Road Apples
May 25, 2009


Advice for seniors

By Tim Sanders

The other night I was sitting in the recliner, pondering an appropriate topic for this week’s column. Marilyn approached, and immediately sensed that I was lost deep in thought.
“Wake up, Tim!” she said.

I explained that I wasn’t sleeping, only thinking.

“Then why were you snoring?” she asked, knowing perfectly well that it is medically possible for a man to snore while awake, especially when he’s thinking deep thoughts. I told her I’d been searching for a topic, and she suggested that since it was late springtime, an advice column for seniors might be a good idea. It sounded reasonable to me, so after a quick Cheetos energy snack I attacked the keyboard with gusto.

In about an hour Marilyn returned to the den and asked me how my column was progressing. I told her it was going really well, and that I’d addressed many problems common to seniors. “I’ve talked about how seniors should always ask retailers for their senior discount, which they sometimes don’t mention unless somebody asks them. I also advised that it is not wise for senior citizens to attempt dancing the Monkey or the Jerk when they hear The Rolling Stones on the radio, because of the possibility of hip injury. I've covered the many dangers involved in leaving loose throw rugs lying around, recommended lots of fiber in the diet, and advised against spinning around the kitchen in your Hoveround the way that old lady does in the commercials. Obviously if she were to get up after spinning around like that, she’d lurch into the refrigerator and fracture something.” I thought I’d done well, but Marilyn was unimpressed.

“I was talking about advice for graduating seniors, not advice for senior citizens!” she said. “That’s foolish!”

“Oh.”

So I shifted gears. I am not qualified to give advice to college seniors, because although I did graduate from college, and even got a couple of degrees, I did it all wrong and it took me almost fifteen years. On the other hand, I got through high school in regulation time, so here is some advice for graduating high school seniors:


1. At this moment in your life when your parents’ hearts are swollen with pride over your achievement, it is an excellent time to ask for money. Explain to dad that you need it for a down payment on a new, fuel efficient Prius. So that you can look for work. Emphasize the “fuel efficient” part. [HINT: If you casually mention that motorcycles are also very economical vehicles, the new Prius option will sound much more attractive.]


2. There’s nothing as valuable in today’s dismal economy as a college diploma. If you have a word processor and a good printer, you can print one up in no time. Remember to capitalize the name of your chosen institution, and change the font size every few lines, just for variety’s sake. Use Old English typeface somewhere in your diploma, as that is required by law. You might also want to throw in a Latin word or two. “Deciduous” is always good. Try to make the dean’s signature illegible. They all sign that way.


3. Hang your college diploma in a conspicuous spot, where everyone can admire it. Your parents will know that it’s bogus, but at least they’ll be able to explain to their friends that while you may not yet have a job, or a place of your own, or gas money, you do have that stupid diploma hanging on the wall above the wide screen TV.


4. Even though you've graduated into adulthood, your parents will still not appreciate your Death Metal music, and you will still find their old rock albums very annoying. So now that you are an adult, do the adult thing and show them how mature you are by purchasing some headphones. Tell them to put them on while listening to their aggravating Herman’s Hermits CD. That way you and your friends can enjoy the sounds of Morbid Angel and Six Feet Under butchering livestock with chain saws at full volume without all of that stupid “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter” nonsense impeding your musical enjoyment.


5. Always leave your bedroom window open just a bit. While your parents love you, and are deeply concerned with your welfare, parents have been known to change the locks while their children are out pretending to look for work. It probably wouldn’t hurt to carry a crowbar in your trunk, just in case.


6. Look for work that you like to do. After you realize that, by definition, work consists of doing things you don’t like to do, try to find something with good health insurance, paid holidays, and other benefits. Burger King, for example, has an excellent annuity plan.


7. If you do move out–for example to a real, bonafide college dormitory, or to an apartment of your own–remember to stop in and check on your parents from time to time. Be thoughtful. Put your laundry in a durable canvas bag, and occasionally buy some detergent for mom.


8. You may also want to explain to mom that those rats in your room are not pets, only food for Beelzebub, your boa constrictor. You should leave detailed feeding instructions. Tell her not to worry if he disappears after she lets him out for exercise. He’ll show up when he’s hungry. He always does. She’ll appreciate that.


In conclusion, graduates, remember that as all of you, in your identical caps and identical gowns, with your identical diplomas in hand, climb into your identical fuel efficient Toyota hybrids and drive forth with the identical goal of making the world a better, greener, more carbon neutral place ... where was I?

Oh yeah ... remember that your individuality is the GPS which will help you navigate life’s rugged terrain. At least that’s what all the very best graduation speakers say.