Road Apples by Tim Sanders
June 25, 2012
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Alabamer Grammar goes off the tracks This week’s grammar column is not your regular grammar column. It comes only after hours and hours of painstaking research which revealed to me that, as a highly trained professional journalist with absolutely no mental instability worth mentioning, I was getting a terrific headache and couldn’t think of anything else to write about. By which I mean grammar, not the headache. Good grammar, particularly in these times of worldwide societal upheaval, is what separates intelligent human beings from the lower life forms, like for example centipedes, various fungal infections, and politicians. So, without further fanfare, we shall commence with the Q and A part, without which this column would be much shorter. Q: Since you brought it up, where does the word “upheaval” come from? A: It comes from the two Latin words, “up” and “heaval,” which, when put together, describe something which was just recently heaved upwards, or was heaved up, as the case may be. Q: Like in: “After the chocolate covered corn dog eating contest, Bob accidentally stepped in Larry’s upheaval.”? A: Exactly. Q: Daddy he always says he “commenced” to do such and such. Why doesn’t he just say “started?” A: Your dad is from the Old Southern School, where extra credit was always given for students who used “commenced” because it carried with it the idea of starting and continuing, rather than just starting and then suddenly stopping something due to either bad weather or health-related problems. Q: Huh? A: As in: 1. Byron started his John Deere. (CORRECT) 2. Byron commenced his John Deere. (INCORRECT) 3. Byron started his John Deere and would have commenced to plow all three acres if it hadn’t come up a cloud which sent the lightning bolt that knocked him off his tractor and melted his distributor cap. (CLARIFIED) Q: If train A leaves Piedmont traveling southwest toward Jacksonville at 50 mph, and train B leaves Jacksonville traveling northeast toward Piedmont at 45 mph, at what point to you suppose the engineers will notice that the tracks were replaced several years ago by the Chief Ladiga bicycle trail? A: No complex math questions, please. We only do grammar here. Q: So last Monday I put my English paper on how to consummate a verb into Mrs. Listers mailbox and she sent it back and wrote on it she couldn’t grade it because school had been out sincet all most a month now and I should of been more punctual. What did she mean by that? A: Teachers place a lot of importance on punctuality. Nothing dresses up an essay, or a simple sentence, like punctuation marks. Teachers love ‘em. For example, read the following sentence carefully: 1. Yesterday evening I seen a bobcat walking back from the outhouse in Mommas bathrobe. As you’ve probably noticed, that sentence is confusing. But with punctuation, you get: 2. Yesterday, evening; I seen: a “bobcat” walking; back from the outhouse ... in Momma’s bathrobe! The second sentence makes no more sense than the first one, but any teacher worth his or her salt will give you credit for all of that excellent punctuality. [HINT: They love semicolons.] Q: I’m always hearing people say “It is what it is.” What is that supposed to mean? A: It is supposed to mean what it is supposed to mean. For example, “It is what it is” means the opposite of “It isn’t what it is,” or “It is what it isn’t,” both of which are popular political phrases which are never what they are. Q: Last week I was walking into Walmarks behind Lootie and my sister Doreen who is engaged to him and I says to Doreen very quiet like that them fish net hosieries of hers is looking kindly ratty and she ort to buy her some new ones and she stops right there and turns around very sudden and hits me in the face right below the checkout sign. I tole her there weren’t no need for that and she tole me “Leon, you got a big mouth and you ort to keep it shut in public and so–” A: I know I shouldn’t ask, but curiosity compels me. Why did she hit you? Q: Well sir, later while Lootie was over in electronics looking for batteries for his nose hair trimmer she snatched holt of my ear and tole me “Leon, I ain’t wearing no hosieries, and what you seen was spider vains which was caused by that time in the tanning booth when through no fault of my own I fell asleep and there wasn’t nobody there to wake me up because the attendant had gone to McDonalds for a Big Mac and fries and–” A: I’d be willing to bet there’s a grammar question embedded in your soliloquy somewhere. Q: My who? A: Grammar, grammar, GRAMMAR! Q: Oh yeah! So later when I tole Momma about Doreen balling up her fist and hitting me she said “From now on, Leon, when you tell that story, you ort to say doubled up her fist, not balled up her fist. It sounds more ladylike.” Which would you recommend? A: In your case, I’d recommend both. Q: After our Wednesday night service me and brother Jennings was discussing whether the Lord would approve of invoking executive privilege and what did God think of eliminating all capital gains taxes and so on and so forth and I suggested we should have a word of prayer and we did and then I drew a line in the gravel driveway with my foot and he stepped over it and– A: Is this you again, Leon? Q: How did you know? A: Just a wild guess. What is your grammar question this time? Q: If there is kicking after a prayer, does the prayer still count? Or do I have to ask for forgiveness afterward? A: Ask again. Just to be on the safe side. Q: Okay then, if there is kicking after a prayer– A: I mean ask for forgiveness again. Q: Oh. Okay. A: Bless you, my son. Keep those grammar questions coming in. Or you may keep them to yourself, and we’ll come up with some of our own. |