Road Apples by Tim Sanders
July 12, 2010

A duck by any other name would still leave a mess on the porch

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It has always seemed reasonable that one would give a child the kind of name he or she wouldn’t feel embarrassed by in later years. My dad’s name was Lloyd Sanders, which was a good, solid Indiana name. But for some reason his parents gave him the middle name “Cleo.”

He never cared for “Cleo,” and told me it was totally unnecessary, since none of his parents’ friends, or relatives, or ancestors, had ever been afflicted with the name. “I guess Mom and Dad were just feeling creative when I was born,” he used to say. He also complained that since his first two initials were L.C., all of his college buddies at Purdue called him “Elsie.”

Children’s names often raise questions about their parents’ motivation. Texas Governor James Stephen Hogg, for example, couldn’t resist naming his daughter “Ima Hogg,” and Bill Lear (father of the Lear Jet) named one of his daughters “Shanda Lear.” I went to school with a very nice girl named “Ermine Featherly,” and another named “Arbutus Wheeler.”

They were fascinating names, but they always made me wonder just what made their parents go in that direction, namewise. The East Alabama Medical Center in Opelika used to publish a website called “Stork Bytes,” with names and photos of babies born there each month. One child, born on December 6, 2006, was named (I swear) “De’Love O’Christ.” The child’s last name was something normal, like Johnson, but as the years pass that probably won’t help much.
All of which brings us to the following, which appeared on the June 27, 2010 CantonRep.com (Stark County, Ohio) Crime Report page:


“ARREST - Donald N. Duck, 51, of 1052 Taggart Ave. NE, was arrested by Massillon police at 5:35 p.m. Saturday after police said he hit a car while in the drive through of Little Caesar’s Pizza, 812 Lincolnway E, according to sheriff’s reports. Duck smelled of alcohol and was in possession of marijuana, police said. Duck was charged with driving while intoxicated and two misdemeanors.”


There was something about that pathetic phrase, “Duck smelled of alcohol and was in possession of marijuana,” that got to me. It was a sad report, but since I am a native Michigander and suspicious of any reports, crime or otherwise, coming out of Ohio, I decided to check the accuracy of the thing. After an exhaustive Internet search (which took two or three minutes) I found several articles affirming both the story and the name. A June 29, AOL News site added that Donald’s middle name was “Norman,” and that he told police he’d taken some prescription medication, had a few drinks, and smoked a little weed before getting the munchies and heading out for some pizza. The article provided a photo of a rather disheveled looking character with shoulder length white hair, and very red eyes. His brows were furrowed and he had the appearance of someone who’d carried a heavy burden for many years, and was looking for someone to blame.

This, of course, makes one wonder just what, if anything, goes through certain people’s alleged minds when they name their children. Maybe “Donald” was the best Mr. and Mrs. Duck could come up with. Perhaps 51 years ago the Ducks discussed names like “Mallard” and “Muscovy” and “Blue Winged Teal,” but none seemed suitable. Then finally a cartoonish little light flickered above Mrs. Duck’s head, and she shouted “DONALD! We can name him ‘Donald Norman!’” Mr. Duck, who was tired of the whole name debate, naturally agreed. By then he would have agreed to “Northern Pintail.”

The first day of each school year must have been very traumatic for poor little Donald Norman Duck, and one can only imagine what he endured at the hands of the other schoolchildren:


TEACHER: “Now, class, I’d like each of you to stand and give your name so everyone will know who you are, while I check my roll. Let’s start with the front row.”

HAROLD: “Harold Spickler.”

EDITH; “Edith Weems.”

GILBERT: “Gilbert Ottley.”

LARRY: “Larry Kelly.”

BOBBY: “Bobby Lester.”

DONALD (still seated): “Mumble, mumble.”

TEACHER: “Stand up. And a little louder please.”

DONALD (stands slowly): “Mumble, mumble, mumble.”

TEACHER: “Please enunciate clearly.”

DONALD: “DONALD DUCK! DONALD NORMAN DUCK! HAPPY NOW?”
CLASS (in unison): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Such scenes would probably explain the world-weary expression (with just a tinge of resentment) on Donald Norman Duck’s face in the photo.

And speaking of that photo, it was only a head shot, but I have it on good authority that, unlike the original Donald Duck, the Massillon, Ohio version was wearing pants. He certainly deserves credit for that.