Road Apples by Tim Sanders
July 26, 2010

Internet etiquette from the Mannerly Man Institute


Share |

It is time for another advice column from the Mr. Mannerly Man campus in Gaylesville, which is open for the summer. The campus, that is, not Gaylesville, necessarily. [NOTE: Our decision to offer remedial summer classes is in no way connected to recent outbreaks of really bad manners at several northeast Alabama political meetings during the month of May. Only one of our students was involved, a redshirt freshman who will soon resign his post as commissioner in a neighboring county which will go unnamed, but rhymes with Grunt and is spelled more like Grount. We are happy to report that both he and three of his fellow county commissioners are out of the hospital and well on the road to recovery now.]

Our summer classes were offered this year to provide students with much needed information about Internet Etiquette. In this electronic age, if one does not understand proper Internet Etiquette, one cannot take full advantage of the personal computer, iPad, iPhone, or electronic notebook belonging to one.

Here are some inquiries about computer etiquette, all provided by non-computer whizzes, many of whom still think that their “laptop” is where their wives used to sit before they bulked up.


Q: My computer was very slow, so last week I got an extension cord and some duct tape and an adapter and plugged it into the 220 line the stove runs off of so as to speed it up some. Well then the whole thing, including tower, speakers, monitor, keyboard, and printer, went to smoking and popping, and there was considerable meltage all over my desk. What should I do?

A: This is still America, home of the free and the brave, and therefore you need to sue somebody. Chances are there were no explicit instructions in your manual warning against using that high voltage line. The manufacturer is obviously at fault. Remember to itemize any other furniture in the immediate vicinity which might have been damaged, and list other family members traumatized by the loss of that computer. Take photos. Lawyers love photos.


Q: I’m worried about computer viruses. What do you recommend?

A: If other family members use your keyboard, it doesn’t hurt to scrub it with Lysol each time you use it. If your spouse, for example, has been sneezing near your computer, a surgical mask would be an excellent idea. Most importantly: NEVER, under any circumstances, lick your monitor.


Q: What about Norton?

A: The same rules should apply to your children, goofy names or no goofy names.
 

Q: Lurleen she says it’s polite to always answer every email I get. So yesterday afternoon I emailed Leon to see if he could pick me up for work this morning and he emailed back yes. So since I wanted to be polite, I emailed him back with a thank you, Leon, and he emailed me back and said you’re welcome, Junior. I thought about it for awhile and then emailed him back and told him his your welcome wasn’t necessary, and he emailed me back and said yes it was because wasn’t nobody going to out-polite him, and so I emailed him back and said since I started the whole thing I ort to get the last word in and he emailed me back and said then go ahead and get it if you think you can and I emailed him back and said I did, and goodbye now, Leon, for good and all, and so he emailed me back and said goodbye to you, Junior, and your whole family, too, and he named ‘em all, and so I had to do the same back to him, and apologize for not knowing how to spell Loretter, and this went on until 3 a.m this morning when I fell asleep at the keyboard and so didn’t neither one of us make it to work this morning. How do you know when to stop emailing, anyhow?

A: At some point you just have to quit.


Q: Cold turkey?

A: Cold turkey.


Q: Thank you.

A: You’re welcome.


Q: Right back at ya!

A: Shut up!


Q: I just joined the Facebook community. Now what should I do?

A: Go to the kitchen sink and run cold water over your head. Then hit yourself right between the eyes with a ball peen hammer. Rethink the Facebook idea.


Q: Why?

A: Facebook was designed by evil computer geeks hell bent on destroying Western civilization. You will have to learn to write sentences like these: “We R going 2 C U in Bham this Wkend, rite? SOOOO hap E Lar E will get there B4 us to get tickets cuz we R 2 lame. LOL, HAHAHAHAHAHA, :), :D!” etc. Then you will learn that out of your 5,000 very dear Facebook “Friends,” all seven of the friends you actually know are either acronym infested whiners, showboats, paranoid loons, or religious zealots. If all of that doesn’t dash your illusions on the harsh rocks of reality, then just read some of your own embarrassing entries. Oh yeah, and there’s also identity theft, which will introduce you to Facebook hackers who pass themselves off as nubile young, bikini clad females but are actually pimply-faced teenage Russian boys who want to use your credit information to purchase Internet porn, and possibly a Maserati.


Q: Speaking of identity theft, what is the proper way to handle identity theft?

A: Publish your name, address, Social Security number, driver’s license number, and credit card information on the web. Then immediately change your name, tear up your credit cards, pack a tent, and move out of state. If there is an electrical outlet at your campsite, fill it with chewing gum and cover it with tinfoil. Electricity leaves a trail of electrons which allows computer hackers, through a complex process called electrolysis, to track you down using only your electric toothbrush and dental records.


If you need more information about Internet Etiquette, don’t contact us. We’ll contact you. By snail mail.