed to purchase a pair of diabetic shoes. Was he being funny, or what?

A: Not very. We actually have a pair of low calorie, diabetic shoes, which unlike your regular shoes are sweetened with aspartame. Since the only time we open our mouth nowadays is to change feet, diabetic shoes are our footwear of choice. Much healthier, you know.

We hope this has changed your life. Now go out and purchase a lottery ticket. If you win, we will look forward to hearing from you.