Road Apples
June 30, 2008

Yet another verbal ledge

By Tim Sanders

Many years ago, back when the Reader’s Digest had much more content and many fewer advertisements, that publication ran a regular feature called "The Verbal Edge." This was a grammar feature, not to be confused with other Reader’s Digest grammar features like "Toward More Picturesque Speech" or "It Pays to Increase Your Word Power."

We here at the Sanders Institution forgot to take our medication one day and got a terrific headache, which resulted in the outright theft of that old Reader’s Digest Verbal Edge concept. We called ours "The Verbal Ledge." We used the metaphor of a grammatically-impaired traveler crossing the rocky foothills of rudimentary grammar, climbing the intimidating bluffs of phraseology, scaling the unforgiving face of Mount Verbiage and finally perching atop the narrow Verbal Ledge. Then we explained how that weary traveler, overcome by the light, intoxicating air on that ledge, might spy a word–one he’d always admired but lacked the confidence to use–fluttering just beyond his grasp. We envisioned him making a wild attempt to snatch that word from the ether and make it his own. "INVETERATE - When his opponent called him an inveterate liar, Senator Quagmire replied that he most certainly did have a spinal column, and had the X-rays to prove it." This, of course, was immediately followed by a scream as our hero sensed his mistake and plunged headlong from his verbal perch into the gaping jaws of Malaprop Chasm. Or at least that’s how I remember it.

To our credit, even if we did borrow the idea from the Reader’s Digest people, and even if we did hallucinate a great deal before we completed even the second paragraph of that column, we still offered some examples of blunders that readers might encounter which could send them falling from their own imaginary little Verbal Ledges and convince friends and business associates that they were idiots. Or possibly, political candidates.

Here are some more:

WRONG - "More steps you can take to help manage your cholesterol along with your doctor." (This caption appeared in a K-Mart Pharmacy mailer which contained information about the drug Zetia.)

The caption is misleading. You may indeed be able to manage your cholesterol with medication, diet, and exercise, but managing your doctor is another proposition altogether.

RIGHT - "More steps you can take to help manage several things, including your cholesterol, your business affairs and possibly a Little League baseball team."

THE LEDGE - Any nurse will tell you that while cholesterol is manageable, most doctors are not. Even if you should get yours cornered in the examining room, remember that he is licensed to carry concealed medical implements, and has spent many hours at the scalpel and forceps range, practicing. You could lose an eye. Or an appendix.

WRONG - "This afternoon there will be a fascinating seminar on steroid use, exercise, and sex with former tennis greats Martina Navratilova and Billie Jean King."

Don’t take it for granted that a future event will be "fascinating." Let the audience make that determination.

RIGHT - "This afternoon there will be a seminar on steroid use and exercise, followed by sex with former tennis greats Martina Navratilova and Billie Jean King. You may want to go out for coffee when they get to the sex part."

THE LEDGE - Never purchase tickets to a three-day workshop without researching it first.

WRONG - "Me and Earl we donated a live Holstein cow to Momma’s Red Hat Society which gives ten gallons of milk per day."

Clumsy sentence construction can annoy listeners. For example, the word "live" is unnecessary. Most listeners would assume the cow was a live cow, since the gift of a dead cow would be absolutely useless. Likewise, you should never start a sentence with the phrase "Me and Earl."

RIGHT - "Myself and Earl we donated a Holstein cow to Momma’s Red Hat Society, some of the members of which are way younger than Momma."

THE LEDGE - The ten gallon reference is more information than any reasonable person would need, or want.


WRONG - "When I asked Momma why Aunt Charlene wanted us to call her ‘AWNT’ Charlene she said she reckoned it was because she just preferred the dipthong which I didn’t know she wore because of her really long skirts and also because I didn’t think they made them in that size."

That is a run-on sentence which requires substantial punctuation.

RIGHT - "Momma, like, said: ‘Aunt Charlene’s uncomfortable undergarments, they make her, like, pronounce words ... funny!!!’"

THE LEDGE - Sometimes it's best if family secrets just remain family secrets.


WRONG - "Out, damned spot! Out, I say!–One: two: why, then, ’tis time to do’t.–Hell is murky!–Fie, my lord, fie!"

Horrible grammar. Awful punctuation. You’d better hope your kid’s English teacher never sees it. Calm down and try again. This time remember to avoid repetition, capitalize the dog’s name, and delete the reference to Hell.

RIGHT - "Please, dear DeWayne, when you find the time, put your sweet little Shitzu, the one who just decorated my new carpet, outside, and then clean up the mess ... if you don’t mind. Oh yes, and by the way, FIE, sweetheart!"

THE LEDGE - We have no idea what "fie" means, but never compose sentences when you are overwrought. Take a pill. Wait until you are underwrought.

WRONG - "Standing all pink and proud, resplendent in his luxuriant fromage, the stately Florida flamingo adds grace and beauty to his surroundings."
The problem here, of course, is that many Americans do not realize that "fromage" is not synonymous with "plumage," but only a kind of soft, French cheese. You should clarify the sentence.

RIGHT - "Standing all pink and proud, resplendent in his luxuriant soft, French cheese, the stately Florida flamingo adds grace and beauty to his surroundings."

THE LEDGE - If the flamingo in question is standing in the Everglades with his foot stuck in soft French cheese, we would expect him to attract hungry alligators. Personally, we’d rather see a French mime out in the middle of that vast swamp, standing all pink and proud, knee deep in his own fromage. And we’d like to have a video camera there, too.