Road Apples by Tim Sanders
June 13, 2011
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Freshly picked Alabamer Grammar Let me apologize, right up front, to those of you who are addicted to political scandals and expect some grist for your mill this week. I don’t have a single, solitary Weiner joke to pass along to you. Actually, I have seventeen, but I’m sure you’ve already heard them. These congressional “mistakes” happen so frequently nowadays that even sexual misconduct by a guy named Weiner no longer raises many eyebrows. Yes, it is a crying shame when the bad behavior of a paltry 98 percent of the politicians out there tends to make the other 2 percent look bad, but that’s life. There, I said it, and I take full responsibility for it. Now let’s move on to this week’s topic, which does not involve Weiners, only grammar. If you should ever enter the political arena, you will soon learn that good grammar can be both your best friend and your worst enemy, depending on which constituency you’re addressing. What follows are some actual grammatical questions which we encouraged several of our readers to ask. Q: Since you brought it up, what does “I take full responsibility” mean? A: In Shakespeare’s time it meant “I will repay all costs incurred tenfold, resign my post in shame, give all my worldly possessions to the underprivileged, and then borrow Horatio’s sword and fall on it.” Over the years, however, the phrase has come to mean “Yes, I sent the photo of myself and that llama on the nude beach, but only because I was suffering a severe allergic reaction to the Windex I’d just cleaned my computer monitor with.” Q: Does it always mean that? A: No. Sometimes it simply indicates that the press conference is over and coffee and doughnuts are available at the back of the room. Q: What is one of the strangest song titles you’ve ever heard? A: Annette Funicello’s 1963 single “Treat Him Nicely” would have to be near the top. Q: Did anyone else ever sing that song? A: In 1977 Tina Turner sang her version, known as “Treat Him with Penicillin.” The song was dedicated to her husband Ted. Q: I have trouble with either apostrophes or apostrophe’s. Which is it? A: Usually the apostrophe indicates possession. As in: “Them chicken’s of Bob’s is possessed.” Q: If Bob possesses the chickens, then what do the chickens possess? A: Chicken mites. Q: If that explains the apostrophe, then how about the colon? A: We recommend plenty of fiber and a quart of castor oil every spring. Q: I have been up under the doctor for three months for my vowels and my high hernia and last week he said I had a cute angina and I got all red in the face and said thank you but don’t never let my husband Obid hear you say that and he said what he meant was if I wasn’t careful I might have a infraction. I told him I couldn’t get no more infractions because I already had my licenses provoked and he said if I wasn’t a layperson I would of understood he meant heart attacked. A: And your question had something to do with ... infractions? Q: Nossir. My question had to do with how come he was to call me a layperson. A: We suspect that it had something to do with you being “up under” him for three months, but that is only a wild guess. Q: Okay then, my husband Obid he went to see Doctor Fitch yesterday because of a reason which he did not want to discuss with me and he come home all pitiful and said the doctor he said he might ort to have something removed if it didn’t get no better and gave him some ointment and I ast him what was he fixing to lose and he said it was either on his grodum or his stirrup he wasn’t sure which. I don’t know either one of them medical words, so what are they and which one did the doctor mean? A: That would depend on the location. Q: He is located on Main Street next door to the denture clinic and across from the Pine Knot Church of God Reopening in July with a New Minister Praise Jesus sign. A: I mean where on your husband is the defective part located? Q: He said it was down in his growing area. A: In that case, we have no earthly idea. We are laypersons here, too. Q: Momma she went to school for a conference with the principle and Momma she wanted to no why was I behind in all of my classes and Mrs. Tessler she tole Momma maybe there was a problem with my jeans and Momma she said they was just washed three days ago and Mrs. Tessler she said no she meant did any of the other family members ever have problems in school and Momma she got her back up and said why no in fact her double cousin Leonard he went to school and made a lawyer and not just any old lawyer but an honest lawyer and Mrs. Tessler she laughed and said that was an oxymoron and Momma she balled up her fist and I had to catch her in a choke hold from behind and take her home before all hell busted loose. She said Leonard weren’t no moron and being only five foot three and weighing 100 lbs. dripping wet he certainly weren’t oxy. So what is an oxymoron? A: An oxymoron consists of words which do not belong together. Q: Like Uncle Red and Jim Beam which Aunt Millie tole him if she ever caught him hiding any more of it in the baby’s cabinet she would wring his scrawny neck? A: Exactly like that. Feel free to send in your grammar questions, and/or any grammatical gaffes you might come across in recent news stories. Don’t worry, we are trained journalists and can turn those gaffes into questions with little or no effort. But please, no more Weiner questions. |