By Tim Sanders

Gas, gas, gas–we’re all complaining about it. The gas dilemma has divided our nation into two groups:

a) Those who say they’ll solve the problem by avoiding bean burritos altogether, and

b) Those who do not eat bean burritos because they can’t afford to drive their Hummers across town to the Mexican restaurant.

This column will address the concerns of those in the second group, who strongly object to paying $4.50 a gallon for regular gasoline, which should by all rights be cheaper than it used to be due to the fact that all of that valuable lead has been extracted at the refinery and recycled into fishing sinkers by the oil companies. Your humble columnist has done extensive research into gas saving strategies that you, the typical gasoline consumer, can employ to save as much as–yes–several pennies a month.

HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE - Before you complain too much, we need to put the rising cost of gasoline into some sort of understandable historical perspective. Yes, it is true that in the late 1950s my dad would drive forty miles out of his way to take advantage of price wars in Grand Rapids, where service stations would sometimes drop their prices to as low as 17 cents per gallon just to annoy their competitors, but that means nothing. He could likewise remember times, in the oil rich 1920s, when gas stations were bribing customers with eggs, poultry and aluminum drinking glasses just to sample their gas. Any economist worth his salt will tell you that when you compare today’s gas prices to those of decades past, you must adjust your numbers for inflation. This means that although you may soon be looking at $5 a gallon for low octane, unleaded gasoline, you’re already paying that much for a gallon of low octane, unleaded 2% milk, which, as the label clearly states, is only 2% milk and 98% water! Economists tell you that to make you feel better.

TIME-TESTED STRATEGIES - Speaking of my dad and gas prices, you should know that these gas saving strategies are nothing new to me. I was raised by a father who was somewhat frugal. No, calling Dad somewhat frugal would be like calling Michael Moore somewhat portly. Dad survived the Great Depression, and as far as his lifestyle went, he’d shot past Frugal Street, all the way to the corner of Miserly Avenue and Depressingly Cheap Boulevard long before I came along. Even when gasoline was under 20 cents a gallon, he would drive as slowly as possible just to conserve that valuable commodity. He was the kind of guy who, after pumping gas at the service station, would shake the gas nozzle to get every last drop into his tank. He bought a new Studebaker Champion in 1951 because it was small, aerodynamic and got excellent gas mileage. Even with that economical little bullet-nosed Studebaker, on trips to Florida, traveling some of those long, descending stretches of Smoky Mountain roads, he’d put the car in neutral, turn the ignition off and coast downhill. Had he been able to rig a mast and set a sail on top of that Studebaker, I’m sure he would have. By the way, on those rare occasions when he bought Sunoco custom-blended gas, he never opted for the high priced, high octane blend (basically jet fuel), but instead selected the lowest priced blend (like pumping five gallons of Wildroot Cream Oil into your tank).

REGULAR MAINTENANCE - All of the experts agree that one of the most critical strategies for reducing gas consumption involves regular vehicle maintenance. Many years ago my wife, our two sons and I went tent camping in a state park at Grayton Beach, Florida. After spending a couple of days at the park, we drove to a laundromat, and on the way noticed a bizarre whistling noise coming from our car. The whistle only occurred when we exceeded 25 mph, and it followed us all the way to the laundromat. As we increased our speed, the whistling got louder. Our car did not normally whistle at us, so we were concerned. Next door to the laundromat was a service station with a mechanic on duty. I told him about the noise, and he asked me to take him for a ride down the road so he could analyze it. I drove, and he analyzed, and once back he put the car on the hoist and inspected several things, after which we traveled a few miles down the road again. He listened intently. Same whistling sound. Back at the service station, he examined each and every brake pad, checked wheel bearings, and greased several things with which I was unfamiliar. He was sure that would take care of it. Down the road we went again, with Marilyn and the boys watching from the laundromat window. Same whistling noise. He saw this as a test of his manhood. "I swear I’ll find it and fix it," he said. Twice more he adjusted and inspected and loosened and retightened things, and twice more we traveled down Highway 98 and back, car whistling like a 1972 Ford Tea Kettle. Finally, as the mechanic was about to slit his wrists, Marilyn came out and said she’d had a thought, and perhaps what we’d heard was the wind whistling through the luggage rack. I told her that was silly, because we’d driven the car all the way from northern Alabama to the Gulf Coast without hearing so much as a tweet. The mechanic agreed that she was way off base because a) he was a mechanic, and b) we were both guys. But since we’d bought the luggage rack and loaded it before we began our trip, she said, this was the first time we’d driven the car with an empty luggage rack. So we removed it, just to show Marilyn how useless it was for women to meddle in highly technical things like auto mechanics, and drove down the highway again. This time all was quiet, except for the mechanic, who used some bad language. He was a nice guy, however, and only charged me "the price of a six pack" for his trouble. And the lesson you can learn from this is that if you want to avoid driving up and down the highway and wasting a whole lot of very expensive gas, postpone regular vehicle maintenance until something irreplaceable–for example a wheel or a transmission–falls off your vehicle. Whistling noises mean nothing.

TO SUMMARIZE - 1. Drive slowly. 2. Coast downhill. 3. Fly a mainsail, staysail, and genoa jib atop your subcompact Chevy Aveo and let me know how that works out. 4. Make your car more aerodynamic by removing nonessential, wind resistant accessories like side-view mirrors, windshield wipers and luggage racks. 5. We did not cover car pooling, but since co-workers only add weight to your vehicle, and are notoriously unreliable, we advise against it. 6. When computing your gas mileage, adjust for inflation.