Road Apples
July 21, 2008

Suspect AMS? Maybe your crustacean tubes are blocked

By Tim Sanders

A few months ago I strayed from my usual frivolity to discuss a grave issue which affects millions of Americans. Many dismiss the problem as trivial, but several readers contacted me and admitted that it worried them, especially when they considered the debilitating consequences such a thing could have on their children and grandchildren.

What I refer to, of course, is the fact that, according to a recent study by the National Institutes of Health, one in five Americans suffers from a serious case of mondegreens. Yes, mondegreens, the condition which causes people with no history of mental illness to misinterpret phrases heard in everyday conversation, in recited poetry, and even in musical lyrics. I explained that the term "mondegreen" was coined by author Sylvia Wright in 1954 to describe how as a child she misheard the lines of a poem her mother read to her at bedtime. Then I offered some examples of common mondegreens.

This elicited responses from several readers. Referring to the old hymn, "Up from the Gravy a Rose," Vickie Battles wrote: "I will never be able to sing ‘He Arose’ again in church and maintain a straight face. When my preacher confronts me with my inappropriate behavior I will direct him to your email address and you can work on that for me, huh?" My sister-in-law, Mary Knoll, sent along some lines from the book "He’s Got the Whole World in His Pants" by Gavin Edwards. One was the misheard phrase "Popeye, I know you’re going to be upset," by Madonna, instead of the original "Papa, I know you’re going to be upset."

One reader, Calvin Johnson, agreed with me that the mondegreen syndrome can infect very young children, and gave me this version of the Pledge of Allegiance which he remembers from childhood:

"Eye patch a legion to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republicans, for Richard stands one naked individual with liver, tea, and Johnsons for all, take your seats."

I’ve heard several misinterpretations of the Pledge, but I particularly enjoyed the way young Calvin personalized his.

Wayne Camp wrote "I liked your Beatles line ‘She’s got a chicken to ride.’ Thanks for clearing that up for me. I always thought it was ‘She’s got a stick in her eye, but she don’t care.’"

Other lyrics which certainly used to confuse me include the famous line from Harry Belafonte’s "Kingston Town," which I heard as, "Down the way where the mice are gay." (I wouldn’t care to see the animated version.)

I’ve talked to others who’ve admitted that they also heard the line in Fats Domino’s "Blueberry Hill" as "though we’re apart, you’ll butter me still." If you were unable to extract "you’re part of me still" from that song, it’s not your fault. Fats was eating a biscuit when he recorded it. Mondegreen sufferers like myself have even been known to interpret the Stevie Wonder line "I was born in Lil’ Rock, had a childhood sweetheart," as "I was born in ‘Lil Rock, had a chocolate sweetheart." It seemed right, somehow.

Sometimes the mondegreen syndrome just leaves the listener without a clue as to the true meaning of a song. Many baby boomers are convinced that there actually was a hit by Kenny Rogers and The First Edition called "Just Stopped in to See What Position Mike’s Transmission Was In." They believe it was a NASCAR anthem. Other senior citizens in the final stages of "the mondegreens" wander around the house singing the Gerry and the Pacemakers hit "Ferry Across the Mersey." They can remember the tune, they can keep the beat, and they can even accompany themselves on the air guitar. But the title, in their minds, remains "Very Customary."

When my wife and I were dating, one of our favorite songs was Van Morrison’s "Brown-Eyed Girl." It had a good beat, and you could dance to it. Oh, okay so I couldn’t dance to it, but that was because I was afflicted with a severe lack of coordination which caused other people on the dance floor to request that I go somewhere and sit down. But even though the song had a good beat and other people could dance to it, figuring out the lyrics was impossible for those of us with "the mondegreens." The song tells the sad tale of a boy who’s lost his girlfriend due to some unfortunate incident which probably occurred on a dance floor somewhere. The singer spends most of the song recalling joyous days when he and his ex-girlfriend were skipping and jumping in the meadow and hopping around under the waterfall and twitching spasmodically in the green grass behind the stadium and doing several other things young folks with nervous disorders liked to do back then. But many of that song’s lines are incomprehensible. Like for example:

"Whatever happened to Tuesday and so slow.

Going down the old mine with a transistor radio."

So I’m sure you can see how goofy lyrics like that might lead mondegreen sufferers to come up with:

"Whatever happened to you stayin’ so slow,
Mowin’ down the old man with your own sister’s radio."

And we won’t even mention the line in Neil Diamond’s "Brother Love’s Travelin’ Salvation Show," which many "mondegreeners" heard as: "Stack up the babies and crabby old ladies."

If you suffer from AMS (Advanced Mondegreen Syndrome), you may want to memorize the following well documented facts. Repeating them to yourself every night at bedtime will prove therapeutic:


Bachman Turner Overdrive never sang "Baking Carrot Biscuits." It was "Taking Care of Business."

Crystal Gale never sang "Doughnuts Make My Brown Eyes Blue." The hundreds of thousands of brown-eyed policemen in this country make the very notion of such a line silly.

Nor did the McCoys ever sing a song called "Hang on Snoopy" about a beagle soaring through the clouds in his Sopwith Camel.

Marcy Blane did not sing "I wanna be Bobby’s Squirrel" in 1962.

In "Angel of the Morning," Merrilee Rush never used the line "Just brush my teeth before you leave me, baby." She only wanted her cheek brushed.

And Deep Purple’s "Smoke on the Water" should never be interpreted as "Snow Covered Walter."