By Tim Sanders

I often receive letters and emails from readers who take issue with certain statements I’ve made in my columns. I save those letters, and print copies of the emails. Some provide me with valuable feedback about information I may have overlooked, others teach me which topics need to be approached with more delicacy, and still others are very handy when it comes to soaking up that nasty oil spot our van always leaves on the carport.

Here are a few of those letters, and my responses to them:

Mr. Sanders,

In your June 11, 2007 column, you made several predictions about life in the year 2107. One of your predictions was, and I quote:

"Fourteen million Americans will enter Mexico illegally this year, lured by that nation’s high standard of living, excellent health care system, and the prospect of employment in Guadalajara’s rich guacamole fields."

You are a nincompoop! Just because guacamole is available in Mexican restaurants, you seem to think it grows in fields down there, and may be harvested and bottled. Do you even know what guacamole is? Have you never heard of the AVOCADO?

Herb E.
Singleton, Vermont
 

Herbie,
If you think that I am just your average, run-of-the-mill nincompoop, you are underestimating me. I know all about guacamole. I used the term "guacamole fields" in the same sense that some people refer to oil fields, despite the fact that nobody ever harvests oil from fields, either. No, the guacamole deposits are located in the upper layers of the earth’s crust, just above the toxic refried bean and methane deposits. Those guacamole deposits can only be accessed by drilling. The crude guacamole is then shipped in barrels to guacamole refineries, where it is purified, and the attractive green tint is added. If all of that sounds familiar to you, Herbie, it is because in your home state of Vermont, the maple syrup industry operates the same way. I’m sure you’ve noticed the huge number of sap derricks dotting the landscape up there. It is well known that unless more guacamole drilling is permitted in the Gulf of Mexico, within the next decade the price of a barrel of crude guacamole will quadruple. I read that somewhere.

As to the Avocado, I don’t really know why you brought that up, but yes, I’ve heard of it. If memory serves, I even tried that particular dance when I was attending the 14th Annual Tequila Fest in Detroit.

I hope this answers your concerns, and also serves to educate you. None of us is too old to learn.
 

Hey Fool,
I am sick and tired of your nasty comments about the great state of Ohio. I know you are from Michigan. I know you resent the fact that the OSU football team has dominated your beloved U of M sissies for the past couple of years, but you need to be fair. There are no more goofy people in Ohio than there are in Michigan, percentage-wise.

Skip E.
Columbus, Ohio

Okay then, Skippy,
Here are excerpts from a June 22, 2007 item by Mark Puente, Cleveland Plain Dealer reporter:

"BRUNSWICK – Police thought they had nailed just one scofflaw early Sunday morning, but as people arrived to help Jeanne Nadvit, the arrests kept coming.
Nadvit, 18, was in custody, charged with felony fleeing, after leading a state trooper on a car chase through the Hickory Hills neighborhood. The chase ended when Nadvit crashed her car into the bedroom of a home on Judita Drive ...

... Trapped in the car, Nadvit called her friend Stephanie Kasco for bail money.

When Kasco, 19, of Brunswick, arrived on foot, police noticed that she was intoxicated and promptly arrested her for underage drinking.

Then tow-truck driver Jonathon Ward, 35, of Medina arrived to pull the car out of the house. But his demeanor seemed strange to police. He, too, wound up being charged–with drunken driving."

So there you are, Skippy. That article only confirms my contention that there is something destructive in Ohio’s environment, possibly brain worms.

Suffice it to say that three absolutely random people were drawn to a single address from various locations in the greater Cleveland area, and all three were promptly arrested. Percentage-wise, that’s 100 percent. In Columbus, I’m sure the percentage would be twice as high. I rest my case.

Tim,
I read your June 18th column, "Mastering the New Name Game," and noticed that on June 22, The Wall Street Journal carried a similar piece by Alexandra Alter called "The Baby-Name Business." Like your column, this article gave examples of strange names given to innocent babies by neurotic parents. Ms. Alter listed names like Nevaeh (heaven spelled backward) and Zayden (nedyaz spelled backward?). She also mentioned actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter, Apple Martin, and actor Jason Lee’s son, Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf-Lee. She added that Jon and Lisa Stone of Lynnwood, Washington actually considered naming their son "Flynn." But this article made the point that people are now paying a lot of money to professional name consultants to help them name their babies. Online name websites, baby name books and board certified namologists have turned baby naming into a thriving business. I’ll bet you didn’t know that, did you?

Travis T.
Leesburg, Alabama
 

Travis,
I’m not surprised to see that The Wall Street Journal has stolen another one of my column ideas and pawned it off as their own. And incidentally, I’ve already started my very own baby-naming business. I’m running a special this month on three very low mileage names, "Tripod," "Leviticus," and "Oat." Five bucks apiece. In case of multiple births, if you purchase all three names, I’ll throw in "Rose Aphid" at no extra charge. That’s easily a $200 value for just fifteen bucks, plus shipping and handling. Here at the Sanders Baby Name Emporium, we buy wholesale and pass the savings on to our customers. I’d like to see Ms. Alter and the rest of those horse thieves at The Wall Street Journal match our prices.