Road Apples
June 1, 2009


Mr. Mannerly Man resurfaces

By Tim Sanders

Some of you have asked why there have been no Mr. Mannerly Man columns over the past few months. Well, as many of you know, manmade global dampening has led to heavy rains this spring. These rains have raised the water level in Weiss Lake, which has put most of our Mannerly Man Institute’s Gaylesville campus underwater. We’ve had a great deal of difficulty assembling all of our students and our faculty in our Interdepartmental Quonset Hut which is now on a tiny island in the middle of millions of gallons of lake water. Although we were forced to spend almost all of our federal Salad Fork and Napkin Arrangement research grant on a campus shuttle boat, caulking and new oar locks, we feel that now we can proceed with our mission to bring good manners to those in need.

We will continue to answer your questions, although without the services of the late Mr. Clifton Vincent Dribble, Chairman of our Table Deportment Department. Sadly, Mr. Dribble’s snorkel malfunctioned and he drowned last month while attempting to purchase cheese crackers from one of our submerged snack machines. On the positive side, however, Mr. Durward Hacklespeck, Chairman of our Deliberate Snubs and Insults Department, has completed his sentence, paid his debt to society, and is once again a full-fledged staff member.


Q: Last week the pastor he come over to see why me and Loretta hadn’t been to church in two months. So while we was both trying to think up something to tell him, our tomcat he come in through a hole in the screen door and hawked up some mouse parts on the preacher’s wing tips. So Loretta she said to me “Do something, Harold,” so I said “Damnation, Leviticus, what in hell is wrong with you! You ort not to do Reverend Dooley thataway!” Then I picked him up by the neck and flung him out the back door. By which I mean Leviticus, not Reverend Dooley. After the pastor left, Loretta she clumb all over me about the way I acted. I told her I did all I could, which was to correct the cat and fling him outside. What did I do wrong?

A: Your sin was one of omission. After you tossed Leviticus out the back door, the mannerly thing would have been to lead Rev. Dooley to the front porch and hand him a napkin.


Q: My friend Tiffany is always staring at her cell phone and then pushing buttons and then staring and then pushing buttons again. She does this while she’s eating, while I’m trying to talk to her, while she’s waiting in the checkout line, and even while she’s driving. What is wrong with her, and should I say something?

A: Tiffany is probably sending and receiving text messages. It is not her fault–texting, like the swine flu, smallpox, and tapeworms, is contagious. She probably caught it from somebody with a cell phone sitting next to her in a doctor’s waiting room. If you really care for your friend, we recommend tough love. Steal her cell phone from her purse, take a claw hammer and beat it into tiny pieces. If she sees you and objects, politely tell her to clam up because there’s more where that came from. If she simply purchases another cell phone for texting purposes, you may have to threaten to use your claw hammer on her fingers.

[DISCLAIMER: The Mannerly Man Institute does not recommend actually breaking fingers with hammers, only threatening to do so. When it comes to texting, however, we do fully endorse waterboarding.]

Q: My cousin she married a man from Broomtown. I would appreciate it if you would not mention his name, which is Terry Labonte Seidlitz, or her name, which is Beverly Jastrow Seidlitz, as they might read this. Beverly was always a very homely girl, but she couldn’t help it because her momma, Edner Jastrow, who was a Hopper, one of the Piedmont Hoppers, before she married Ervil Jastrow, also had one of them horsey faces which always seems to get passed down.

But anyhow, Terry ain’t no prize neither. When we first seen him at the wedding some of us was wondering afterwards if maybe he could find him a plastic sturgeon and get some work done. Specially on his ears, which is way bigger than most. So last year they had a baby, which they named Danica Patrick Seidlitz. Now most babies is kind of homely at first, by which I mean all red and chubby faced and no teeth and all, but poor little Danica she’s the type you can tell ain’t going to improve any as time goes by. Eight months old and still bald as a jug, only one tooth which is crooked, and ears the size of dinner plates.

So now every time we see Beverly and little Danica, she always says something like “Ain’t she the most beautifullest baby?” or “Don’t she look like Terry through the ears?” My wife Gail she gets mad at me because I can’t never think of nothing to say other than once I said Danica was looking some better now, which didn’t work out real good. So what should I say?

A: We recommend tact. All mothers think their babies are beautiful, even when they look exactly like Eisenhower. Here are some suggestions. Memorize them:

1. “I’ve seen hundreds of beautiful babies in my time, but I’ve never seen anything quite like little Danica.” (No lie there, only some strategic misdirection)

2. “Ooh, did I spy another tooth, or is she just spitting up her rice?” (More misdirection)

3. Instead of “She’s looking better now,” try “How about them Braves?” (If Beverly is not a baseball fan, this will probably not work)


We have received a few other letters, but they are waterlogged, and we can’t make heads or tails out of them. As the waters recede, we hope to increase our Mannerly Man advice output.

If you wish to visit our campus, please remember to wear a life preserver. And if you bring lunch, seal it in a waterproof lunchbox.