Road Apples
June 8, 2009


The more things change, the more they don't

By Tim Sanders

Ah, television! Last week I was watching a State Farm Insurance commercial. There were dozens of people hugging and comforting and weeping and smiling and pushing wheelchairs and rebuilding homes and so on and so forth–all the things insurance companies spend a lot of time doing when they aren’t raising rates and selling more insurance policies. The theme, “Nothing’s more important than being there,” eventually appeared on the screen. Who could argue with that? I’d hate not to be there, by which I mean “here.” So, thematically it’s a good commercial. At least if you have the volume turned down.

But the problem with this commercial is the theme song. It is “I’ll Be There,” which was a hit for the Jackson 5 in 1970. Even back then that stupid song made my ears bleed because of those first lines: “You and I must make a pack, we must bring salvation back.” Make a PACK? It sounds like something sung by a cigarette factory employee. If the recording studio couldn’t afford to spend a few days helping little Michael work on his pronunciation back in 1970, then you’d at least think a huge, modern-day corporation like State Farm, with millions to spend on heartwarming, inspirational, diabetes-inducing commercials, could find somebody who could say the word PACT! PACT, PACT, PACT, dang it!

There, I feel better now.
My dad bought our first TV set, a huge, 17-inch Sylvania, around 1955. It was state-of-the-art, and came with rabbit ears (study your history) and a Halo Light. The fluorescent Halo Light surrounded the screen and was designed to keep small children who sat too close to the set from going blind, which was a big problem back then. Dad was satisfied with the Halo Light, but the rabbit ears never suited him. He eventually purchased a longer antenna wire and attached it to a coat hanger wrapped in aluminum foil (which we called tinfoil back then). We got three channels on that set, if atmospheric conditions were suitable and that coat hanger was positioned correctly. Dad would have me position the hanger on various spots on the wall until the picture was fairly clear, and then he’d say “THERE, DON’T MOVE!” Then he’d go fetch some duct tape, and tape me to the wall. Crude, but effective.

I only mention that to demonstrate the many years of experience I have when it comes to television technology.
A few weeks ago my wife and I signed up for satellite TV. Here are some thoughts on satellite TV:


TECHNICIANS - Technicians will come to your home to install your satellite dish. All you really need to know is this: If a service person, or a committee for that matter, has an appointment to come to your house–be it to install a satellite dish, to deliver a large appliance, or to tune your glockenspiel–rest assured that they will never be there on time. Sometimes they’ll be only an hour or two late, and sometimes an entire day. They think that waiting will build your character. So if you want them to show up within minutes rather than hours or days, here’s what you do. Have yourself a couple bowls of tasty bran cereal, drink a quart of grape juice, follow that up with a Metamucil chaser, and wait until nature calls. Which it will. I guarantee that within two minutes after you gallop to the commode the doorbell will ring. Never fails.


CHANGING CHANNELS - We now have hundreds of channels on our TV. Several of them are very interesting channels. There are others which are of no use to us: home shopping channels, dog neutering channels, Spanish language channels, wacky televangelist channels, plastic surgery channels, bowling channels, and such. You can change channels, but you cannot swap channels. I personally offered to swap three inspirational channels, two golf channels, four food channels, fifteen home shopping channels, nine gem and jewelry channels, the goat breeding channel, the Oprah channel, and nine soap opera channels, all for just one premium Western movie channel, but the satellite providers were having none of it. Someday, although probably not in my lifetime, technology will be such that we can design our own package with only the channels we want. Instead of 250, we’ll probably only have seven , but seven good channels should be enough for anybody.


OPERATING THE SATELLITE REMOTE - Our new system has all kinds of features. We can set our remote to record future programs by selecting them from the onscreen TV guide. We can pause a show when the phone rings. Our remote has buttons with cryptic inscriptions like “Dish On Demand,” “Themes,” “Menu,” “Input,” “Inflate Flotation Device,” “Self-Destruct,” etc. There are also four brightly colored buttons labeled “Search,” which we do not like the looks of. While all of this was explained to us, we’ve forgotten most of it, and have learned, so far, to use the ON/OFF button and the channel selector. We’ve also learned that pushing the wrong buttons can introduce us to a video barrage of grids and menus and calendars from which it takes us hours to escape.

WEATHER - Here’s what I know about satellite transmission and weather: NOTHING. I believe that there are transponders, because I’ve seen the term on the screen when a rainstorm causes our satellite dish to go looking for a dry satellite. I think transponders are what Scotty used to beam Captain Kirk up into the Enterprise, but I have no idea how that applies to satellite TV. I do know that there are half satellites up there, because our system spent several minutes looking for satellite No. 61.5 during a thunderstorm the other day.


So how, you ask, do those early TV experiences help us oldsters when it comes to modern satellite technology? Easy. Yesterday when that stupid Jackson 5 State Farm commercial aired, Marilyn understood that if I were to start frantically searching for the MUTE button, I might inadvertently push a deadly combination of buttons which would result in a massive system failure and send hundreds of telecommunications satellites crashing to the earth.

So she snatched that remote from my hand and duct taped me to the wall.