Road Apples by Tim Sanders
June 14, 2010

Yet more ideas we could do without

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In this week’s column I hope to answer the question: “Just what do the Magna Carta, the U.S. Constitution, and a pack of Camels have in common?” Okay, so maybe it’s a stretch, but bear with me.

Tomorrow is June 15, when school children around the United States all wear T-shirts celebrating the day in 1215 when King John affixed his seal to the Magna Carta in Runnymede Meadow on the banks of the River Thames (which the British pronounce TEMZ because they are British).


Of course I’m only kidding about the school children. True, the Magna Carta has influenced hundreds of subsequent historical documents–most notably our own Constitution–but modern textbooks devote little space to it. Besides which, by the June 15 Magna Carta Anniversary, school is already out for the annual three-week summer vacation.

Which is not to say today’s school kids couldn’t tell you a historically significant fact about June 15. They certainly could. “Hey, I know that one,” they’d say. “June 15 is Ice Cube’s birthday. I read all about him in my history book. He got a whole chapter, and he’s da bomb, like totally awesome!”

When I was a kid, we wouldn’t have listened to anything called an “Ice Cube.” The only ice cubes we had would melt if we held them up to our ears, as opposed to this more recent model, who probably wouldn’t

All we knew about “da bomb,” was that it was a bad thing which we celebrated by hiding under “da desk.” On the plus side, we had actual history books. Those books told us about the Magna Carta, and while we probably didn’t know how to pronounce “Thames,” and may have thought that King John’s seal was a house pet he kept in the bathtub, we did know the Magna Carta was an important document, and that our U.S. Constitution wouldn’t have been the same without it. The Magna Carta may have been written almost 600 years before our own Constitution, but since so many of its principles were solid, they still applied in the late 18th Century. Even knotheads like us knew that some things never changed. Eternal verities, I think they were called.

All of which leads to a Fox News report by Diane Macedo. [BLATANT FOX NEWS ENDORSEMENT: I know that there are folks who don’t believe a single thing they hear on Fox, but I see no earthly reason why anyone would make any of this up. It was Fox News, after all, that first uncovered the truth about a sultry, raven-haired young White House Correspondent named Helen Thomas and her tempestuous affair with President Millard Fillmore.] In Ms. Macedo’s June 9, 2010 online article I read the following, and was not a bit surprised:


“A small publishing company is under fire after putting warning labels on copies of the U.S. Constitution, Declaration of Independence and other historical documents.

Wilder Publications warns readers of its reprints of the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, Common Sense, the Articles of Confederation, and the Federalist Papers, among others, that ‘This book is a product of its time and does not reflect the same values as it would if it were written today.’
The disclaimer goes on to tell parents that they ‘might wish to discuss with their children how views on race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, and interpersonal relations have changed since this book was written before allowing them to read this classic work.’”


Apparently “this book” refers to the documents reprinted in the 2008 edition of “Foundations of Freedom.” Once again the PC Police and the academic community have run amok. I know the academic community; I lived there, once, but had to move out due to zoning restrictions. If the good, sensitive souls at Wilder Publications ever get their hands on the Magna Carta, which we all know is about a King abusing his seal, and contains a whole lot of that nasty “habeas corpus” stuff, their disclaimer will undoubtedly be longer than the original document.

But while the goobers at Wilder Publications are busy writing silly disclaimers about dangerous documents like the Constitution, not everybody wastes time on such foolishness. There are lots of other kinds of foolishness, some of which are at least a bit more entertaining.

According to an AOL news article by David Moye, Gil and Nancy Riegler, two very normal-looking owners of the Oasis Camel Farm in Ramona, California, will start on June 16 living for two weeks at the San Diego County Fair, surviving solely on “dried dates, bottled water and the milk from two lactating camels they are bringing from the farm.”

Their mission is to illustrate to the American public that consuming large quantities of dates and camel milk for an extended period of time will prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Attends Breathable Briefs are more absorbant than Depends Maximum Protection Adult Diapers. No, seriously, the couple, both in their 40s, tout the health benefits of camel milk, which include more vitamin C than cow’s milk, antibacterial and antiviral properties, and an insulin-like protein which survives the camel’s digestive tract and may help human diabetics to spit great distances with amazing accuracy.

Sorry.

Moye says that current U.S. law prohibits anyone other than camel owners from consuming camel milk. He adds:


“In order to make things as difficult as possible, fair visitors are being asked to pick the five foods that the ... couple should gorge on before they start slurping up camel milk. Some of those foods that are likely contenders include: a zucchini weenie, which is a hot dog shoved inside a zucchini before being deep-fried, chocolate-covered bacon, and Nancy’s favorite, a cinnamon roll.

... Next year, the couple want to test their camel milk theory by spending a month wandering through the California desert doing their milk-and-date diet accompanied by a lactating camel, two riding camels, and a pack camel.”


If federal regulators ever allow the Rieglers to market their camel milk, perhaps the geniuses at Wilder Publications can help them with the 5,000 disclaimers required on each and every label.