By Tim Sanders

My nephew Billy and his wife Wendi gave birth earlier this month to a fine baby boy. Actually, only Wendi gave birth, but since Billy was there to offer technical advice and moral support, I feel he should get some credit, too. He did not faint, or even go all wobbly in the knees during the delivery, which is always much more stressful for new fathers than it is for new mothers. The baby, William Christopher, weighed 7 lbs. 8 oz., and we were sent photos by Marilyn’s sister and her family. We also found photos on the East Alabama Medical Center website, in a section called "Stork Bytes," which carries names and photos of all the babies born in that Opelika facility over the past 12 months.

We looked at William, and then took an impartial look at several dozen other infants just to see how he stacked up, appearance-wise. I can honestly say that, in my unbiased opinion (and Marilyn concurs), almost all of the other babies looked like either Winston Churchill or Mr. Magoo, but our new grand nephew was the spitting image of Brad Pitt. Marilyn says it’s obviously due to good genes.

But this week’s column has more to do with babies’ names than with their appearance. After all, a baby’s looks can change over the years, but his name will stick with him for the rest of his life. My cousin Marlon "Muskrat" Sanders, for example, was an astonishingly beautiful child until, at around age 6, his new front teeth came in. They were the only two permanent teeth he ever had, yet they stood out like automobile grillwork. And when his ears began to outgrow his head, he looked like a ‘48 Buick Roadmaster with both doors open. If it hadn’t been for his name and the resulting circus career, his life would have been dismal indeed.

Early Stone Age man did not name his children. We know this because not a one of the ancient cave drawings is signed. And those primitive artists, had they been given actual names, would certainly have signed their work. Artists are like that. I don’t know how the process of naming babies evolved over the centuries, but my guess would be that it all started as a very practical solution to a serious problem.

As Earth’s population grew, it became necessary to name children so that parents would know what to call them when they began tormenting the family’s livestock. "YOU–THE SHORT ONE WITH NO LOINCLOTH OVER THERE–leave that chicken alone!" Long sentences like that made discipline a tedious affair, and often by the time such an order was issued, the short child with no loincloth had already drowned the chicken and was in the process of baptizing the cat. "THOR, STOP THAT!!" was much more effective.

When I was a youngster, most children were given simple, unimaginative names. The prevailing theory in those days was that it was best to give a child the kind of name that would not result in the other kids beating the stew out of him once he got into grade school. Our schools were just chock full of Bills and Bobs and Jims, and even a Tim or two. But Percivals and Poindexters were as rare as hen’s teeth. And it was just as well. Percys and Dexters had a rough time of it. Now all of that has changed.

I know it has changed, because I studied the names on that "Stork Bytes" website, and it soon became obvious that creativity, not self-preservation, is the name of the game in the new naming game. Here are just a few of my favorites, which are actually taken verbatim from the East Alabama Medical Center website (the last names were omitted by the hospital to protect the identities of the children and their parents):

Fancy Denise, Heavenly Zhailiia, LaDavius Kay’Traun, Reign Z’ion, Makylee Queen, Shi’Miracle Lashon, De’Narvious Artell, Ja’Querious Demarquez, QuinJavis Tremaine, Ke’Zeiah Mo’Net, Destiny La’Trice, Javis Octavia II, Cortavious Markel, Tucker Bush, Khamar MiLijah De’Nique. La’Kayla Ta’Maya, Jagger Creed, E’Lazia Sa’niya, Chloe Moana, LeStat Thomas Lee, Mar Kel Keyshawn, Kenyon Marickus ReShawn, Phalathian Lloyd, Tristan Dooley, Zantavious TyQuan, Larry Jaquavion, Zy’Keria Lakendra Naeshon, Jayla Anshavious, River Wade, Di’Kodah Tyshawn, Monkevair Trendell, Sir’Vaughn DeLance, Kal-El K., Antarrious Jayvyon, Zaccheous JaSavion, Ja’Kira DeAsia, Brooklyn Milan, Ja’Quavious Isaiah, Dontarion JaQuan, Ja’Tavious Daeshawn, Ka’Javia Sa’Naz, Andy Duc, Ty Quayvion Ahmaud, Miketayveious Lamarcus, Jayden Kamarious, Phoenix Queentina, Alpha-Kaylee Jamah, Sencoria Unique, Klanden Overia, Key’Dashia ShaBrande, Devon Taye, La-Dre-Roy, Zy’licia D’shun, and Cor’Nelius Laquan.

All of those are actual names on the website, as is this name, given to a 7 lb. 15 oz. baby boy born on December 6, 2006:

De’Love O’Christ.

I found my old high school yearbook, and gazed at photo after photo of Toms, Larrys, Beckys, Garys, Phils, Pamelas and so on and so forth. What a pathetic bunch we were. Our names lacked the sparkle of today’s crop of names. I realize now that our parents had absolutely no originality at all when it came to naming their children.

And when I look at our own grown sons’ names, I must admit that Marilyn and I didn’t do much better. With just a little diligence, and some imagination on our part, Steve and Dave could be loquacious and gregarious today. I think both Loquacious Sanders and Gregarious Sanders have a nice ring to them. With or without apostrophes.