Road Apples
June 29, 2009


Barack becomes a no-fly zone

By Tim Sanders

In these times of economic uncertainty at home and social unrest abroad, it is reassuring to know that there are still those among us who keep a close watch on our leaders to make sure they don’t just ... well, run amok. Such a man is Bruce Friedrich. Like many of us, Mr. Friedrich watched and listened carefully as President Obama was interviewed at the White House by CNBC’s John Harwood on Tuesday, June 16. Mr. Friedrich is the Vice-President of Policy and Government Affairs for a huge multi-national organization dedicated to improving living conditions for certain of the less fortunate among us. He considered the monumental import of the subjects discussed, carefully weighed each presidential statement, analyzed Obama’s speech patterns and body language, and then made a public statement of his own, which pretty much summed up his opinion of the president’s performance:


“Swatting a fly on TV indicates he’s not perfect ... and we wish he hadn’t!”


That’s right, the president swatted a fly–on camera. And while others may have been worried about trivialities like the national deficit, health care costs, and international terrorism, Mr. Friedrich had his own set of priorities. That’s because, if you hadn’t already guessed, that multi-national organization he works for is PETA. And nothing gets by those PETA guys!

I watched a video of the fly swatting incident. During the interview, a fly violated the Presidential Air Space and distracted the president.

The president issued an executive order to the insect to “Get out of here!” but the fly ignored the order and continued to buzz the target area.

Obama waited until the fly landed to refuel, slowly lifted his hand and smote it.

“Now, where were we?” Obama asked, and added: “That was pretty impressive, wasn’t it? I got the sucker.”

The president then pointed to the floor, where the camera focused on the insect’s corpse. The fly was dead, but apparently there was no collateral damage.
Now I am not what you would call an enthusiastic Obama fan. He has enough of those, he doesn’t need me. But in this case I must defend him. It was one of his very best performances, and I’ll admit I couldn’t have swatted a fly with the style and aplomb he displayed. The whole fly swatting thing, to me, was worth sitting through three-quarters of the interview, even if the rest of it seemed to lack the dramatic flair of the earlier part. I waited, and vainly hoped for another fly, but none appeared. Regardless, I’m sure that given his fly swatting ability, international troublemakers will realize he’s not the kind of guy you want to mess with, especially if you are a sneaky little six-legged insect with an enlarged abdomen, huge head and compound eyes. North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il is understandably quaking in his multiple boots.

According to a June 18 AP article, PETA will be sending the president a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, “a device that allows users to trap a housefly and then release it outside.” More compassion, less carnage is their motto. I found a photo of the product on the PETA website, and the notion behind it is to sneak up on the fly while softly humming “We are the World” and lower this little gadget over the fly, slowly sliding a trapdoor shut until you can take the little fellow outside and release him. The ad I read said the item was on backorder, and wouldn’t be ready to ship until July 6, which may mean that President Obama will have to wait for his.

But whether you are a PETA supporter, or an Obama devotee, here are some questions you need to ponder given the serious housefly crisis our nation is facing:


1. Had President Obama humanely trapped that fly and carried it out into the Rose Garden, wouldn’t fourteen backup flies have flown in while the screen door was open?

2. Would the relocation effort have caused him to lose his train of thought (Obama, not the fly)?

3. Was the martyred fly inherited from the Bush administration, or did the president bring it with him from Chicago?

4. Speaking of which, if Obama never swatted Rev. Wright, Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko or Rod Blagojevich in Chicago, why would he bother swatting just one insignificant little pest in the White House?

5. Had that fly registered a flight plan with the FAA?

6. Could it have been part of a terrorist cell?

7. Is it possible that the fly in question was simply an undocumented fly from south of the border, looking for benefits for her 50,000 dependent larvae?

8. Had Obama looked at that fly as a potential voter, would he have changed his mind about the preemptive strike?

9. Given their attraction to trash, is it merely coincidence that there are trillions and trillions of flies in Washington D.C.?

10. What about global warming, which we are absolutely sure is connected to the rising fly population, somehow?


Those are the kinds of questions that need to be answered. In the meantime, if the president really wants to get back into PETA’s good graces, he might consider creating a new Federal Cockroach Resettlement Program. It would allow urban households with an abundance of roaches to abandon the old, inhumane Black Flag Roach Motel solution and instead conduct roach roundups and send busloads of their cuddly little friends to roach deprived homes in the suburbs. The president could set aside a few billion in stimulus funds and appoint a Cockroach Czar and everything. What the heck!