By Tim Sanders

[This column has been parked under a tarp in my garage, gathering dust since August 28, 1995. I gave it a new coat of paint, changed the tires, replaced the plugs, gassed it up and drove it over to the newspaper office last Friday. If you happen to remember the original 1995 model, you will note that this one is more streamlined, gets better gas mileage and does not leak a drop of oil.]

Here it is, late July, and another school year looms ahead. That means it is time to ponder a question which has long puzzled educators: "Whatever happened to waiting until after Labor Day to start the school year, as was originally ordained by the Almighty in the book of Genesis?"

Sorry, that is another column altogether. The question we will ponder this week is: "Just what good are IQ tests, anyway?"

The first modern intelligence tests were introduced around the turn of the 20th Century by two French psychologists, Alfred (pronounced FRO-MAGE) Binet and Theodore (les Chipmunks) Simon. These tests were called the Simon-Binet tests until 1916. Then they were republished as the Stanford-Binet tests due to the tireless efforts of educators at that prestigious American university–Purdue. If you have worried for years that your measured IQ was not exactly up to snuff, you should remember that the originators of these kinds of tests were a) Frenchmen, and b) psychologists.

Most of us have taken intelligence tests, and anyone who has school-age children is certainly familiar with them. The tests that is, not the children, necessarily. Intelligence tests measure something called IQ, which is short for intelligence quotient, and is calculated by dividing a child’s mental age by his or her actual age, and then multiplying the result by 100. That last part is very important. In the early days of testing, before educators learned to multiply the result of their division problem by 100, they were shocked to find that their subjects mostly had IQs of way less than 2. In 1920, in fact, before the Stanford-Binet was revised, the average IQ of third-graders in Mississippi was three-quarters. This alarmed the state teachers’ union, which sprang into action and immediately demanded a three-year, federally funded study. On the brighter side, after that study was completed, Mississippi IQ scores improved dramatically.

For years, people thought that a good dose of intelligence testing could predict success or failure in later life. Now many experts feel that such tests may subtly promote a hidden agenda. There are several different kinds of intelligence tests, but most of them include a verbal portion, a portion dealing with numerical reasoning, and a few general knowledge questions. For example:

VERBAL REASONING

1. Which of the following words does not belong with the others?

a. red
b. blue
c. endangered Preble’s meadow jumping mouse
d. green
 

2. Toe is to foot as finger is to ...

a. nasty
b. endangered Preble’s meadow jumping mouse
c. bird
e. hand
f. two in the bush

3. Complete the following sequence: E,I,E,I, ___

a. AIEEEEE!
b. Una Paloma Blanca
c. A,E,I,O,U and sometimes Y
d. endangered Preble’s meadow jumping mouse
e. yo
 

NUMERICAL REASONING

1. What number is missing from the following series: 2,4,8,___32?
a. pi
b. my calculator is broke
c. 16 endangered Preble’s meadow jumping mice (extra credit)
 

2. Ariel weighs half again as much as Bennie’s cousin, Frog, who outweighs Bennie by 168 lbs. According to his mother’s bathroom scales, Bennie weighs 42 lbs. dripping wet, but those scales weigh 4 lbs. light due to a manufacturing defect. If Bennie were to sit on one end of a 12-ft. teeter-totter, and Ariel, carrying seventy-three 2 lb. bricks in her purse, were dropped from a height of 18 ft. onto the other end, how far would Bennie travel through the air, assuming that there is no headwind and he is aerodynamically sound?

a. farther than that stupid Preble’s meadow jumping mouse
b. 26 ft.
c. halfway to the cafeteria
d. Students are not allowed to leave the playground unless accompanied by a teacher or school administrator, which might make the problem more interesting, but would most likely break the teeter-totter.
 

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

1. The Preble’s meadow jumping mouse is endangered because of:

a. global warming
b. greedy land developers
c. George W. Bush
d. the Preble’s meadow vaulting rat snake
 

These tests may have also included a portion having something or other to do with memory. Or maybe not. At any rate, given these sample questions, it is small wonder that educators and psychologists have argued for years over the validity of such tests. Many point out, for example, that children who score in the top ten percentile, IQ-wise, usually wind up spending the rest of their lives in garrets, scribbling haikus and eating canned cat food, while those in the lower percentiles become rich and famous, often excelling in show business, politics, and the ever-expanding world of animal psychology. If little Caleb’s teacher tells you that his Stanford-Binet, Revised, indicates that he is only marginally aware of his surroundings, with an IQ of 34, and is unable to locate his own elbow, do not despair. He could be destined for a fine career in the U.S. Senate.

If, on the other hand, you learn that little Cassidy, whom you always knew was just terribly perceptive and talented, and precocious to the point of being absolutely obnoxious, has an IQ measured at 198 by the Harvard Dortwanger Children’s Intelligence Scale, Forms B and C, with only a .002 percent margin of error, you might want to think twice before you start turning cartwheels on the front lawn and crowing to the neighbors (assuming such activity is even legal in your community). By age forty, Cassidy may well be slinging hash for minimum wage down at the local Cockroach Haven in order to support her academic and intellectual pursuits, which will include unfunded home research in gerbil maintenance, making interesting geometric figures out of aluminum foil, and, of course, taking various intelligence tests in a vain attempt to break that elusive 200 mark.