Road Apples by Tim Sanders
July 5, 2010
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Alabamer Grammar Revisited Words. We use them daily, but do we ever really sit and ponder their meaning? Well, of course not! We have better things to do. It’s summertime, and what with trimming our toenails so we’ll look good on the beach, and shaving the cat, who has time to worry about words? Well, there are a few folks out there who have no cats, and no toenails, either. This column is dedicated to them, and to their questions. Q: Our teacher told us all to go home this weekend and think of the most irritating word in the English language, and then the class would vote and select the winner next week. What do you think? A: That would be “awesome.” Q: Yeah, like totally awesome! But what word is the most irritating? A: As I said before, that would be “AWESOME!” Q: Huh? A: AWESOME THIS, AWESOME THAT, AWESOME, AWESOMER, AWESOMOST! GAAAAAH! Every time I hear that word, or see it in print, I feel like my head will explode and scatter bad word shrapnel all around the neighborhood. The word “awesome” should be licensed, and those who fire it off at random should be jailed, or sent somewhere far away. Wrapped from head to toe in duct tape. Q: So wasn’t awesome once a respectable word? A: Yes. “Awesome” meant “Amazing or awe-inspiring; unmatched in scope and grandeur; majestic.” CORRECT: Whether contemplating the Grand Canyon, the magnificent spectacle at Niagra, or indeed the vast array of galaxies and stars visible at night by the naked eye, man is constantly reminded of just how awesome his universe is. INCORRECT: Hey dude, like that nipple ring is awesome! Q: So what’s wrong with an awesome nipple ring? A: To be awesome, a nipple ring would have to be the size of a truck tire. Q: Oh, that would be SOOOO totally awesome! A: And just when I’d have bet there was no way to make “awesome” any more irritating, you managed to throw “SOOO” and “totally” into the mix. Q: I recently heard a political candidate say: “I’ve never made promises to county residents that weren’t kept.” Where do you think he kept those county residents, and did he ever turn them loose? A: We can only hope he kept them in a cool, dry warehouse to avoid spoilage. And if his promise was to turn them loose, and if he was a politician, then of course he never did. Q: Yesterday a customer said “Give me a double Monsterburger with cheese, onions, lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise, and hold the mustard.” I done it, but after he drove off I seen there weren’t no sense to holding that mustard any more, so I sat it down on the counter. So in a few minutes he come back all hopping mad and opened up his burger and pointed to the inside and said he had told me to hold the mustard, which I told him I did and only just sat it down a couple of minutes after he left because I didn’t think he’d mind, and he called me a nasty name and I said he could hold his own mustard and told him where he could hold it, too, and one thing led to another and so now I’m out of a job for not holding his mustard long enough. A: And your question is? Q: Where was I? A: Not holding the mustard. Q: Oh yeah. Eugene the manager he told me he didn’t want me coming back to pester him because he’d had it up to here with disgruntled ex-employees. What does disgruntled mean? A: “Dis” is a Latin word meaning “definitely not,” and “gruntled” is the past tense of “gruntle,” and we all know what “gruntle” means. Apparently holding or not holding your mustard had nothing to do with losing your job. You obviously lost your job for not gruntling loudly enough over the speaker. Or perhaps for excessive gruntling, and now, since you aren’t working there anymore, you are definitely not. Gruntled, that is. Clear? Q: I seen this commercial which says you can get you a microwave pasta steamer which is a $50 value, with an extra one thrown into the deal, all for $10. That’s $100 worth of pasta steamers for $10 plus shipping and handling. How can they afford to do that? A: There are three possibilities. Either 1) the company that produces the steamer is owned by an eccentric billionaire who just loves giving really swell stuff away to deserving customers like yourself, 2) shipping and handling will amount to at least $100, or 3) for your $10 (plus shipping and handling) you will receive 7 cents worth of plastic molded into a couple of crummy pasta steamers, and learn over the next few months that your phone number and credit card info are on a massive Moron List which is circulating among a nest of telemarketers with names like Bahubali and Musheer and Nandan, who will devote a large portion of their lives to driving you insane with sales calls. Q: Speaking of shipping and handling, just what do they mean by “handling,” anyway? A: Every single product you purchase over the phone must, by federal law, be handled by at least three members of the National Cheap Hunks of Crap Handlers Union. This involves squeezing the product, poking it with sharp objects, pulling at each corner so as to test its tensile strength, bouncing it off the wall, dribbling it to make sure any delicate electrical parts are in as many pieces as possible, and rubbing it vigorously to ensure that it can absorb sweat. This process can take a very long time, and federal handlers are paid by the hour. Some products are so well handled that by the time they arrive in the mail nothing is left but a box full of styrofoam chips and a little grease spot. Next time we will answer the age-old question: If you were to shave your tomcat with pruning shears, would you have actually shaved him, or only pruned him? |